For the past year, I've been dating someone whom I new deep down I did not fully love and accept. Sure, we talked about the usual things that lovers talk about: where we want to retire, how to raise our kids (that I did not want), and the things we loved about one another. There was always a sort of shallowness to my answers, while my partner was very oblivious to the fact that my love was waning. My love gave his all to the relationship, while I could muster about 80% at best.
The cold, hard truth is that I was rejecting our relationship, slowly. As my mind had time to comprehend what our differences and likenesses were, my gut began sensing that something wasn't right. To keep the relationship going, I would pick fights with my lover, and I would force my opinions on him, threatening to break it off, hoping with a small ounce of myself that he would refuse. But my lover was young, so he failed to see this destructive behavior as anything but normal and healthy. That is why I am writing this entry today. I want our readers to understand that this behavior is and should be considered unacceptable. I want our readers to know the signs that I saw in an unhealthy relationship.
My Top 5 Signs You Are in a Relationship Going Nowhere:
1. The saying goes that you should always listen to your gut. I completely agree with this. Sometimes, though, I find it very difficult to determine whether my gut is doing the talking or if it's my own insecurities. Well, let me lay these thoughts to rest. While it is true that your gut is usually right, your insecurities can be a sign as well. If your insecurities are causing you angst and restless thoughts in any relationship, you need to separate yourself from what is causing your doubts and focus on unraveling them, perhaps with the help of a professional; this will, in turn, allow you to overcome your fears and insecurities, and you can move on with a healthy relationship. That's not saying the partner you're with is the one causing your insecurities to be heightened.
2. One thing that was prevalent in my relationship was that my lover was overly willing to change himself for me. Any time your partner is eager to change long held beliefs or desires to ensure you stay together, chances are higher that you are not in a healthy relationship. The relationship may seem happy at first, but how long do you think it will take before those things he/she changed rear their ugly heads again? It's not good practice to change yourself in the name of love, unless you choose to make a healthier change or consciously consent to accept that what you previously held true is no longer applicable.
3. If you feel that your core values and beliefs do not work well with your partner's core values, the relationship will be much more difficult to sustain than if you find someone who already holds similar values. This isn't to say that it's necessarily unhealthy, but if you feel a heaviness in the air when you discuss these values with your partner and avoid talking about it, this is what I consider unhealthy behavior. I also feel that it is unwise to submit yourself to a waiting game to determine if these beliefs will change. This places an unfair expectation on you and your partner, and it also draws out something on the premise that it WILL happen.
4. You should never feel threatened by your partner. A healthy relationship should be built on mutual respect. If you are feeling superior or inferior to your partner, this can result in a power struggle. Do you ever feel jealous or even afraid of your partner? If you aren't sure if your relationship is based on fear or resentment, relationship counseling may be a good option for you. I feel that a relationship should stand firm in encouragement and positivity for one another.
5. Have you ever had a friend who you grew apart from because you were just in different places in life? This can happen in relationship, as well. If you aren't feeling completely committed to the person you are with, and you notice that your maturity levels don't coincide, it might be easier to move on at that point. I found in my own relationship that it was much more difficult to face a problem with my partner when he'd yet to experience anything similar. While he found it awkward to relate to, I had trouble accepting his reaction as a mature one. This caused us both to feel misunderstood. It's simpler, but not necessarily healthier, to date someone who has similar life experiences.
This is a list based on my own experience in dating. This is not a researched subject, other than what I found during my own struggle with an unhealthy relationship. I strongly suggest seeking counsel with someone who is unbiased and trained in counseling if you continue to struggle with a relationship that you don't want to break off.
The cold, hard truth is that I was rejecting our relationship, slowly. As my mind had time to comprehend what our differences and likenesses were, my gut began sensing that something wasn't right. To keep the relationship going, I would pick fights with my lover, and I would force my opinions on him, threatening to break it off, hoping with a small ounce of myself that he would refuse. But my lover was young, so he failed to see this destructive behavior as anything but normal and healthy. That is why I am writing this entry today. I want our readers to understand that this behavior is and should be considered unacceptable. I want our readers to know the signs that I saw in an unhealthy relationship.
My Top 5 Signs You Are in a Relationship Going Nowhere:
1. The saying goes that you should always listen to your gut. I completely agree with this. Sometimes, though, I find it very difficult to determine whether my gut is doing the talking or if it's my own insecurities. Well, let me lay these thoughts to rest. While it is true that your gut is usually right, your insecurities can be a sign as well. If your insecurities are causing you angst and restless thoughts in any relationship, you need to separate yourself from what is causing your doubts and focus on unraveling them, perhaps with the help of a professional; this will, in turn, allow you to overcome your fears and insecurities, and you can move on with a healthy relationship. That's not saying the partner you're with is the one causing your insecurities to be heightened.
2. One thing that was prevalent in my relationship was that my lover was overly willing to change himself for me. Any time your partner is eager to change long held beliefs or desires to ensure you stay together, chances are higher that you are not in a healthy relationship. The relationship may seem happy at first, but how long do you think it will take before those things he/she changed rear their ugly heads again? It's not good practice to change yourself in the name of love, unless you choose to make a healthier change or consciously consent to accept that what you previously held true is no longer applicable.
3. If you feel that your core values and beliefs do not work well with your partner's core values, the relationship will be much more difficult to sustain than if you find someone who already holds similar values. This isn't to say that it's necessarily unhealthy, but if you feel a heaviness in the air when you discuss these values with your partner and avoid talking about it, this is what I consider unhealthy behavior. I also feel that it is unwise to submit yourself to a waiting game to determine if these beliefs will change. This places an unfair expectation on you and your partner, and it also draws out something on the premise that it WILL happen.
4. You should never feel threatened by your partner. A healthy relationship should be built on mutual respect. If you are feeling superior or inferior to your partner, this can result in a power struggle. Do you ever feel jealous or even afraid of your partner? If you aren't sure if your relationship is based on fear or resentment, relationship counseling may be a good option for you. I feel that a relationship should stand firm in encouragement and positivity for one another.
5. Have you ever had a friend who you grew apart from because you were just in different places in life? This can happen in relationship, as well. If you aren't feeling completely committed to the person you are with, and you notice that your maturity levels don't coincide, it might be easier to move on at that point. I found in my own relationship that it was much more difficult to face a problem with my partner when he'd yet to experience anything similar. While he found it awkward to relate to, I had trouble accepting his reaction as a mature one. This caused us both to feel misunderstood. It's simpler, but not necessarily healthier, to date someone who has similar life experiences.
This is a list based on my own experience in dating. This is not a researched subject, other than what I found during my own struggle with an unhealthy relationship. I strongly suggest seeking counsel with someone who is unbiased and trained in counseling if you continue to struggle with a relationship that you don't want to break off.
