Awkward Places/Times to Have a Bowel Movement

AWKWARD!

No matter how comfortable you are with your bodily functions, there are some places that just make it so awkward to have a really relaxed bowel movement. Sometimes it's the place; other times, it's the people. No matter what it is, it can be awkward for you, and for anyone else involved. In this post, we will be discussing the most awkward times and places to relieve yourself so you don't have people look at you like this:

Number 1: The Hotel Room Bathroom
Whoever you are with at the hotel will appreciate this listing. It is the most awkard place to take your morning poo because it's a bathroom within a bedroom. These bathrooms aren't known for their awesome ventillation, either, so you may want to squirt shampoo on the walls...or something, afterwards. Usually, even the most comfortable of partners don't appreciate the smell of your rosey dung. Besides, when there is only one bathroom in a room, you don't want to have a line form behind you while you enjoy your newspaper on the porcelain throne. A helpful tip for this occassion, try going to the bathroom in the lobby if at all possible.

Number 2: When you have someone in stalls on either side of you
We all know the sound. The little plop,plop. You know exactly what's coming. It's awkward for everyone. It's easy to recognize: the sudden silence after the sound- the perpetrator has come down with a case of anxiety. You can imagine what's running through his/her mind:
"Did they hear that?" "Maybe if I just hold it in, they'll leave." So how does this situation get even more awkward? Simple. By adding the fact that you have a person on either side of you. It is sure to clamp up that rectum like a frightened oyster. Why would anyone want to crowd around someone in this position? So before you choose the stall you wish to  make your move in, be sure to consider the possibilities. Ask yourself, "is this going to be too close to someone if they have to go?" "Am I going to be blocked in by two unsuspecting victims if I choose this stall?" Or if you are the one that blocks someone in, ask yourself, "if I choose this stall, am I going to make someone uncomfortable?" For those of you who choose the stall on the otherside of 2 locked doors, you're just setting yourself up for a world of "stank." You should've thought about that when there were 15 other stalls avaiable at the movie theatre or the public rest stop. Helpful advice, don't even think about using that empty stall next to someone when there are others available.

 Number 3: On the bus
It's true, we've  all (or most of us have)  done it. Sometimes, you just can't hold it. Even if you haven't done it as an adult, you probably did on a field trip when you were in third grade. No one holds it against you...except for the cool kids who sat in the back of the bus, so they could pick on the people in the restroom. Seriously, though: why did they sit there??? This one makes the top of the list for obvious reasons. I mean, you're stuck on a dingy old bus, you're having to balance yourself while you give back to the earth, and there are people right outside the door. Let's not forget the weird sloshy sound inside the toilet as the bus hits bump after ever-loving bump! It's just awful. So to avoid this mistake, do what your mother told you 20 odd years ago-go before you leave. If you can't do that, then you better just clamp that puppy shut and hope you don't get hemmorhoids.

Number 4: The Surprise Attack
Usually surprises are fun and exciting, if not a little annoying for some people. In this case, it's only the latter. Annoying, and even slightly awkward. When you're trying to do something, and the urge hits you like a ton of bricks, what  can you do? You just run to the bathroom and hope it doesn't break loose. This writer's advice? Never find yourself far from a clean bathroom, or at least know where the bathroom is in each place you frequent.



Number Five: After Eating Spicy Food
 Oh, yeah. You know what we're referring to. That itchy, burning feeling that comes from your anus as hot lava pours from your bum-that's not from the fiber bar you had for breakfast, son. Anything spicy can trigger it: Thai, Mexican, Cayenne Pepper, Tobasco Sauce, Jalepenos, etc. on your favorite dish. You can't help it that you love those things, but don't be surprised when the liquid fire burns a  whole through your digestive tract. You'll be asking yourself, "was that extra helping of Wasabi really worth it?" There is only one option to prevent this from happening. Don't eat spicy food, obviously.

Number 6: Beer Shits
When you drink too much, you can't help but get this bad case of the runs. It's not only the worst feeling hangover, ever; that sucker has to be accompanied by the most magnificently awful feeling upset stomach imaginable. You won't want to be away from the toilet very long with this one, guys. This poo is particularly awkward because you never know when it might start to hit. It could hit during the party, when you are discussing what you perceive to be high-esteemed politics with the stoned-out-of-her-ever-loving-mind, hot chick sitting beside you. You just never know. The best way to avoid this awkward scenario is to eat a lot of bread and drink a lot of water before you adventure into the world that is alcohol gluttony.

Number Seven: When Your Pet is Watching
This one is lower on the list because they're just animals...right?  It's not like that big brown-eyed mutt is judging the size of your...thighs, or anything. Nor could the beloved cat be sneezing at you because of your awful stench. No way, man. Just keep telling yourself that. It's still awkward. Best way to avoid this one is close the damn door.

The Shortest Post Ever

Why would you call vegetable soup "vegetable soup" if you put beef in it? That defeats the whole purpose. While the majority of the soup is, in fact, vegetables, it is misleading to state that this soup is full of vegetables. It'd be like calling tomato soup with noodles "tomato soup."
Just like chili with beans is NOT technically chili.

Lessons On Birth

We're having a baby, today.
The mother is a dear friend of mine, who had a rough childhood, with a former prosititute for a mother and a pervert for a father. It was no surprise when we found out she got pregnant by hooking up with a high school interest---though, we thought she was gay, so a bit of a surprise there.
Since she is a good friend, I decided I'd volunteer to be her support person. I'd go to the hospital and sit with her while the induction medicine was kicking in, working magic, and making baby stuff happen. Well, the problem is, I've never been one for birth. I don't care for children or their general raising. I'd rather not even think about anyone giving birth, so this was new for me. The good thing is I was well equipped with a background in being awkwardly funny.
So from my understanding, what happens is, well...a man and a woman partake in sexual pleasure to the point of producing sperm that attaches itself to the egg...and so forth-you know this part; it's the fun part. Ok, now for the less fun part. There's the conception. Not so bad. That's fine. But after that, there is the growing. The baby grows into a bundle of pulpy goodness, that eventually becomes a human form with fingernails, skin, and bones. It eats your insides as it grows and grows, til it becomes big enough that your body is like "I need to expel this lifeform within me!!" So your cervix starts preparing itself or something. And there's some bones that move around...all on their on. IT's like being possessed, only cuter, and people say, "you have a glow about you," rather than, "you don't look quite like yourself today." Of course, with pregnancy, you have the very clear sign of a baby bump. Anyways, so when your body is taking too long, or the baby is moving around too much (the case for my friend), they induce labor.
Induction sounds fun, right? I mean, in mathematics, it's just proving that a statement holds for all natural numbers by proving that the first statement in the infinite sequence of statements is true, and then proving that if any one statement in the infinite sequence of statements is true, then so is the next one. It's actually pretty easy. In pregnancy, it's not so easy. Not at all. I happened to walk in right after they'd begun this interesting procedure on my friend. She told me when I closed the door that the nurse had just finished the unpleasant process of sticking a filled balloon into her vag. Yay. That sounds like loads of...no, no it doesn't. Don't even lie to yourself. So what this balloon does is cause her to dilate, from what I was told. I don't know any of this for fact. It prepares her to shove a blood and mucus covered baby from her body into the world, where it is cold and really, really bright.

They had her hooked up to all kinds of monitors. They finally gave her some pain and nausea medication, so a few hours after I left she slept. Then, in the morning, they woke her up and got her ready for more madness. Her water was broken...which just sounds so gross. Like I can just picture a waterfall gushing forth from between her legs now. Great. Anyways, then they told her that she should be ready to have this thing around 7 hours later. I'm not sure if that's an adequate amount of time to shove a human out; nevertheless, that didn't happen. This baby was stubborn. So now they are going to do a C-section.
Now this is really gross in itself. It's where they cut the woman open, lay her organs out on display, and take the baby out by physical force. I don't know about you, but this sounds dangerous, kind of like a war scene. I'm pretty sure I watched a documentary about cannibals that did something similar to this process. Then, they stitch you up, and you recover for the next 2 months. Like, you can't pick up anything heavier than...well, the baby. Hopefully, though-if all goes well, we will have a boucing baby boy around 5 pm. :) And I will be a Grandpa.
I'm not sure what else to educate you all on in regards to birth. This is as far as I've gotten. Oh, but I did learn that a lot of women that give birth all natural describe the moment that the baby drops into position like a ring of fire "down there."  Interesting stuff.
happy pooping.

Engaging Engagment Photos

 So I was looking at engagment photos on Google images, because that's what people do-look at happy pictures to make life seem less dull, and I came across this gem. I love it when people take engagement photos with their animals because animals become part of the family, too. Now, you can argue all you want that animals have no feelings, and all that jazz, but if you have ever had a pet, you know the pain felt when that pet is no longer living; animals are companions, so when you lose one, it hurts. Hence, this picture made me laugh because the dog's face says: "Oh! I'm just so happy! I can't believe I'll be calling you Mom, soon...Mom! haha! I said it, and it felt so good. I love you both!"
 If I could explain why this one made me happy, it might offend some people. I've always found the renaissance-inclined people very fascinating...in an eccentric way. I just love the horribly overdone backdrop, the most. But hey, to each his/her own. I wonder how hard it was for the photographer not to burst into fits of laughter.
 Now, this is how you say "classy." I'm not sure if this is an engagement photo, but if I were getting pictures with my fiance, and he/she decided to take a piss outside, while the camera was rolling, I don't think I'd be as supportive of this.
 Not going to lie, these kind of pictures always freak me out. That grass looks super itchy, for one. Secondly, I don't trust bugs. These must be for super outdoorsy people. Which, obviously, my other half and I are not.
 The best part about this photo is that it was deemed "creative." Yes, chopping people's shoulders off is very creative. I hope it was just the sizing on the thumbnail was off; however, when I clicked on the image, it enlarged to the same-having no heads. I don't understand engagment photos with no faces. Is it supposed to be a mystery? Do they put these pics in their houses? Or maybe make blown up copies of the picture and let people stick their faces where faces are missing as part of a photo booth thing. That's becoming popular, now, to my understanding.
 As a nerd, I like nerdy things. This, however, is going a little too far. I think it's cute, but do they not realize that Darth Maul and Luke Skywalker would never engage in anything more than battle?? Not to mention, they forgot the double weilding light saber. Gah! There are just so many things wrong with this. It's a creative idea, but just plain inaccurate.
This one is cute and super sweet. I can't say I don't love a man in uniform, but I really love her dress...and the bench, and the tree, and everything. This picture just screams "I'm so excited we're getting married!!!"
Ok, that ends my pointless picture blog for the day. I love these. :)
Maybe it will give you some ideas of what to do or what not to do as far as engagement photos go.
Hope you enjoyed reading. Happy pooping.