AWKWARD!
No matter how comfortable you are with your bodily functions, there are some places that just make it so awkward to have a really relaxed bowel movement. Sometimes it's the place; other times, it's the people. No matter what it is, it can be awkward for you, and for anyone else involved. In this post, we will be discussing the most awkward times and places to relieve yourself so you don't have people look at you like this:
Number 1: The Hotel Room Bathroom
Whoever you are with at the hotel will appreciate this listing. It is the most awkard place to take your morning poo because it's a bathroom within a bedroom. These bathrooms aren't known for their awesome ventillation, either, so you may want to squirt shampoo on the walls...or something, afterwards. Usually, even the most comfortable of partners don't appreciate the smell of your rosey dung. Besides, when there is only one bathroom in a room, you don't want to have a line form behind you while you enjoy your newspaper on the porcelain throne. A helpful tip for this occassion, try going to the bathroom in the lobby if at all possible.
Number 2: When you have someone in stalls on either side of you
We all know the sound. The little plop,plop. You know exactly what's coming. It's awkward for everyone. It's easy to recognize: the sudden silence after the sound- the perpetrator has come down with a case of anxiety. You can imagine what's running through his/her mind:
"Did they hear that?" "Maybe if I just hold it in, they'll leave." So how does this situation get even more awkward? Simple. By adding the fact that you have a person on either side of you. It is sure to clamp up that rectum like a frightened oyster. Why would anyone want to crowd around someone in this position? So before you choose the stall you wish to make your move in, be sure to consider the possibilities. Ask yourself, "is this going to be too close to someone if they have to go?" "Am I going to be blocked in by two unsuspecting victims if I choose this stall?" Or if you are the one that blocks someone in, ask yourself, "if I choose this stall, am I going to make someone uncomfortable?" For those of you who choose the stall on the otherside of 2 locked doors, you're just setting yourself up for a world of "stank." You should've thought about that when there were 15 other stalls avaiable at the movie theatre or the public rest stop. Helpful advice, don't even think about using that empty stall next to someone when there are others available.
Number 3: On the bus
It's true, we've all (or most of us have) done it. Sometimes, you just can't hold it. Even if you haven't done it as an adult, you probably did on a field trip when you were in third grade. No one holds it against you...except for the cool kids who sat in the back of the bus, so they could pick on the people in the restroom. Seriously, though: why did they sit there??? This one makes the top of the list for obvious reasons. I mean, you're stuck on a dingy old bus, you're having to balance yourself while you give back to the earth, and there are people right outside the door. Let's not forget the weird sloshy sound inside the toilet as the bus hits bump after ever-loving bump! It's just awful. So to avoid this mistake, do what your mother told you 20 odd years ago-go before you leave. If you can't do that, then you better just clamp that puppy shut and hope you don't get hemmorhoids.
Number 4: The Surprise Attack
Usually surprises are fun and exciting, if not a little annoying for some people. In this case, it's only the latter. Annoying, and even slightly awkward. When you're trying to do something, and the urge hits you like a ton of bricks, what can you do? You just run to the bathroom and hope it doesn't break loose. This writer's advice? Never find yourself far from a clean bathroom, or at least know where the bathroom is in each place you frequent.
Number Five: After Eating Spicy Food
Oh, yeah. You know what we're referring to. That itchy, burning feeling that comes from your anus as hot lava pours from your bum-that's not from the fiber bar you had for breakfast, son. Anything spicy can trigger it: Thai, Mexican, Cayenne Pepper, Tobasco Sauce, Jalepenos, etc. on your favorite dish. You can't help it that you love those things, but don't be surprised when the liquid fire burns a whole through your digestive tract. You'll be asking yourself, "was that extra helping of Wasabi really worth it?" There is only one option to prevent this from happening. Don't eat spicy food, obviously.
When you drink too much, you can't help but get this bad case of the runs. It's not only the worst feeling hangover, ever; that sucker has to be accompanied by the most magnificently awful feeling upset stomach imaginable. You won't want to be away from the toilet very long with this one, guys. This poo is particularly awkward because you never know when it might start to hit. It could hit during the party, when you are discussing what you perceive to be high-esteemed politics with the stoned-out-of-her-ever-loving-mind, hot chick sitting beside you. You just never know. The best way to avoid this awkward scenario is to eat a lot of bread and drink a lot of water before you adventure into the world that is alcohol gluttony.
This one is lower on the list because they're just animals...right? It's not like that big brown-eyed mutt is judging the size of your...thighs, or anything. Nor could the beloved cat be sneezing at you because of your awful stench. No way, man. Just keep telling yourself that. It's still awkward. Best way to avoid this one is close the damn door.
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