Bearing All

We begin our journey with a single, awesome plan: road trip! Lucky for us, our grandmother has share in a condo in the mountains, and her share was coming up. We promptly claimed the weekend trip with much excitement, so we began honing the plan to every little perfect detail. Our weekend trip to the mountains was going to be superb! Little did we know, some stingy cousins had already put their name on the list. 

When we found out our original plan had been demolished, our hearts sunk in our chests like the Titanic. Our iceberg had been a two hour drive away, and there was no way we could ever have guessed it'd sink our sailing ship. Good news was we were only out a free place to stay. Our next step was finding a hotel (we weren't about to kill off our plans just because we lost our place to stay). This was not an easy feat considering we were only a month from our desired date of arrival.
Seeing that our hotels were limited, our plans began to transform. We were quite lucky, then, to stumble upon a Groupon for a resort that was half priced for a weekend! But there is always a catch, ins't there?   Looking at the availability dates, we quickly realized that our weekend stay would only be half priced for a day. Thus, we began looking into other options. An idea occurred that we could stay one night at the resort and one night in another city of interest. Again, we began looking for hotels; and again, we were limited because of our time frame. At one time, we even discussed sleeping in a tree house with no water or electricity because it was $13 per night. Then, we discussed sleeping in the car, but the necessity of safety was too prominent in our minds.
Our plan became this: buy the Groupon and pay for a cheap motel in the other city, drive up on Friday night, and enjoy all the many attractions of the mountains. But of course this plan also changed when both of us began to worry about money. Money changes everything. From this, our plan morphed into a weekend stay in the mountains in the city we planned to get the cheap motel; however, we decided since we would save on gas here, we would splurge on a very nice hotel for two nights (no bed bugs or mole mentioned in the reviews). While our hotel was considerably more expensive than our original plan, it worked out that we'd actually save money! Now our plan was truly perfect (minus the free lodging...so, technically not perfect, but fabulous).
As you can see, when you plan for a road trip, you need to keep an open mind. Things will constantly change because that is just how life works. But often, it works out for the best. Now we have a wonderful plan to spend our best friend honeymoon in the mountains, looking at waterfalls, nature, and other shit that makes you feel cozy. We might even go see some animals trapped in cages because we like zoos. It's all part of keeping our minds opened. Just remember, your original plan is not going to be the plan you end up with. Hope our experience is helpful in alleviating those pre-travel anxieties. As always, happy pooping! :)

What Turns Women On - Rated X

     As I was discussing orgasms with my other half today, I realized that it may be helpful to men,and maybe some women, to know what REALLY turns a woman on. My list will almost guarantee that she will explOde (you notice what I did there? I emphasized the "O". Hehe) around you. As a disclaimer, I am no sex expert, but as a woman I know what it takes to turn a us into a puddle of sexy soup.

• Bringing the heat- As history has shown through movies and advice from other columns, it's supposedly super romantic to fill the room with candles while you woo your woman to her brink.  In all honestly though, that is really dangerous and all a woman will think about is whether or not a candle with light her $200 curtains on fire. Instead of putting both of your lives at risk, try this little move. About five minutes before go time, toss her undies into the dryer until they are really warm. This will give her the heat she's looking for and it's also incredibly arousing to a woman to have that warmth near her lady cave.

• Diamonds are a girl's best friend- Sometimes all a girl wants is a pretty, shiny object given to her by her man. Contrary to popular beliefs, diamonds aren't always what she vying for. Alternatively, she may want a chrome dildo. You heard me right. Nothing is more exciting than a little friend who is cold, hard, and shiny. Just the words "chrome dildo" is enough to throw her over the edge. This gift would also be paired wonderfully with warm panties.

• Whoa! Take it easy, tiger...Or maybe harder- Some men think that all a woman wants is a romantic evening of sweet and sensual love making. This is not always the case. Actually, I do believe that most women would contest that this is not the case most of the time. Sometimes we just want a good, rough fuck! We want to be thrown against a wall (bed, table, counter, shower, car, elevator...hell, as long as we won't fall to our death any place will do) and pleasured in ways that would make E.L. James blush. 

• Oh, what beautiful eyes you have- If you haven't noticed, men love our candy mountains of pleasure. I know, that's news to me too. But what is the sexiest part of a man? His forearms. A mans forearms is as sexy to us as our cleavage is to a man. It's actually been proven...by real life Scientist, Psychologists, and Anthropologists. Forearms show a man's strength. So, show off those forearms and if you want to really amp it up, get a sexy tattoo. Of course, that's dependent on whether you have nice arms. Flabby arms or super skinny arms are like mosquito bite tits

• Sorry, I can't come to the fish fry. I'm tied up tonight- I think this topic is the most misconstrued of them all. All women have a BDSM side. Most women won't admit because it is considered taboo due to their culture or religion. I promise you, it's there and if you're around long enough it will eventually come out in the relationship in one way or another. Every woman dreams of being able to take control in the bedroom or BE taken control of by a man. It's so damn sexy! This feeling actually goes back to the caveman days. Now, your lady friend may not be as over the top as others, but little actions will show that she deep down wants to be handcuffed to a post and pleasured until she has earth shattering orgasms...and yes, I pluralized orgasm. 

• Will you be my Barry White?- I once dated this guy who's voice was so low I felt like I was dating Rocky Balboa. It was so hot! I could listen to him talk all day long because it literally set my loins on fire. A deep voice is so carnal and delicious. If you have a high pitched voice you may want to look into getting a voice box or one of those Darth Vader helmets...because who doesn't want to go to bed with a James Earl Jones sound-alike? Next time you are trying to coerce your lady into having warm panty, chrome dildoing, role-playing, forearm lusting, rough sex, channel your inner Barry White and enjoy the ride.