Let's Talk Animals...

There is a plethora of funny animal pictures on the internet, these days. You know what my favorite activity is? When I get bored and no one wants to entertain me, I turn to Google. I search "funny animal pictures without captions" (and of course Google gives me pictures WITH captions, but that's a different topic altogether), and I sit for hours laughing at the hilarious narrations in my head. So today, I think I will give you a taste of what goes on in my head when I see these awesome pictures! 

http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/a-cute-funny-animal-pictures-7.jpg
"You mean...I'm not a mermaid?? *sniffle* Take the cake away! I don't even want it."

"Oh mah gaaahd, Marty! I can't feel mah lips....where are they?!"

And here is an example of what Google gives me when I add "without captions." Silly Google :D
Now, let's discuss the different type of people in the world:
The Overachiever
"She said go get the ball...I found three others on the way."

The Underachiever:
We all know the type...the ones that sit on the computer all day and surf the web for funny animal pictures, but they can't even come up with an original caption! Case in point.

The Wealthy:
Takes everything in excess.
 "Oh, yes, this is very good water you have in your village....Oh, this is the supply you use for the starving children's soup kitchen? My bad."

The Romantic:
The one that makes everyone else want to upchuck.
"Barry, I can't hold on much longer." "*whispers* Quiet!...My love, you are the most beautiful girl...you are a girl, right? Yes, good. A hamster could ask for! I want to gaze into your beady black eyes for the rest of my life...until we procreate and I find a new hamster woman. I love you so much!" "Oh, Barry! That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me."

The Overly Religious:
"Dear LORD, I pray for the world right now with all the sinners! I ask for your forgiveness. I splurged on a pair of $10 sunglasses yesterday, and we all know gluttony is a sin. Also, I looked upon half naked pictures of Jeff Gordon last night, and I desired...I lusted for his body. Please have mercy on my soul!"

The Insane:
"Can I touch your ear with my tongue so I can taste your deepest thoughts?"

Ok, back to funny narrations! (Sorry, I ran out of people ideas, but I'll take suggestions in the forms of comments.)

"Hey, buddy. This is a zoo, not a photo shoot. Five pictures is plenty for the family vacation album. Geez, some people."

 

"Sir, Sir? Excuse me, sir? Could you let go of my face...you're hurting my nose."

 

Well, that concludes the funny animal narrations blog, for now. There will be more, I'm sure. Any ideas are welcome. :) We appreciate you reading our blog. Feel free to show some love...anytime...
Happy pooping! And remember, animals will always be funny, if you make them say funny things.

The Importance of Lunch Buddies

Sitting at lunch by yourself has always been a pastime of ours. When you're younger, this is perfectly acceptable. You know, there's no shame in it because at age 5, you're not supposed to have a bunch of friends, right? But as you get older, that solitude becomes ever more pressing, eating away at your very soul! It becomes something that you are increasingly ashamed of, because sitting alone at lunch just looks desperate.
In high school, it is a social status. "The loner" is one who associates with no one, reads a lot, is too quiet, and will probably come to the 10 year reunion as a research scientist, telling the world about the wonders of bacterial infections. Of course, who cares about that stuff in high school? No body. Except maybe the people who grow up to be psychologists. Anyways, as you grow even older, you begin to eat out more. Or take your lunch, and eat in the lounge. In these scenarios, having a lunch buddy is very important. You know what people think when they see grown ups eating alone in public? They think, "Boy, I feel sorry for that poor soul. I wonder if I should randomly go join him at his table, keep him company...Nah. Don't want to be a creep." That's what we think, anyways.
So the way to avoid the above scenarios is to search for jobs where people you would associate with would work. Never ask yourself, "What do I want to do with my life?" when searching for careers. Instead, try a different approach, and ask yourself "What kind of people would I like to eat lunch with, daily?" This is a sure way to end up with the perfect job! You'll never be lonely again. You will not only enjoy an hour full of entertainment from your fellow lunch mates, you will also partake in socialization- a common practice among many Western cultures. Another approach is to only apply for jobs with your favorite lunch friend. Like us, for instance. We are both going to apply for a job with the same company, that way, at lunch time, we will never be lonely! Unless, one of us gets sick, or has to go on an impromptu mental vacation. Then, we will have a backup lunch buddy, whom we will pick upon being hired. Now, this is rather tricky. You must find the perfect one as soon as possible after you're accepted into the group. You don't want to be bombarded with other lonely eaters in the cafeteria, so you have to choose wisely. She needs to be a compatible chewer. Otherwise, you have someone who is finished with lunch way before you, and then you have to listen to her chatter for much too long. Unacceptable! So make sure your lunch buddy stand-in has the same eating habits as yourself. Also, she needs to like the same foods as you. Nothing is worse than going out for lunch and having to waste 30 minutes deciding on a restaurant. Point being, choose quickly, but informatively.
Once you get to a certain age, though, lunch buddies become commodities. They come and they go. At early morning breakfast at Jack's is where you will find your long time lunch pals. The few who wake up before 5 a.m. in order to catch the news. Generally, you will not go out for lunch. You have made your big meal of the day as enjoyable as possible with good people, so there is no need to pay for a meal in the middle of the day. Eating lunch at home is more enjoyable because you won't have to listen to the new generation's complaints of how difficult life is; you know life was much more simple when you were younger, and those twerps have nothing to complain about. Who needs friends when you have online bingo, anyways?
As you can see, lunch buddies aren't for every age group; however, they are important. Make sure you have the right person beside you at lunch by taking these quick, simple trinkets of advice. Remember, NEVER lower your standards! If you have to sit next to someone even remotely irritating at lunch, it is your own damn fault! Kick her to the curb when she starts talking about the latest episode of Top Model, because you know that shit's going to get old; you know she's going to be the most judgmental bitch when she notices you packed two Snickers bars for lunch. Also, don't be open minded on this. It's not like picking a puppy. You can't train a good lunch buddy. Find your perfect match because when she pisses on the rug, you can't rub her nose in it. Make sure she isn't one of those girls that has allergies or gets sick a lot, otherwise, you'll miss too much work from being sick. Beware of napkin hogs: the ones that take all the napkins after you got a handful for yourself. And last, but certainly not least, NEVER ever allow your lunch buddy to eat off your plate. This is the biggest no no in the book of lunch buddies. If she even attempts, brand her her with your fork tongs. It will be a constant reminder, and will set you up as the dominant lunch pal. These words we give freely, so take them and use them well.
Good night, and happy eating!

Jimmy Fallon is an ass...and so are we

Have you ever had one of those moments in life where you discover something phenomenal about yourself? Yeah, well, neither have we. Until today. We decided to go eat lunch at a TexMex restaurant, because we had this amazing coupon where you buy a burrito and get one free. Little did we know, our plan was already being thwarted by our mother. Upon walking into the dining room where said coupon was left at an earlier time, we were horrified to discover the coupon was missing! Thrown away like a piece of unwanted trash. And even worse, there was no sympathy from the town folk who managed the restaurant. Apparently, "my mom threw away my coupon" is about as legit as "my dog ate my homework." So of course, we paid full price, unlike the lucky sons of bitches swarming the restaurant having safely held onto their coupon,and thus gaining a free burrito. To make matters worse, we happened upon the subject of our sense of humor. Yes, you might say it is a little dark....and unique as well (AHA HA! Like Hell). But up until this point, we have always thought it was just other people. They don't get us. We were truly hilarious in our own eyes. So what was it about us that people just didn't get? Then, it hit us. Like the spicy burrito will hit our guts, soon....We're not funny. We're the Jimmy Fallons of our community! Laughing at yourself is supposedly a good thing. What they fail to mention is that laughing at your own JOKES is where you start to look like an asshole. So all those times of watching Jimmy on television and feeling so sad for him, knowing that he thinks he is funny, but no one else is laughing, really burst our bubbles. We realized that we had been watching ourselves on television, all along. So we ate about a third of our burrito in silent reverence of the brave Jimmy Fallons of the world! We understand you! Don't fret because others don't think you're hilarious. They matter not! Because you are your biggest fan, and that is all that should matter in this world! DAMN THE MASSES! DAMN THE FEW! And all in between. Those that don't see your humor are just not worthy of your talents. So continue to make awkward jokes, and continue to laugh at them yourself. SO what if you have no friends? You have yourself and the voices in your head.
Now, I must go poo, for the burrito has hit South! To all a good afternoon, and happy pooping!