We're having a baby, today.
The mother is a dear friend of mine, who had a rough childhood, with a former prosititute for a mother and a pervert for a father. It was no surprise when we found out she got pregnant by hooking up with a high school interest---though, we thought she was gay, so a bit of a surprise there.
Since she is a good friend, I decided I'd volunteer to be her support person. I'd go to the hospital and sit with her while the induction medicine was kicking in, working magic, and making baby stuff happen. Well, the problem is, I've never been one for birth. I don't care for children or their general raising. I'd rather not even think about anyone giving birth, so this was new for me. The good thing is I was well equipped with a background in being awkwardly funny.
So from my understanding, what happens is, well...a man and a woman partake in sexual pleasure to the point of producing sperm that attaches itself to the egg...and so forth-you know this part; it's the fun part. Ok, now for the less fun part. There's the conception. Not so bad. That's fine. But after that, there is the growing. The baby grows into a bundle of pulpy goodness, that eventually becomes a human form with fingernails, skin, and bones. It eats your insides as it grows and grows, til it becomes big enough that your body is like "I need to expel this lifeform within me!!" So your cervix starts preparing itself or something. And there's some bones that move around...all on their on. IT's like being possessed, only cuter, and people say, "you have a glow about you," rather than, "you don't look quite like yourself today." Of course, with pregnancy, you have the very clear sign of a baby bump. Anyways, so when your body is taking too long, or the baby is moving around too much (the case for my friend), they induce labor.
Induction sounds fun, right? I mean, in mathematics, it's just proving that a statement holds for all natural numbers by proving that the first statement in the infinite sequence of statements is true, and then proving that if any one statement in the infinite sequence of statements is true, then so is the next one. It's actually pretty easy. In pregnancy, it's not so easy. Not at all. I happened to walk in right after they'd begun this interesting procedure on my friend. She told me when I closed the door that the nurse had just finished the unpleasant process of sticking a filled balloon into her vag. Yay. That sounds like loads of...no, no it doesn't. Don't even lie to yourself. So what this balloon does is cause her to dilate, from what I was told. I don't know any of this for fact. It prepares her to shove a blood and mucus covered baby from her body into the world, where it is cold and really, really bright.
They had her hooked up to all kinds of monitors. They finally gave her some pain and nausea medication, so a few hours after I left she slept. Then, in the morning, they woke her up and got her ready for more madness. Her water was broken...which just sounds so gross. Like I can just picture a waterfall gushing forth from between her legs now. Great. Anyways, then they told her that she should be ready to have this thing around 7 hours later. I'm not sure if that's an adequate amount of time to shove a human out; nevertheless, that didn't happen. This baby was stubborn. So now they are going to do a C-section.
Now this is really gross in itself. It's where they cut the woman open, lay her organs out on display, and take the baby out by physical force. I don't know about you, but this sounds dangerous, kind of like a war scene. I'm pretty sure I watched a documentary about cannibals that did something similar to this process. Then, they stitch you up, and you recover for the next 2 months. Like, you can't pick up anything heavier than...well, the baby. Hopefully, though-if all goes well, we will have a boucing baby boy around 5 pm. :) And I will be a Grandpa.
I'm not sure what else to educate you all on in regards to birth. This is as far as I've gotten. Oh, but I did learn that a lot of women that give birth all natural describe the moment that the baby drops into position like a ring of fire "down there." Interesting stuff.
happy pooping.
The mother is a dear friend of mine, who had a rough childhood, with a former prosititute for a mother and a pervert for a father. It was no surprise when we found out she got pregnant by hooking up with a high school interest---though, we thought she was gay, so a bit of a surprise there.
Since she is a good friend, I decided I'd volunteer to be her support person. I'd go to the hospital and sit with her while the induction medicine was kicking in, working magic, and making baby stuff happen. Well, the problem is, I've never been one for birth. I don't care for children or their general raising. I'd rather not even think about anyone giving birth, so this was new for me. The good thing is I was well equipped with a background in being awkwardly funny.
So from my understanding, what happens is, well...a man and a woman partake in sexual pleasure to the point of producing sperm that attaches itself to the egg...and so forth-you know this part; it's the fun part. Ok, now for the less fun part. There's the conception. Not so bad. That's fine. But after that, there is the growing. The baby grows into a bundle of pulpy goodness, that eventually becomes a human form with fingernails, skin, and bones. It eats your insides as it grows and grows, til it becomes big enough that your body is like "I need to expel this lifeform within me!!" So your cervix starts preparing itself or something. And there's some bones that move around...all on their on. IT's like being possessed, only cuter, and people say, "you have a glow about you," rather than, "you don't look quite like yourself today." Of course, with pregnancy, you have the very clear sign of a baby bump. Anyways, so when your body is taking too long, or the baby is moving around too much (the case for my friend), they induce labor.
Induction sounds fun, right? I mean, in mathematics, it's just proving that a statement holds for all natural numbers by proving that the first statement in the infinite sequence of statements is true, and then proving that if any one statement in the infinite sequence of statements is true, then so is the next one. It's actually pretty easy. In pregnancy, it's not so easy. Not at all. I happened to walk in right after they'd begun this interesting procedure on my friend. She told me when I closed the door that the nurse had just finished the unpleasant process of sticking a filled balloon into her vag. Yay. That sounds like loads of...no, no it doesn't. Don't even lie to yourself. So what this balloon does is cause her to dilate, from what I was told. I don't know any of this for fact. It prepares her to shove a blood and mucus covered baby from her body into the world, where it is cold and really, really bright.
They had her hooked up to all kinds of monitors. They finally gave her some pain and nausea medication, so a few hours after I left she slept. Then, in the morning, they woke her up and got her ready for more madness. Her water was broken...which just sounds so gross. Like I can just picture a waterfall gushing forth from between her legs now. Great. Anyways, then they told her that she should be ready to have this thing around 7 hours later. I'm not sure if that's an adequate amount of time to shove a human out; nevertheless, that didn't happen. This baby was stubborn. So now they are going to do a C-section.
Now this is really gross in itself. It's where they cut the woman open, lay her organs out on display, and take the baby out by physical force. I don't know about you, but this sounds dangerous, kind of like a war scene. I'm pretty sure I watched a documentary about cannibals that did something similar to this process. Then, they stitch you up, and you recover for the next 2 months. Like, you can't pick up anything heavier than...well, the baby. Hopefully, though-if all goes well, we will have a boucing baby boy around 5 pm. :) And I will be a Grandpa.
I'm not sure what else to educate you all on in regards to birth. This is as far as I've gotten. Oh, but I did learn that a lot of women that give birth all natural describe the moment that the baby drops into position like a ring of fire "down there." Interesting stuff.
happy pooping.
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