Geriatric Girls Gone Wild

Readers, we have come to the age of incontinence, disorientation, and early bed times. That’s right, we are becoming elderly.  The other day, we were having one of our world-renown slumber parties, and we were having a blast. When 9:30 p.m. rolled around, though, we were quick to put on our pajamas and jump in bed. What’s worse is we barely talked-we just went to sleep! Now, there are plenty of reasons why this could have happened. I mean, we are working and waking up earlier. So why, then, did my significant other, and I pee our pants because we were laughing too hard the next day? Incontinence is no laughing matter.  Here is a surprising statistic, ladies:” Between the ages of 18 and 44, approximately 24% of women experience incontinence.” That is approximately a quarter of the population of women. One woman bravely gives her testimony on the matter, stating “At first I only noticed that I leaked urine when I was lifting something very heavy or when I coughed or sneezed. Over time, it got worse.” We have a lot to look forward to, ladies. 

Of course, we also have the disorientation. It is somewhat normal for someone to go into a room and completely forget why they were going there; however, it is less understandable when this type of thing happens multiple times, daily. For instance, at our slumber parties, my significant other will become suddenly wide-eyed and start asking what we were talking about. I forget where I am, sometimes. Often, we will find ourselves walking along busy highways, not sure how we got there.

These aren’t the only signs of our growing age. We have also become bad drivers that yell at other bad drivers for not driving properly. You know the ones? The ones that blindly pull into a lane, causing the car next to them to either slow down or move over to avoid being hit, yet they yell at the driver in the adjacent lane for not moving over sooner. “I had my blinker on!” Yeah, that’s us, now. Oh, and how about the fact that we don’t like driving at night. Not only is that past our bed time, it is also way too bright for our feeble eyes with all these new-fangled LED lights that Acura and a few other companies have begun using.

Another issue that is huge for us, is that music seems to be too loud at times. The other night, while getting ready to go to an early enough viewing of a movie so we would be in bed at a decent time, we were playing music when we decided that it was too loud and we continued to turn it down considerably. For everyone reading this, this is not OK! We are in our prime and music should be too loud. 


To give you a little history on us, so you can see how much our funness has declined, I will share what our weekends use to be like.

• Friday- Meet up around 6 and head to my other half's apartment, of course not before purchasing an unreasonable amount of alcohol. Once there, we would invite some guys over or go to a bar. Once we were in the company of the other sex we would play beer pong, or cards, or even dance. Once we were a few drinks in, we would invite our male friends to join us in some good ole' fun time...if you know what I mean. Once we had discarded the other gender we stay up until the wee hours of the morning drinking and making an obscene amount of noise.
• Saturday- We would sleep until about 1 pm and then grab some lunch. On some occasions we would go to the nearest wal-mart or grocery store to buy ingredients for our own culinary endeavors. Once we reached late afternoon we would basically repeat the previous night, but it would be 10 times crazier.

As you can see, we have declined greatly and have fell into a rut. Some people may say this is all apart of growing up, but to those individuals I would like to say "Screw YOU!!". You probably haven't sharted in your pants in the last week because of a sneeze.

Homemade Whirlpool Cuddling...

     As you all know, my other half and I went on an epic road trip this past weekend. Sounds innocent, right?  Absolutely not!  If you have been reading our blogs you know by now that when we are involved, nothing is innocent. It all started Friday night when the work week had ceased and we were free to the open road. We blared our fun playlists made for this special occasion and ate our Taco Bell with ease knowing that in just a short period of time we would be far away from any judgmental stares caused by our wailing, siren like voices and bean-induced flatulence.

     We arrived at our destination, and upon checking-in, we realized that the gentleman at the front desk was giving us weird looks. We concluded that he must have thought we were lovers due to our giggly, excited attitudes towards one another. In all honesty, we were excited because we never do anything exciting and this trip was so spontaneous for us, even though it took two months for us to plan it. The attendant handed us our keys to our bedroom on the third floor. We hoisted our bags onto our shoulders and headed for the elevators. These elevators were probably the slowest, creakiest hotel elevators either of us had ever been on. It took a whole ten minutes just to get to our room. Upon entering, we kicked off our shoes and released our baggage before collapsing onto our king sized bed-which resembled a size between a king and queen, if you ask me.

       Lying in bed, side by side, we suddenly noticed that there was a multitude of bugs in one corner. We discovered upon closer inspection that  our room was the lady bug  honey moon suite. There was a large cluster of the beautiful beetles in one corner of the closed window. Not sure how they got in, but they weren't unwelcome guests considering what else could have been in the room. We decided to investigate the whole room, just in case. The bathroom was spotless, other than some standing water in the tub. Everything looked great. We got our box of nerds, and we settled in for the night, flipping on some HGTV, and slept like the dead.

       Our plan for the next day consisted of going to a cave and possibly some other odd and end activities. However, after our adventure through the cave, all thoughts of activities went out the window and we returned to our room for a siesta. When we awoke from our nap it was time for our romantic reserved dinner. I mean, what's a best friend honeymoon without a romantic dinner? We arrived slightly early, due mostly to excitement. The meal was bland, but the entertainment was pretty good. After becoming exasperated with our waitress, we left the restaurant and began our search for the nearest packaging store because we had clear intentions of getting drunk off our asses. After all, when life has you down the best way to get back up is having a night of complete oblivion. Here I have to give some back story. We were both having some difficult times. Family members were sick, significant others were being douche bags, and work was becoming exhaustingly slow. That's why we needed a break; however, the drama followed us to the mountains, so we decided to numb the stress through consumption.

     Once we had our happy juice in hand, we were on our way to party it up at the hotel. We got to our room and because my other half was having relationship problems, we made an "angry break-up" playlist on the good ole' iPod. Because at this point we had already downed one or two glasses of a delicious tequila mixture, our playlist was somewhat irrelevant to our desired goal. I mean, since when is "Rape Me" from Nirvana relevant to a shitty move from your boy/girlfriend? (Other half here: it's related because s/he took everything from me! S/He raped me of my emotions!!! The real question is, when was that song by The Talking Heads added? That one still eludes my understanding.)

      After our playlist was done, we danced and we danced hard. We also procured scratches and bruises from our "hard" dancing due to our alcohol intake. Not to mention the falling into walls and off the bed- it was like a dirty dance video gone awry. After our impromptu dance party, we decided it was time for some drunk dialing. After all, there is nothing more flattering than getting a drunk call from someone. We called one of our dear friends, but unfortunately not much was remembered from that conversation. Afterwards, we started texting the evil girl/boyfriend who drove my other half to ingesting the devil's water.

     Within an hour and a half, our bottle of tequila was gone and we were jonesing for some water fun. We headed downstairs and tried our luck at getting into the hotel whirlpool. When we got down there, the whirlpool was closed; we then asked the front desk if the pool was open. Though it was about 45 degrees outside, we were determined to have some fun. Somehow, our deadened brain cells knew that the alcohol would keep us warm. Our joy was crushed when we found out the pool was closed as well. When we get back to the room I have a stroke of genius. We made our own whirlpool in the bathroom tub. By this time you have to understand that the whole bottle of tequila was now residing in our tummies, and our heads were in a complete fog. The fact that the bathtub was only as big as an ordinary house tub was irrelevant at the time. We stripped down (completely) and got in our homemade whirlpool. We splashed and laughed, but something was looming. My other half broke down in tears so I embraced her, not caring that we were both naked. That's what best friends are for, after all.

     Once we were out of the tub and had gotten half of our clothes back on, I heard a loud thud. Near the door, lying face down, was my poor friend. She had given in to our wild and crazy night as well as letting go of her dinner from earlier. As I traveled across the room I began to notice the floor was becoming closer to my face than it should. I then realized I was immobile on the floor before making it to the rescue of my friend. I continued to lay there for an unknown amount of time when I finally found the energy to move my legs. I got to my friend and urged her to the bed only for her to throw up again on the sheets. The next thing that is remembered is lying in a dark room and emptying my stomach on my side of the bed.

     The next morning, around 6:30, we both woke up to the unknown condition of our room and no memory of the previous night. When my other half began the search for her phone we felt as though we were in our own "Hangover" movie. We were very hesitant to go into the bathroom for fear there would be a tiger waiting for us. Once we were fully awake, I went to the refrigerator to grab a water and lo and behold, there her phone sat in the refrigerator next to her leftover salmon. She had two voice mails and a few texts from her boyfriend worried for our safety. We wondered how and why he knew we had been drinking. With further investigation we realized she had sent him texts claiming he was a "stupid haaaass" and that we were friends "forevah!".

      Around 7:30 am we decided to indulge in the free breakfast that was provided by the hotel, even though we still had a good amount of alcohol in our systems and we felt very rough. After a waffle, one serving of eggs, and about 5-10 pieces of sausage each, we decided to retreat to our room to put some of the pieces together. The room embodied the scent of tequila, puke, and shame. Our environment had yet to stop spinning and we were in no shape to drive home so we opted for a late check-out. Come noon, we could no longer tolerate the smell and packed our stuff. We left a nice tip for the housekeepers along with a note apologizing for the puke stains, the clogged tub, and horrible smell.

      There is the majority of our vacation for your eyes, only. Hope you enjoy our adventures...we sure didn't. Ok, that's a lie. We had a blast. We just can't remember most of it, and it cost us more than just our dignity. Hopefully you will learn a lesson from this story. Don't eat salad or salmon or ribeye if you plan on drinking a quart of tequilla afterwards. It'd probably be best to eat a lot of bread, instead. Anyways, maybe you just shouldn't drink to get wasted? That's what we learned. Next time, once again, we'll be going for slightly tipsy. HAHAHA!
Happy pooping, y'all! Come back, ya hear?
We're too gangsta to be hipsta. Love us.  :)