Homemade Whirlpool Cuddling...

     As you all know, my other half and I went on an epic road trip this past weekend. Sounds innocent, right?  Absolutely not!  If you have been reading our blogs you know by now that when we are involved, nothing is innocent. It all started Friday night when the work week had ceased and we were free to the open road. We blared our fun playlists made for this special occasion and ate our Taco Bell with ease knowing that in just a short period of time we would be far away from any judgmental stares caused by our wailing, siren like voices and bean-induced flatulence.

     We arrived at our destination, and upon checking-in, we realized that the gentleman at the front desk was giving us weird looks. We concluded that he must have thought we were lovers due to our giggly, excited attitudes towards one another. In all honesty, we were excited because we never do anything exciting and this trip was so spontaneous for us, even though it took two months for us to plan it. The attendant handed us our keys to our bedroom on the third floor. We hoisted our bags onto our shoulders and headed for the elevators. These elevators were probably the slowest, creakiest hotel elevators either of us had ever been on. It took a whole ten minutes just to get to our room. Upon entering, we kicked off our shoes and released our baggage before collapsing onto our king sized bed-which resembled a size between a king and queen, if you ask me.

       Lying in bed, side by side, we suddenly noticed that there was a multitude of bugs in one corner. We discovered upon closer inspection that  our room was the lady bug  honey moon suite. There was a large cluster of the beautiful beetles in one corner of the closed window. Not sure how they got in, but they weren't unwelcome guests considering what else could have been in the room. We decided to investigate the whole room, just in case. The bathroom was spotless, other than some standing water in the tub. Everything looked great. We got our box of nerds, and we settled in for the night, flipping on some HGTV, and slept like the dead.

       Our plan for the next day consisted of going to a cave and possibly some other odd and end activities. However, after our adventure through the cave, all thoughts of activities went out the window and we returned to our room for a siesta. When we awoke from our nap it was time for our romantic reserved dinner. I mean, what's a best friend honeymoon without a romantic dinner? We arrived slightly early, due mostly to excitement. The meal was bland, but the entertainment was pretty good. After becoming exasperated with our waitress, we left the restaurant and began our search for the nearest packaging store because we had clear intentions of getting drunk off our asses. After all, when life has you down the best way to get back up is having a night of complete oblivion. Here I have to give some back story. We were both having some difficult times. Family members were sick, significant others were being douche bags, and work was becoming exhaustingly slow. That's why we needed a break; however, the drama followed us to the mountains, so we decided to numb the stress through consumption.

     Once we had our happy juice in hand, we were on our way to party it up at the hotel. We got to our room and because my other half was having relationship problems, we made an "angry break-up" playlist on the good ole' iPod. Because at this point we had already downed one or two glasses of a delicious tequila mixture, our playlist was somewhat irrelevant to our desired goal. I mean, since when is "Rape Me" from Nirvana relevant to a shitty move from your boy/girlfriend? (Other half here: it's related because s/he took everything from me! S/He raped me of my emotions!!! The real question is, when was that song by The Talking Heads added? That one still eludes my understanding.)

      After our playlist was done, we danced and we danced hard. We also procured scratches and bruises from our "hard" dancing due to our alcohol intake. Not to mention the falling into walls and off the bed- it was like a dirty dance video gone awry. After our impromptu dance party, we decided it was time for some drunk dialing. After all, there is nothing more flattering than getting a drunk call from someone. We called one of our dear friends, but unfortunately not much was remembered from that conversation. Afterwards, we started texting the evil girl/boyfriend who drove my other half to ingesting the devil's water.

     Within an hour and a half, our bottle of tequila was gone and we were jonesing for some water fun. We headed downstairs and tried our luck at getting into the hotel whirlpool. When we got down there, the whirlpool was closed; we then asked the front desk if the pool was open. Though it was about 45 degrees outside, we were determined to have some fun. Somehow, our deadened brain cells knew that the alcohol would keep us warm. Our joy was crushed when we found out the pool was closed as well. When we get back to the room I have a stroke of genius. We made our own whirlpool in the bathroom tub. By this time you have to understand that the whole bottle of tequila was now residing in our tummies, and our heads were in a complete fog. The fact that the bathtub was only as big as an ordinary house tub was irrelevant at the time. We stripped down (completely) and got in our homemade whirlpool. We splashed and laughed, but something was looming. My other half broke down in tears so I embraced her, not caring that we were both naked. That's what best friends are for, after all.

     Once we were out of the tub and had gotten half of our clothes back on, I heard a loud thud. Near the door, lying face down, was my poor friend. She had given in to our wild and crazy night as well as letting go of her dinner from earlier. As I traveled across the room I began to notice the floor was becoming closer to my face than it should. I then realized I was immobile on the floor before making it to the rescue of my friend. I continued to lay there for an unknown amount of time when I finally found the energy to move my legs. I got to my friend and urged her to the bed only for her to throw up again on the sheets. The next thing that is remembered is lying in a dark room and emptying my stomach on my side of the bed.

     The next morning, around 6:30, we both woke up to the unknown condition of our room and no memory of the previous night. When my other half began the search for her phone we felt as though we were in our own "Hangover" movie. We were very hesitant to go into the bathroom for fear there would be a tiger waiting for us. Once we were fully awake, I went to the refrigerator to grab a water and lo and behold, there her phone sat in the refrigerator next to her leftover salmon. She had two voice mails and a few texts from her boyfriend worried for our safety. We wondered how and why he knew we had been drinking. With further investigation we realized she had sent him texts claiming he was a "stupid haaaass" and that we were friends "forevah!".

      Around 7:30 am we decided to indulge in the free breakfast that was provided by the hotel, even though we still had a good amount of alcohol in our systems and we felt very rough. After a waffle, one serving of eggs, and about 5-10 pieces of sausage each, we decided to retreat to our room to put some of the pieces together. The room embodied the scent of tequila, puke, and shame. Our environment had yet to stop spinning and we were in no shape to drive home so we opted for a late check-out. Come noon, we could no longer tolerate the smell and packed our stuff. We left a nice tip for the housekeepers along with a note apologizing for the puke stains, the clogged tub, and horrible smell.

      There is the majority of our vacation for your eyes, only. Hope you enjoy our adventures...we sure didn't. Ok, that's a lie. We had a blast. We just can't remember most of it, and it cost us more than just our dignity. Hopefully you will learn a lesson from this story. Don't eat salad or salmon or ribeye if you plan on drinking a quart of tequilla afterwards. It'd probably be best to eat a lot of bread, instead. Anyways, maybe you just shouldn't drink to get wasted? That's what we learned. Next time, once again, we'll be going for slightly tipsy. HAHAHA!
Happy pooping, y'all! Come back, ya hear?
We're too gangsta to be hipsta. Love us.  :)

   

The Closer Than Close Friendship

  You know that friend that you have done so much stupid stuff with, you just can't imagine not being friends with her/him? Well, we have a story that trumps all stupid stories, ever. I'm pretty sure this constitutes as a crime it was so stupid. The beginning of this post will be slightly scary, so bear with us. At the end, we will give you a shot of "feel good" juice.
   The first year that we met, we became very close friends; but not in the usual sense. We didn't bond over simple things like barbie dolls and cute shoes. NO, we were forced together through a series of events that took place over a single evening in our lives. So, New Year's Eve rolled around. This is a big holiday for college students. It gives them the necessary means to party, including friends with alcohol. There were two parties we were invited to, by two totally different types of people. We had no way of knowing what lay ahead.
   The first party was a typical family type party, where the strongest drink available was Pinot Grigio...which we were banned from touching due to events at a party a few months earlier that provided uncomfortable snuggle partners and the mocking of a porcelain Santa ornament as we passed out. Besides, we were planning on driving an hour to drop in at the second party, that would later bring us closer than ever imagined. The games at the first party were easy going, but the girls were in "bitch" mode (presumably because their boyfriends found us more interesting), so we ended up leaving earlier than planned. But not before we consumed some delicious chili and chicken sandwiches.
   On our way to the second party, we partook in some exciting road trip music and dancing. And of course, we made road trip videos to catalog our trip, after all this was a memorable night. Not before calling our mom, who told us "don't do anything stupid...like drinking and driving." Once more, we were on the road again! We saw several cop cars interspersed; we even passed through a road block. The cop did not seem too concerned as to why two college kids were driving an hour away from the address listed on my driver's license. Nothing suspicious about that at all.
   We arrived at the second party, unscathed, and beer-less. The host was very generous, though considering our lack of bearing any fun juice. As soon as we walked in, she asked if she could make us a mixed vodka drink. We were obliged to accept, since we were planning on staying overnight, as per Mom's instructions. Once we got the first drink in our systems, we braved the party-goers and the rest of the night came easily. An invitation was extended to us to participate in a friendly game of beer pong. I remember drinking most of the beers due to my other half beating the shit out of me, but I could be wrong. After the first round, I was in desperate need of a sit down, and so was my other half.
   I decided to step outside for some fresh air, and also down some cancer sticks with friends. We sat on the porch swing and watched more and more drunk people pour in...all of this as the beer pong went to our head. My other half clumsily joined us on the porch to express her love for anything that was in sight. There were words exchanged with several guys, and a second round of drinks were brought to us on the porch. Nothing was unusual. However, when we went back inside approximately an hour later, things were getting very hazy. The last thing I remember was watching an exciting game of waterfall, when suddenly, I was being lifted off the couch. I puked vodka and orange soda all down the front of the host's outfit. Needless, to say she was not happy. She left me in her cousin's care; he washed me up and got me in some extra clothes he had at the house, then laid me on a mattress in the guest bedroom. My other half soon followed with the assistance of a few men. We were both in and out of what we were later told was called alcohol black outs.
    The next morning, we were awakened by glaring sunlight coming from a window behind our heads. We looked at each other in horror over the host's cousin's head, who had apparently fallen asleep between us. You know how people joke about finding their child has pooped on the walls, and they are struck with terror as they look along every surface of the bathroom to find feces? Well, we had a similar reaction as we discovered there was chunks of chili colored throw up on the walls around the bed, as well as on the carpet. Imagine Linda Blair...times ten. Very disgusting I know. Also, turns out there was not just one guy in the bed, there were two! And not the attractive kind, but the kind you would rather chew your arm off rather than wake them. We had fit four people in a full size bed. Due to the crowded bed, my poor other half awoke to find her body pressed against this puke covered wall.
   We got up and put clothes on; then, we proceeded to the bathroom for a short clean up before making our exit. However, as we crossed the hallway to the bathroom, we realized it would be impossible to make our escape without the host knowing. We got cleaned up and went to the living room where the host was cleaning up other people's mess. She gave us a brief description of what happened during our blackout:
   Apparently, what happened was we were laid on the guest mattress and given a throw up can...but not before my other half fought the people dragging us to the bedroom, causing her to break a glass coffee table and rip a socket out of the wall with her leg (yes, the leg was cut up pretty badly). After we were put in cleanish clothes and laid in bed, our help left. When someone returned to check on us, we had thrown up all over the bed, and were basically rolling around in chili vomit. Remember, we are blacked out, so we have no idea what is going on. The next time the help returns, we have a male in the bed, passed out next to us, and I am using him as a body pillow. The guest mattress being the only other bed in a quiet room left, the help gets in the bed too. That night, we ended up ruining a living room area rug, a glass coffee table, a power outlet, a bathroom rug, and several pairs of clothes, plus the sheets we slept on. Needless to say, we tried to help out with some of the cleaning, but we were pretty much useless because we were feeling very drugged.
    I'd like to pose the question that we have had for some time about this party. Now, we didn't really drink that much compared to what we had drank before, so why did we feel so drunk so quickly? There were several party-goers there with drugs on them, though the host denies it. We have a strong feeling that we were drugged at some point during the night. But to make matters easier to live with, we will just say we got wasted.