Homemade Whirlpool Cuddling...

     As you all know, my other half and I went on an epic road trip this past weekend. Sounds innocent, right?  Absolutely not!  If you have been reading our blogs you know by now that when we are involved, nothing is innocent. It all started Friday night when the work week had ceased and we were free to the open road. We blared our fun playlists made for this special occasion and ate our Taco Bell with ease knowing that in just a short period of time we would be far away from any judgmental stares caused by our wailing, siren like voices and bean-induced flatulence.

     We arrived at our destination, and upon checking-in, we realized that the gentleman at the front desk was giving us weird looks. We concluded that he must have thought we were lovers due to our giggly, excited attitudes towards one another. In all honesty, we were excited because we never do anything exciting and this trip was so spontaneous for us, even though it took two months for us to plan it. The attendant handed us our keys to our bedroom on the third floor. We hoisted our bags onto our shoulders and headed for the elevators. These elevators were probably the slowest, creakiest hotel elevators either of us had ever been on. It took a whole ten minutes just to get to our room. Upon entering, we kicked off our shoes and released our baggage before collapsing onto our king sized bed-which resembled a size between a king and queen, if you ask me.

       Lying in bed, side by side, we suddenly noticed that there was a multitude of bugs in one corner. We discovered upon closer inspection that  our room was the lady bug  honey moon suite. There was a large cluster of the beautiful beetles in one corner of the closed window. Not sure how they got in, but they weren't unwelcome guests considering what else could have been in the room. We decided to investigate the whole room, just in case. The bathroom was spotless, other than some standing water in the tub. Everything looked great. We got our box of nerds, and we settled in for the night, flipping on some HGTV, and slept like the dead.

       Our plan for the next day consisted of going to a cave and possibly some other odd and end activities. However, after our adventure through the cave, all thoughts of activities went out the window and we returned to our room for a siesta. When we awoke from our nap it was time for our romantic reserved dinner. I mean, what's a best friend honeymoon without a romantic dinner? We arrived slightly early, due mostly to excitement. The meal was bland, but the entertainment was pretty good. After becoming exasperated with our waitress, we left the restaurant and began our search for the nearest packaging store because we had clear intentions of getting drunk off our asses. After all, when life has you down the best way to get back up is having a night of complete oblivion. Here I have to give some back story. We were both having some difficult times. Family members were sick, significant others were being douche bags, and work was becoming exhaustingly slow. That's why we needed a break; however, the drama followed us to the mountains, so we decided to numb the stress through consumption.

     Once we had our happy juice in hand, we were on our way to party it up at the hotel. We got to our room and because my other half was having relationship problems, we made an "angry break-up" playlist on the good ole' iPod. Because at this point we had already downed one or two glasses of a delicious tequila mixture, our playlist was somewhat irrelevant to our desired goal. I mean, since when is "Rape Me" from Nirvana relevant to a shitty move from your boy/girlfriend? (Other half here: it's related because s/he took everything from me! S/He raped me of my emotions!!! The real question is, when was that song by The Talking Heads added? That one still eludes my understanding.)

      After our playlist was done, we danced and we danced hard. We also procured scratches and bruises from our "hard" dancing due to our alcohol intake. Not to mention the falling into walls and off the bed- it was like a dirty dance video gone awry. After our impromptu dance party, we decided it was time for some drunk dialing. After all, there is nothing more flattering than getting a drunk call from someone. We called one of our dear friends, but unfortunately not much was remembered from that conversation. Afterwards, we started texting the evil girl/boyfriend who drove my other half to ingesting the devil's water.

     Within an hour and a half, our bottle of tequila was gone and we were jonesing for some water fun. We headed downstairs and tried our luck at getting into the hotel whirlpool. When we got down there, the whirlpool was closed; we then asked the front desk if the pool was open. Though it was about 45 degrees outside, we were determined to have some fun. Somehow, our deadened brain cells knew that the alcohol would keep us warm. Our joy was crushed when we found out the pool was closed as well. When we get back to the room I have a stroke of genius. We made our own whirlpool in the bathroom tub. By this time you have to understand that the whole bottle of tequila was now residing in our tummies, and our heads were in a complete fog. The fact that the bathtub was only as big as an ordinary house tub was irrelevant at the time. We stripped down (completely) and got in our homemade whirlpool. We splashed and laughed, but something was looming. My other half broke down in tears so I embraced her, not caring that we were both naked. That's what best friends are for, after all.

     Once we were out of the tub and had gotten half of our clothes back on, I heard a loud thud. Near the door, lying face down, was my poor friend. She had given in to our wild and crazy night as well as letting go of her dinner from earlier. As I traveled across the room I began to notice the floor was becoming closer to my face than it should. I then realized I was immobile on the floor before making it to the rescue of my friend. I continued to lay there for an unknown amount of time when I finally found the energy to move my legs. I got to my friend and urged her to the bed only for her to throw up again on the sheets. The next thing that is remembered is lying in a dark room and emptying my stomach on my side of the bed.

     The next morning, around 6:30, we both woke up to the unknown condition of our room and no memory of the previous night. When my other half began the search for her phone we felt as though we were in our own "Hangover" movie. We were very hesitant to go into the bathroom for fear there would be a tiger waiting for us. Once we were fully awake, I went to the refrigerator to grab a water and lo and behold, there her phone sat in the refrigerator next to her leftover salmon. She had two voice mails and a few texts from her boyfriend worried for our safety. We wondered how and why he knew we had been drinking. With further investigation we realized she had sent him texts claiming he was a "stupid haaaass" and that we were friends "forevah!".

      Around 7:30 am we decided to indulge in the free breakfast that was provided by the hotel, even though we still had a good amount of alcohol in our systems and we felt very rough. After a waffle, one serving of eggs, and about 5-10 pieces of sausage each, we decided to retreat to our room to put some of the pieces together. The room embodied the scent of tequila, puke, and shame. Our environment had yet to stop spinning and we were in no shape to drive home so we opted for a late check-out. Come noon, we could no longer tolerate the smell and packed our stuff. We left a nice tip for the housekeepers along with a note apologizing for the puke stains, the clogged tub, and horrible smell.

      There is the majority of our vacation for your eyes, only. Hope you enjoy our adventures...we sure didn't. Ok, that's a lie. We had a blast. We just can't remember most of it, and it cost us more than just our dignity. Hopefully you will learn a lesson from this story. Don't eat salad or salmon or ribeye if you plan on drinking a quart of tequilla afterwards. It'd probably be best to eat a lot of bread, instead. Anyways, maybe you just shouldn't drink to get wasted? That's what we learned. Next time, once again, we'll be going for slightly tipsy. HAHAHA!
Happy pooping, y'all! Come back, ya hear?
We're too gangsta to be hipsta. Love us.  :)

   

Don't Be Discouraged

Forty-year-old virgins, this post is for you! 

    We were watching Taboo last night, and the featured man was a forty-year-old virgin. From what he said, it all began when he was young. He was a virtuous believer in Jesus Christ, and followed his church's desire to be abstinent until marriage. It was even said that he and his friends were proud of their virginity and often bragged about it. As he got older, he dumped the church, but he wasn't able to recover his sexuality. To conquer his fear of sexual beings, he went to a strip club. It caused him such great discomfort that he fled from the dark, dank space, and had to seek counseling. This man's predicament got me thinking. If you want to conquer your fear of a woman's body, you should not go out in public to do so. The strip club is not the best place to find a woman who will help you. Well, she may help you, but it may be more traumatic than helpful. I decided that the best way for a terrified virgin to get his/her cherry popped is to find someone willing to assist with that, patiently.
     In life, it is important to find a sex partner who is patient and eager to please. It is especially important when you are a virgin. The thing is, sex is just being constantly tossed in our faces by media. It's no wonder virgins feel afraid to try it for the first time. There is constantly some new sex tip being advertised. What if you aren't good in bed?? Don't worry about that! Just find someone who is willing to work with you on finding what you're good at in bed. Someone that is willing to do what ever it takes to get you out of your shell and into the sheets. Once you find someone that you can trust, that appreciates you for more than your body and sex appeal, you will be more open to learning the tricks of the trade.

 

    Make sex a fun adventure. It's not a walk in a dark, scary wood. I mean...not from personal experience. Don't be afraid of the monsters in the bed, because once you find that special someone, your tugbug or rubtub is in for a real treat! Sex can be such a wonderful experience your first time, if you take it slow. If your partner is trying to rush you into having sex and you aren't ready, it's going to be less than fun.
    Another thing I noticed from Taboo, the guy went on a speed date, and he asked every girl if she would have sex with him if she knew he was a virgin. Ok, the error was mentioning sex on the first date. I assure you that as soon as the word "sex" was mentioned, the girl tuned everything else out. Then, she started over analyzing why he asked about "sex." "What would we do on the second date?" "He must not be interested in my personality." It is a sure way to get turned down, guys. Now, as for women, you don't have to worry about that. If you mention that you are a virgin, I guarantee that the likelihood of your speed date thinking, "Yes, I can fix that for you ;)" is very high. It's not true for all guys, but don't hold your breath for the one that thinks, "She's not interested in my personality. I'm out of here." However, it's best to avoid this predicament because you may get someone who expects sex from you. If you are a terrified virgin, you don't want this situation; it will mean he may lose interest when you explain that you said, "I need someone patient because I am afraid to have sex." See the dilemma?

    You also don't want to find a partner that wants to experiment, so purchasing services from an unknown source is not a good idea. I know, I know. It sounds like a good idea. If you are interested in doing it anon. you probably should try phone sex, first. If you get an actual person to come to your house, it's probably going to end up kinky. Too kinky when you don't know what you're doing. It's safe to say it's better to steer away from services you have to pay for. However, if you are determined, there are sites out there for people with special needs in the bedroom. Just try Google; I'm not going to bother searching them for you. My vote is consistently with finding someone who loves you enough to take good care of your body. ;)
    This may not be this best advice blog you have read. It wasn't supposed to be. Just know that you are not alone. If you need someone, you can always use yahoo chat. There are tons of inexperienced sex perverts on there that would love to give you a slow strip tease. And another plus is if you can't stand it, you can just exit out of the window!! But anyways, just try to stay positive. When it is time for you to relinquish your body to a lover, you will know. It will hit you like it hit Steve Carell in that movie "40- year-old Virgin," which is where I got most of my information for this blog...aside from last night's episode of Taboo. Hope you have gained some insight from us, as well. At least, I hope you enjoyed reading. Happy Pooping, you guys!