Don't Be Discouraged

Forty-year-old virgins, this post is for you! 

    We were watching Taboo last night, and the featured man was a forty-year-old virgin. From what he said, it all began when he was young. He was a virtuous believer in Jesus Christ, and followed his church's desire to be abstinent until marriage. It was even said that he and his friends were proud of their virginity and often bragged about it. As he got older, he dumped the church, but he wasn't able to recover his sexuality. To conquer his fear of sexual beings, he went to a strip club. It caused him such great discomfort that he fled from the dark, dank space, and had to seek counseling. This man's predicament got me thinking. If you want to conquer your fear of a woman's body, you should not go out in public to do so. The strip club is not the best place to find a woman who will help you. Well, she may help you, but it may be more traumatic than helpful. I decided that the best way for a terrified virgin to get his/her cherry popped is to find someone willing to assist with that, patiently.
     In life, it is important to find a sex partner who is patient and eager to please. It is especially important when you are a virgin. The thing is, sex is just being constantly tossed in our faces by media. It's no wonder virgins feel afraid to try it for the first time. There is constantly some new sex tip being advertised. What if you aren't good in bed?? Don't worry about that! Just find someone who is willing to work with you on finding what you're good at in bed. Someone that is willing to do what ever it takes to get you out of your shell and into the sheets. Once you find someone that you can trust, that appreciates you for more than your body and sex appeal, you will be more open to learning the tricks of the trade.

 

    Make sex a fun adventure. It's not a walk in a dark, scary wood. I mean...not from personal experience. Don't be afraid of the monsters in the bed, because once you find that special someone, your tugbug or rubtub is in for a real treat! Sex can be such a wonderful experience your first time, if you take it slow. If your partner is trying to rush you into having sex and you aren't ready, it's going to be less than fun.
    Another thing I noticed from Taboo, the guy went on a speed date, and he asked every girl if she would have sex with him if she knew he was a virgin. Ok, the error was mentioning sex on the first date. I assure you that as soon as the word "sex" was mentioned, the girl tuned everything else out. Then, she started over analyzing why he asked about "sex." "What would we do on the second date?" "He must not be interested in my personality." It is a sure way to get turned down, guys. Now, as for women, you don't have to worry about that. If you mention that you are a virgin, I guarantee that the likelihood of your speed date thinking, "Yes, I can fix that for you ;)" is very high. It's not true for all guys, but don't hold your breath for the one that thinks, "She's not interested in my personality. I'm out of here." However, it's best to avoid this predicament because you may get someone who expects sex from you. If you are a terrified virgin, you don't want this situation; it will mean he may lose interest when you explain that you said, "I need someone patient because I am afraid to have sex." See the dilemma?

    You also don't want to find a partner that wants to experiment, so purchasing services from an unknown source is not a good idea. I know, I know. It sounds like a good idea. If you are interested in doing it anon. you probably should try phone sex, first. If you get an actual person to come to your house, it's probably going to end up kinky. Too kinky when you don't know what you're doing. It's safe to say it's better to steer away from services you have to pay for. However, if you are determined, there are sites out there for people with special needs in the bedroom. Just try Google; I'm not going to bother searching them for you. My vote is consistently with finding someone who loves you enough to take good care of your body. ;)
    This may not be this best advice blog you have read. It wasn't supposed to be. Just know that you are not alone. If you need someone, you can always use yahoo chat. There are tons of inexperienced sex perverts on there that would love to give you a slow strip tease. And another plus is if you can't stand it, you can just exit out of the window!! But anyways, just try to stay positive. When it is time for you to relinquish your body to a lover, you will know. It will hit you like it hit Steve Carell in that movie "40- year-old Virgin," which is where I got most of my information for this blog...aside from last night's episode of Taboo. Hope you have gained some insight from us, as well. At least, I hope you enjoyed reading. Happy Pooping, you guys!

   

Behind Closed Doors

Not all women are the same. Some of us possess qualities that others do not, such as sensitivity, style, fragile dispositions, etc. These are all traits that are very relative to the person's general personality. So here, we will be discussing some common myths about women. Though we have no scientific evidence that the following statements are true, we are both women, so our gender trumps all else.

• First myth: Women are never uncouth.This is the least true statement a man could make. Women are just as foul, if not more so, than men. We just have the good sense to save our vile language for behind closed doors. One thing you learn from being a lady is to never express distaste publicly without disguising your words. For example, in the South, a common expression for "That bitch is pathetic" is "Bless her heart." As you can see, the second phrase is a much nicer way to say the former. But when the guards are down, and there are no other women to impress, we simply revert to insulting her in whatever jargon we choose.
• Second myth: Women have sleep overs in their underwear and partake in pillow fights. Now, part of this statement is very true. The sentiment behind it is not. Yes, we do enjoy sitting around in our underwear; however, it is not the way men currently think it is. In fact, it greatly resembles the way men sit around in their underwear. We may not have balls to scratch, but when a woman is lounging around in her undies with her girlfriends, it is not an attractive sight. It is certainly not like the movies, where the girls are clothed in thongs and lacy bras, laying in sexy positions. We usually have old t-shirts on with Homer Simpson on it, and panties with holes in them and period stains on them. As far as the pillow fights, the only time you hit another girl with your pillow is if she tries to snag the last piece of stuffed crust, supreme meat lover pizza, "bless her heart." 
• Third myth: Women don't like to eat a lot in front of men. Actually, if he's offering to pay, she's probably going to milk it til it's dry. Who would forfeit a free dinner?? If she is one of those ladies that doesn't eat a big meal on her man's budget, she probably ate a whole cow before attending the dinner. Or she has a five course meal lined up with five other gentlemen after you. "I'm just going to eat a salad for now," out loud, but in her head, "because I have to save room for my five other dates!" So be weary of these type women; they are the most dangerous to your heart. But women like us, we won't let you down. We'll eat the tastiest burger on the menu, without blinking an eye. And then when you take us home that night, we'll have plenty of time to think of how wonderful the date was because we won't be searching for more sustenance. 
• Fourth myth: Women enjoy wearing makeup. No. We do not. Some women greatly enjoy the process of covering their face up with mud and gook. But those are the deluded salad eaters of the world, who are trying to impress five different men. Most women, we would say, enjoy being appreciated for their natural self. The dark circles and blemishes, hairy legs and toes, no disguises. Because once you appreciate your woman for her natural self, you will learn to recognize the truly rare occasions when she wants to fuck your brains out. She will signal this by adding the correct amount of blush and eyeshadow, shaving her legs and armpits, and even trimming her nose hairs...all for you. She may even add a nice pair of underwear, not the sleepover kind. 
• Fifth myth: All women want relationships. Well, sometimes, we are just like you guys in the fact that we just need a good ole fashioned one night stand. We're not talking about the one night stand that turns into a relationship, nor are we talking about a literal one night stand. Sometimes we just need an hour, and no spending the night. Other times, it may turn into a month of one hours. Unless we SAY that you're in a relationship, it is safe to assume that you are being used for our pleasure. The best way to know if you are being used is if she never mentions marriage. Or children. Or if you don't hear from her unless she wants sex. If you only talk to her during the "heat of the moment," it's safe to say, you are just a fuddy. Needless to say, women do enjoy a gentle cuddle sometimes, so if she asks you to stay the night, don't be frightened. It does not mean you are in a relationship if you spend the night. It just means her a/c works too well. She will probably kick you out after breakfast, the breakfast that she asks you to procure. 
• Sixth myth: All women like to shop. Absolutely not! Going to the store knowing exactly what you want and buying said item does NOT count as shopping. Even that is an unpleasant experience for some. There are, of course, women who enjoy the thrill of being crushed between sweaty bodies, searching for the perfect pair of woolen socks, but not all of us are thrill seekers. Some of us don't even like socks! If your lady is dragging you around the mall, chances are, you are a trophy man. She just wants to show you off to all those other women who are OBVIOUSLY there to notice her, not to do any actual shopping. Most of us prefer to do our shopping from the computer, in the comfort of our period stained panties and Homer Simpson T's, eating a burger next to our fuddy. 

There you have it. Six myths deconstructed for all of you misogynistic, stereotyping people out there. And others. Just remember, if she orders a salad, she's probably cheating on you; when she says she's sitting around in her undies, it's not a pretty sight; and if she doesn't call you unless she wants some booty, you're just a fuddy. Hope you enjoyed our mythbuster session.
To all a good afternoon, and as always, happy pooping!