Call Me Big Poppa

     Since Halloween is only a month away (yes, we're excited), we decided to visit our local haunted house. This was a special occasion since my other half has never experienced the thrill of people getting their jollies off by scaring people with trash cans and sticks. After much coaxing on my other half's behalf I finally convinced her to go. To accomplish this I had to make many promises that people would not touch us, nor would we encounter any free range rodents.

     Our journey begins after we ventured into Petco to buy an overpriced Elizabethan inspired cone so our dog would leave his ass alone. We left after our nutritious dinner consisting of water and chocolate cupcakes (gotta keep up our figures) and arrived around 7:15 pm to our final destination... muahaha!!! After buying our half priced tickets we proceed into the holding area where we were forced to watch "Army of Darkness". We attempted to procure some chairs, but every time a pair became available our indecisiveness allowed people to get them before we could. Finally, our letter was called and we descended into darkness until we were asked to stop by a white disposal can (maybe that's where they throw away the dead bodies). We were then given the ground rules and told to follow the paved road, somewhat resembling a gruesome version the yellow brick road.

       Since we were first in line, we lead a group of 50+ people into a smokey trail of doom. Also, as the leaders we were the first to encounter the trash can beater, in which he successfully received a yelp from me and my other half. Then we entered into a maze of hanging dead bodies and maniacs with a desire for blood...our blood. The problem was you can't scare someone who has a big goofy smile on their face. Because of our maniacal smiles they were more scared of us than we were of them, so they passed us by for easier prey. We made it through the maze quite easily by holding hands; until a horrific incident happened involving my other half's ear being accidentally raped by an actors tongue causing her to have a semi-orgasm.

         Now came the walk through the woods, in which we had to ask several employee's how to get there. When we finally made it to the entrance gate as we were being given our next set of directions, one of the mentally unstable actors crossed the boundaries of personal space for an extended amount of time...and just all around being creepy. Then off we led our new set of troops into the woods of the unknown. Mostly it was just dark and hard to see when someone would jump out at us. But that didn't stop our troop from screaming when the guy crawled out from under the bus, causing us to almost kick him. Next we came upon a hanging where we were asked if we would like to volunteer to be next "little girls" and I replied "only if I can call you big poppa" and i'm still not sure if he heard it, but it made us giggle causing our group to respond by saying "why aren't they screaming?" The woods were pretty clear after that, until we got to what appeared to be a random corner of a wall, where a man jumped out and ended up coincidentally sticking his groin right in my perfectly cupped hand. After apologizing profusely for sexually assaulting him, we proceed blindly onto a bridge to a house where they had apparently not paid the utilities. Not only was it smelly, it was very dark and damp. Not to mention, the painters were obviously geographically challenged. The arrows pointing us where we needed to go were backwards, so my other half called out "Which way do we go?" to which a ghoul replied "the opposite way of the arrows." Little did he know the last arrow led to a wall. However, a man in a white coat was quick to show us the correct way, while maintaining his terrifying facade. Upon exiting, we found ourselves faced with a guy who gave us a half-hearted growl (which we scolded him for), and we entered the carnival of birthing. We were ushered into dark, plastic wrapped slide, where we had no idea what we were supposed to do and I got stuck because my burlap sack came out from under me. To reposition myself, I had to situate myself in the birthing position, like I was being examined by the damned vaginacologist! What the hell? So, here I am, squatted on the slide while people are walking up the stairs next to the slide and my other half is flying past me, probably wondering why I'm just sitting in the middle of the slide. And you know what made it worse? After my semi- exam, we were directed into a big top maze where I was assaulted by clowns! My biggest fear, imagine that! Luckily, it didn't take long before me and my fellow leader found our way out. Of course, we were directly pushed through what can only be described as a white, blood stained, birthing canal, full of air and lots of people. It was quite awkward, to say the least.

         Overall, the experience was unforgettable, and we have determined that going again this year is a priority. We may take more people, though. The best part was the factory simply because the layout was better. The actors were much more convincing, other than a few who made unnatural noises that were not so much scary as sexual. One thing I would suggest all haunted houses take into consideration is that your guests probably don't know which way to go. The directions should be pretty clear, or you should have a guide to direct them. Also, having a portion outside, you should consider your guest's safety. There are a lot of tripping hazards in the dark, so make sure you clear it out very well.  We had such a great time, though! It wore us out, so now it is bed time, because we are getting to be old grandmas. The smallest amount of excitement kills our stamina like Raid kills roaches.
                                 

 Happy pooping, all. And to all a good night. 

Happy haunting. MUAHAHAHA!

I Have An Ice Cream In My Pocket...

                             

In life, it is important to set goals for yourself so as not to become bored with life or acquire a melancholy disposition. In setting these goals you should remember to keep them flexible, but you should also make them to your own standards. It is never good to have goals set too low for your own life because then you aren't really achieving anything; however, setting the goals too high can lead to disappointment and pain. Here, I have compiled a list of my other half and my common goals. Hopefully, you will find it not only enlightening, but useful for setting your own goals.

Goal 1: Get a fabulous job.  While professional blogging seems to be a natural choice for us, because we’re so damned good at it, other career paths seem more lucrative considering our master skills. I’m sure we can continue the blog even after we find jobs that cater to our abilities more thoroughly, since you guys just love our blog so much. I mean, we are already at a whopping THREE followers! That is just INCREDIBLE! Keep up the good feedback, friends.  Really, you guys are our life. However, healthcare seems to be more of a common theme in our friendship. Both of us enjoy helping people, and making money. Maybe we will own an institute for psychiatric patients, one day. We can trick it out at Halloween and invite all of the high schools in our area to come tour it…in the dark!

Goal 2: Marry men…separate men. Yes, I do realize that we come off a little strong with our “other half” stuff. And while most men can’t handle women that know exactly what they want in life, we’ve had some luck with the dating scene. There was that one guy that honked his horn at us while we were crossing the street, on a “do not cross” signal. That’s always a good sign, right? We definitely want the men to be separate, unless they are conjoined twins. That would be really interesting. Then my other half would have to take my advice and move in with me and my husband as our “later-to-be nanny”! How exciting! Of course, I did offer her and her S.O. a suite of their own, and that’d be rather difficult to do with a conjoined husband twin. Well, needless to say, we’re still looking. And that brings us to the next goal.

Goal 3: Move out of Mom’s basement. The rent is fantastic here, but we sure would like some privacy. Mom likes to barge in on blogging time with milk and cookies. NOT ACCEPTABLE! A sense of privacy is conducive for an uprising blog (seriously, nearly 400 views in 3 months). Also, we will have the utmost comfort at our new place(s) because we can sit around in our “slumber party attire.” Who wouldn’t want that?

Goal 4: Learn a new language. This is my favorite because, well, I chose it. Learning new phrases in other languages is very important.  One very common phrase I have picked up over the years is “Me tango un gelado en mi bosillo” which, translated, becomes “I have an ice cream in my pocket.” You never know when you might need that one on hand when visiting Mexico. Also, I’d like to learn “where is the lion going” in Hungarian. All kinds of common phrases you might need in other countries would be useful. So maybe this goal is changing as we speak. This goal has now become Learn new phrases in another language. There are plenty of uses for that. Next thing you know, we may find our next career path is interpreting for royal ambassadors visiting the U.S.A. Never know!

Goal 5:  Own a helicopter. If we owned a heli, do you know how easy it would be to get to our goal jobs every day? Well, let me assure you it would be easy; especially if it’s with a hospital. Then we could land on the roof and take the elevator/ hovercraft to our desired floor! Not to mention the travel potential. You know what? Scratch this goal. We want a JET!

Goal 6: Travel to majestic places in our Jet...like New Jersey! No, just kidding. We have a desire deep in our loins to travel this beautiful world. I think the correct term is wanderlust. Like a colon impacted with poop, we are stuffed full of wanderlust. Our dream is to pack up a 60's VW van and travel until our little our hearts are content. Or at least, our bellies are full of new foods.

Goal 7: Have kids. Well, my other half wants to have kids. Not me. Well, I take that back. I will take kids, but for the simple fact that I want to own the world one day and “tengo en mi bosillo.” What better way to achieve this goal of world domination than to have little mini me’s running around? Of course, they’d probably gain my S.O.’s unfaltering good nature. Damn! Ok, so the best reason for each of us to have 10 children, other than having things to do our laundry and cooking FOR us, is that we can have them hang out and become close friends like we are. THEN WE TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!

So as you can see, goals can change in an instant. Goals are tangible, and are only meant to reflect your personal self, not what others expect of you. Of course, you may disagree. That’s the whole point of this blog, though: to show that everyone has a different opinion. This post shows that everyone has different goals. You probably won’t have similar goals to us, like Owning a Jet. What would YOU need a jet for? You’re not going to rule the world, so a simple hatchback will suffice for you.