Behind Closed Doors

Not all women are the same. Some of us possess qualities that others do not, such as sensitivity, style, fragile dispositions, etc. These are all traits that are very relative to the person's general personality. So here, we will be discussing some common myths about women. Though we have no scientific evidence that the following statements are true, we are both women, so our gender trumps all else.

• First myth: Women are never uncouth.This is the least true statement a man could make. Women are just as foul, if not more so, than men. We just have the good sense to save our vile language for behind closed doors. One thing you learn from being a lady is to never express distaste publicly without disguising your words. For example, in the South, a common expression for "That bitch is pathetic" is "Bless her heart." As you can see, the second phrase is a much nicer way to say the former. But when the guards are down, and there are no other women to impress, we simply revert to insulting her in whatever jargon we choose.
• Second myth: Women have sleep overs in their underwear and partake in pillow fights. Now, part of this statement is very true. The sentiment behind it is not. Yes, we do enjoy sitting around in our underwear; however, it is not the way men currently think it is. In fact, it greatly resembles the way men sit around in their underwear. We may not have balls to scratch, but when a woman is lounging around in her undies with her girlfriends, it is not an attractive sight. It is certainly not like the movies, where the girls are clothed in thongs and lacy bras, laying in sexy positions. We usually have old t-shirts on with Homer Simpson on it, and panties with holes in them and period stains on them. As far as the pillow fights, the only time you hit another girl with your pillow is if she tries to snag the last piece of stuffed crust, supreme meat lover pizza, "bless her heart." 
• Third myth: Women don't like to eat a lot in front of men. Actually, if he's offering to pay, she's probably going to milk it til it's dry. Who would forfeit a free dinner?? If she is one of those ladies that doesn't eat a big meal on her man's budget, she probably ate a whole cow before attending the dinner. Or she has a five course meal lined up with five other gentlemen after you. "I'm just going to eat a salad for now," out loud, but in her head, "because I have to save room for my five other dates!" So be weary of these type women; they are the most dangerous to your heart. But women like us, we won't let you down. We'll eat the tastiest burger on the menu, without blinking an eye. And then when you take us home that night, we'll have plenty of time to think of how wonderful the date was because we won't be searching for more sustenance. 
• Fourth myth: Women enjoy wearing makeup. No. We do not. Some women greatly enjoy the process of covering their face up with mud and gook. But those are the deluded salad eaters of the world, who are trying to impress five different men. Most women, we would say, enjoy being appreciated for their natural self. The dark circles and blemishes, hairy legs and toes, no disguises. Because once you appreciate your woman for her natural self, you will learn to recognize the truly rare occasions when she wants to fuck your brains out. She will signal this by adding the correct amount of blush and eyeshadow, shaving her legs and armpits, and even trimming her nose hairs...all for you. She may even add a nice pair of underwear, not the sleepover kind. 
• Fifth myth: All women want relationships. Well, sometimes, we are just like you guys in the fact that we just need a good ole fashioned one night stand. We're not talking about the one night stand that turns into a relationship, nor are we talking about a literal one night stand. Sometimes we just need an hour, and no spending the night. Other times, it may turn into a month of one hours. Unless we SAY that you're in a relationship, it is safe to assume that you are being used for our pleasure. The best way to know if you are being used is if she never mentions marriage. Or children. Or if you don't hear from her unless she wants sex. If you only talk to her during the "heat of the moment," it's safe to say, you are just a fuddy. Needless to say, women do enjoy a gentle cuddle sometimes, so if she asks you to stay the night, don't be frightened. It does not mean you are in a relationship if you spend the night. It just means her a/c works too well. She will probably kick you out after breakfast, the breakfast that she asks you to procure. 
• Sixth myth: All women like to shop. Absolutely not! Going to the store knowing exactly what you want and buying said item does NOT count as shopping. Even that is an unpleasant experience for some. There are, of course, women who enjoy the thrill of being crushed between sweaty bodies, searching for the perfect pair of woolen socks, but not all of us are thrill seekers. Some of us don't even like socks! If your lady is dragging you around the mall, chances are, you are a trophy man. She just wants to show you off to all those other women who are OBVIOUSLY there to notice her, not to do any actual shopping. Most of us prefer to do our shopping from the computer, in the comfort of our period stained panties and Homer Simpson T's, eating a burger next to our fuddy. 

There you have it. Six myths deconstructed for all of you misogynistic, stereotyping people out there. And others. Just remember, if she orders a salad, she's probably cheating on you; when she says she's sitting around in her undies, it's not a pretty sight; and if she doesn't call you unless she wants some booty, you're just a fuddy. Hope you enjoyed our mythbuster session.
To all a good afternoon, and as always, happy pooping! 

The Importance of Lunch Buddies

Sitting at lunch by yourself has always been a pastime of ours. When you're younger, this is perfectly acceptable. You know, there's no shame in it because at age 5, you're not supposed to have a bunch of friends, right? But as you get older, that solitude becomes ever more pressing, eating away at your very soul! It becomes something that you are increasingly ashamed of, because sitting alone at lunch just looks desperate.
In high school, it is a social status. "The loner" is one who associates with no one, reads a lot, is too quiet, and will probably come to the 10 year reunion as a research scientist, telling the world about the wonders of bacterial infections. Of course, who cares about that stuff in high school? No body. Except maybe the people who grow up to be psychologists. Anyways, as you grow even older, you begin to eat out more. Or take your lunch, and eat in the lounge. In these scenarios, having a lunch buddy is very important. You know what people think when they see grown ups eating alone in public? They think, "Boy, I feel sorry for that poor soul. I wonder if I should randomly go join him at his table, keep him company...Nah. Don't want to be a creep." That's what we think, anyways.
So the way to avoid the above scenarios is to search for jobs where people you would associate with would work. Never ask yourself, "What do I want to do with my life?" when searching for careers. Instead, try a different approach, and ask yourself "What kind of people would I like to eat lunch with, daily?" This is a sure way to end up with the perfect job! You'll never be lonely again. You will not only enjoy an hour full of entertainment from your fellow lunch mates, you will also partake in socialization- a common practice among many Western cultures. Another approach is to only apply for jobs with your favorite lunch friend. Like us, for instance. We are both going to apply for a job with the same company, that way, at lunch time, we will never be lonely! Unless, one of us gets sick, or has to go on an impromptu mental vacation. Then, we will have a backup lunch buddy, whom we will pick upon being hired. Now, this is rather tricky. You must find the perfect one as soon as possible after you're accepted into the group. You don't want to be bombarded with other lonely eaters in the cafeteria, so you have to choose wisely. She needs to be a compatible chewer. Otherwise, you have someone who is finished with lunch way before you, and then you have to listen to her chatter for much too long. Unacceptable! So make sure your lunch buddy stand-in has the same eating habits as yourself. Also, she needs to like the same foods as you. Nothing is worse than going out for lunch and having to waste 30 minutes deciding on a restaurant. Point being, choose quickly, but informatively.
Once you get to a certain age, though, lunch buddies become commodities. They come and they go. At early morning breakfast at Jack's is where you will find your long time lunch pals. The few who wake up before 5 a.m. in order to catch the news. Generally, you will not go out for lunch. You have made your big meal of the day as enjoyable as possible with good people, so there is no need to pay for a meal in the middle of the day. Eating lunch at home is more enjoyable because you won't have to listen to the new generation's complaints of how difficult life is; you know life was much more simple when you were younger, and those twerps have nothing to complain about. Who needs friends when you have online bingo, anyways?
As you can see, lunch buddies aren't for every age group; however, they are important. Make sure you have the right person beside you at lunch by taking these quick, simple trinkets of advice. Remember, NEVER lower your standards! If you have to sit next to someone even remotely irritating at lunch, it is your own damn fault! Kick her to the curb when she starts talking about the latest episode of Top Model, because you know that shit's going to get old; you know she's going to be the most judgmental bitch when she notices you packed two Snickers bars for lunch. Also, don't be open minded on this. It's not like picking a puppy. You can't train a good lunch buddy. Find your perfect match because when she pisses on the rug, you can't rub her nose in it. Make sure she isn't one of those girls that has allergies or gets sick a lot, otherwise, you'll miss too much work from being sick. Beware of napkin hogs: the ones that take all the napkins after you got a handful for yourself. And last, but certainly not least, NEVER ever allow your lunch buddy to eat off your plate. This is the biggest no no in the book of lunch buddies. If she even attempts, brand her her with your fork tongs. It will be a constant reminder, and will set you up as the dominant lunch pal. These words we give freely, so take them and use them well.
Good night, and happy eating!

Jimmy Fallon is an ass...and so are we

Have you ever had one of those moments in life where you discover something phenomenal about yourself? Yeah, well, neither have we. Until today. We decided to go eat lunch at a TexMex restaurant, because we had this amazing coupon where you buy a burrito and get one free. Little did we know, our plan was already being thwarted by our mother. Upon walking into the dining room where said coupon was left at an earlier time, we were horrified to discover the coupon was missing! Thrown away like a piece of unwanted trash. And even worse, there was no sympathy from the town folk who managed the restaurant. Apparently, "my mom threw away my coupon" is about as legit as "my dog ate my homework." So of course, we paid full price, unlike the lucky sons of bitches swarming the restaurant having safely held onto their coupon,and thus gaining a free burrito. To make matters worse, we happened upon the subject of our sense of humor. Yes, you might say it is a little dark....and unique as well (AHA HA! Like Hell). But up until this point, we have always thought it was just other people. They don't get us. We were truly hilarious in our own eyes. So what was it about us that people just didn't get? Then, it hit us. Like the spicy burrito will hit our guts, soon....We're not funny. We're the Jimmy Fallons of our community! Laughing at yourself is supposedly a good thing. What they fail to mention is that laughing at your own JOKES is where you start to look like an asshole. So all those times of watching Jimmy on television and feeling so sad for him, knowing that he thinks he is funny, but no one else is laughing, really burst our bubbles. We realized that we had been watching ourselves on television, all along. So we ate about a third of our burrito in silent reverence of the brave Jimmy Fallons of the world! We understand you! Don't fret because others don't think you're hilarious. They matter not! Because you are your biggest fan, and that is all that should matter in this world! DAMN THE MASSES! DAMN THE FEW! And all in between. Those that don't see your humor are just not worthy of your talents. So continue to make awkward jokes, and continue to laugh at them yourself. SO what if you have no friends? You have yourself and the voices in your head.
Now, I must go poo, for the burrito has hit South! To all a good afternoon, and happy pooping!

We're having beans tonight...

Let the gases begin:

Here, let us introduce ourselves. We are two creative souls who found one another at Home Depot. Turns out, we were both there buying plumbing tools. Surprise! Realizing that our goal in life was the same, we determined that being apart was destined to be bad news for the world. So here we are, our minds bursting with useless information about life! At your disposal. Literally, we will talk about anything, so advice is what we have to offer, spilling forth like a volcanic ejaculation!
We have experienced things that no normal person should experience. It happens. Well...no, not to everyone. But we feel that this blog is a place to share our experiences, while offering our readers insight into similar (or not so similar) situations. Sometimes, you will be disgusted; other times, you may find yourself quite amused. However, no matter what happens, just remember we are here for you, to hold your hand along the way, and dry your misty eyes when life seems too surreal to believe.
 To all a good night and happy pooting!