Behind Closed Doors

Not all women are the same. Some of us possess qualities that others do not, such as sensitivity, style, fragile dispositions, etc. These are all traits that are very relative to the person's general personality. So here, we will be discussing some common myths about women. Though we have no scientific evidence that the following statements are true, we are both women, so our gender trumps all else.

• First myth: Women are never uncouth.This is the least true statement a man could make. Women are just as foul, if not more so, than men. We just have the good sense to save our vile language for behind closed doors. One thing you learn from being a lady is to never express distaste publicly without disguising your words. For example, in the South, a common expression for "That bitch is pathetic" is "Bless her heart." As you can see, the second phrase is a much nicer way to say the former. But when the guards are down, and there are no other women to impress, we simply revert to insulting her in whatever jargon we choose.
• Second myth: Women have sleep overs in their underwear and partake in pillow fights. Now, part of this statement is very true. The sentiment behind it is not. Yes, we do enjoy sitting around in our underwear; however, it is not the way men currently think it is. In fact, it greatly resembles the way men sit around in their underwear. We may not have balls to scratch, but when a woman is lounging around in her undies with her girlfriends, it is not an attractive sight. It is certainly not like the movies, where the girls are clothed in thongs and lacy bras, laying in sexy positions. We usually have old t-shirts on with Homer Simpson on it, and panties with holes in them and period stains on them. As far as the pillow fights, the only time you hit another girl with your pillow is if she tries to snag the last piece of stuffed crust, supreme meat lover pizza, "bless her heart." 
• Third myth: Women don't like to eat a lot in front of men. Actually, if he's offering to pay, she's probably going to milk it til it's dry. Who would forfeit a free dinner?? If she is one of those ladies that doesn't eat a big meal on her man's budget, she probably ate a whole cow before attending the dinner. Or she has a five course meal lined up with five other gentlemen after you. "I'm just going to eat a salad for now," out loud, but in her head, "because I have to save room for my five other dates!" So be weary of these type women; they are the most dangerous to your heart. But women like us, we won't let you down. We'll eat the tastiest burger on the menu, without blinking an eye. And then when you take us home that night, we'll have plenty of time to think of how wonderful the date was because we won't be searching for more sustenance. 
• Fourth myth: Women enjoy wearing makeup. No. We do not. Some women greatly enjoy the process of covering their face up with mud and gook. But those are the deluded salad eaters of the world, who are trying to impress five different men. Most women, we would say, enjoy being appreciated for their natural self. The dark circles and blemishes, hairy legs and toes, no disguises. Because once you appreciate your woman for her natural self, you will learn to recognize the truly rare occasions when she wants to fuck your brains out. She will signal this by adding the correct amount of blush and eyeshadow, shaving her legs and armpits, and even trimming her nose hairs...all for you. She may even add a nice pair of underwear, not the sleepover kind. 
• Fifth myth: All women want relationships. Well, sometimes, we are just like you guys in the fact that we just need a good ole fashioned one night stand. We're not talking about the one night stand that turns into a relationship, nor are we talking about a literal one night stand. Sometimes we just need an hour, and no spending the night. Other times, it may turn into a month of one hours. Unless we SAY that you're in a relationship, it is safe to assume that you are being used for our pleasure. The best way to know if you are being used is if she never mentions marriage. Or children. Or if you don't hear from her unless she wants sex. If you only talk to her during the "heat of the moment," it's safe to say, you are just a fuddy. Needless to say, women do enjoy a gentle cuddle sometimes, so if she asks you to stay the night, don't be frightened. It does not mean you are in a relationship if you spend the night. It just means her a/c works too well. She will probably kick you out after breakfast, the breakfast that she asks you to procure. 
• Sixth myth: All women like to shop. Absolutely not! Going to the store knowing exactly what you want and buying said item does NOT count as shopping. Even that is an unpleasant experience for some. There are, of course, women who enjoy the thrill of being crushed between sweaty bodies, searching for the perfect pair of woolen socks, but not all of us are thrill seekers. Some of us don't even like socks! If your lady is dragging you around the mall, chances are, you are a trophy man. She just wants to show you off to all those other women who are OBVIOUSLY there to notice her, not to do any actual shopping. Most of us prefer to do our shopping from the computer, in the comfort of our period stained panties and Homer Simpson T's, eating a burger next to our fuddy. 

There you have it. Six myths deconstructed for all of you misogynistic, stereotyping people out there. And others. Just remember, if she orders a salad, she's probably cheating on you; when she says she's sitting around in her undies, it's not a pretty sight; and if she doesn't call you unless she wants some booty, you're just a fuddy. Hope you enjoyed our mythbuster session.
To all a good afternoon, and as always, happy pooping!