Bearing All

We begin our journey with a single, awesome plan: road trip! Lucky for us, our grandmother has share in a condo in the mountains, and her share was coming up. We promptly claimed the weekend trip with much excitement, so we began honing the plan to every little perfect detail. Our weekend trip to the mountains was going to be superb! Little did we know, some stingy cousins had already put their name on the list. 

When we found out our original plan had been demolished, our hearts sunk in our chests like the Titanic. Our iceberg had been a two hour drive away, and there was no way we could ever have guessed it'd sink our sailing ship. Good news was we were only out a free place to stay. Our next step was finding a hotel (we weren't about to kill off our plans just because we lost our place to stay). This was not an easy feat considering we were only a month from our desired date of arrival.
Seeing that our hotels were limited, our plans began to transform. We were quite lucky, then, to stumble upon a Groupon for a resort that was half priced for a weekend! But there is always a catch, ins't there?   Looking at the availability dates, we quickly realized that our weekend stay would only be half priced for a day. Thus, we began looking into other options. An idea occurred that we could stay one night at the resort and one night in another city of interest. Again, we began looking for hotels; and again, we were limited because of our time frame. At one time, we even discussed sleeping in a tree house with no water or electricity because it was $13 per night. Then, we discussed sleeping in the car, but the necessity of safety was too prominent in our minds.
Our plan became this: buy the Groupon and pay for a cheap motel in the other city, drive up on Friday night, and enjoy all the many attractions of the mountains. But of course this plan also changed when both of us began to worry about money. Money changes everything. From this, our plan morphed into a weekend stay in the mountains in the city we planned to get the cheap motel; however, we decided since we would save on gas here, we would splurge on a very nice hotel for two nights (no bed bugs or mole mentioned in the reviews). While our hotel was considerably more expensive than our original plan, it worked out that we'd actually save money! Now our plan was truly perfect (minus the free lodging...so, technically not perfect, but fabulous).
As you can see, when you plan for a road trip, you need to keep an open mind. Things will constantly change because that is just how life works. But often, it works out for the best. Now we have a wonderful plan to spend our best friend honeymoon in the mountains, looking at waterfalls, nature, and other shit that makes you feel cozy. We might even go see some animals trapped in cages because we like zoos. It's all part of keeping our minds opened. Just remember, your original plan is not going to be the plan you end up with. Hope our experience is helpful in alleviating those pre-travel anxieties. As always, happy pooping! :)

To Become Undesirable

Today is a good day to talk about ways to be awkward. Since we are the queens of awkward, we are your perfect professors for this topic. Not only do we have 20+ years of being awkward under our belt, our greatest strength is in the art of deterring people. So for this post, we will discuss how to make people avoid you.

Step 1: Start spouting off random facts about yourself. No one loves listening to someone talk about him/herself more than is asked for. It will leave them no room to make a conversation, causing them to quickly abort the mission of talking to you.

Step 2: To be even more awkward, give them a half scared half ecstatic face. It will make you seem maniacal and desperate to the other person- like you have been waiting too long to talk to someone, and will probably  invade his/her personal space. That’s a big no-no. People that like small talk want to know that their conversations are going nowhere, especially physically.

Step 3: Just don’t reply. Once you have been handed the ball in the conversation, keep it.  Hold it like a precious stone, and pass it with excruciating pain like a gall stone. The other person will be forced to act on your silence by either passing up the conversation for other interesting people or come up with new material. Just maintain your silence, no matter what.

Step 4: Start ranting about something you aren’t really passionate about…that no one is really passionate about. Like why grass is considered green when there are most obviously other colors of grass, not to mention different shades of green that should be recognized. Or why dust mites are called dust mites when they aren’t even made of dust.

Step 5: Pretend you are an exotic animal, recreating noises and faces to match your persona. If you are an albino crocodile, latch onto your speaker’s finger when he is making hand motions to go along with his words.  His screams of pain will confirm that you have done well of making things awkward.

Step 6: Turn in circles. When you get sufficiently dizzy, don’t hesitate to throw up or lay down on the floor at the speaker’s feet. Likely, while you are spinning, the speaker will swiftly end all communication with you…for long term, reaching the desired effect.

Step 7: Don’t stop moving your eyes and blink rapidly. The speaker will probably be distracted by your behavior, rendering him/her speechless. You will look like you are in deep thought about something unrelated, which will deter further conversation.

Step 8: Cough or sneeze every two or three words your speaker says. It’s almost as annoying as being talked over. Seriously, try it. If you don’t want him/her to talk to you long, just interrupt every few words of his/her speech and he/she will eventually just stop talking altogether.

Step 9: Move your mouth as if you are a cow chewing cud when you are not talking. If you want to make it really awkward, do it when you ARE talking. Then when the companion asks you to repeat your statement, just mumble gibberish or splice words together so that it is completely incomprehensible. Eventually, he/she will give up and walk away exasperated.

Step 10: Wave your arms wildly and raise your voice at odd intervals when you are speaking. Your companion will be so afraid of being hit by your flailing arms (you might even consider smacking him/her a time or two) and disturbed by your tone, that he/she will get away from conversing with you as quickly as possible.

That concludes our steps on how to make people avoid you. If you have had any experiences that you would like to share, or maybe you try some of these ideas, please let us know through comments or messages. We appreciate all the views and love! You guys are great viewers. Hope you enjoy this post.

Til next time,

Happy pooping!

We just really liked this picture.

What Turns Women On - Rated X

     As I was discussing orgasms with my other half today, I realized that it may be helpful to men,and maybe some women, to know what REALLY turns a woman on. My list will almost guarantee that she will explOde (you notice what I did there? I emphasized the "O". Hehe) around you. As a disclaimer, I am no sex expert, but as a woman I know what it takes to turn a us into a puddle of sexy soup.

• Bringing the heat- As history has shown through movies and advice from other columns, it's supposedly super romantic to fill the room with candles while you woo your woman to her brink.  In all honestly though, that is really dangerous and all a woman will think about is whether or not a candle with light her $200 curtains on fire. Instead of putting both of your lives at risk, try this little move. About five minutes before go time, toss her undies into the dryer until they are really warm. This will give her the heat she's looking for and it's also incredibly arousing to a woman to have that warmth near her lady cave.

• Diamonds are a girl's best friend- Sometimes all a girl wants is a pretty, shiny object given to her by her man. Contrary to popular beliefs, diamonds aren't always what she vying for. Alternatively, she may want a chrome dildo. You heard me right. Nothing is more exciting than a little friend who is cold, hard, and shiny. Just the words "chrome dildo" is enough to throw her over the edge. This gift would also be paired wonderfully with warm panties.

• Whoa! Take it easy, tiger...Or maybe harder- Some men think that all a woman wants is a romantic evening of sweet and sensual love making. This is not always the case. Actually, I do believe that most women would contest that this is not the case most of the time. Sometimes we just want a good, rough fuck! We want to be thrown against a wall (bed, table, counter, shower, car, elevator...hell, as long as we won't fall to our death any place will do) and pleasured in ways that would make E.L. James blush. 

• Oh, what beautiful eyes you have- If you haven't noticed, men love our candy mountains of pleasure. I know, that's news to me too. But what is the sexiest part of a man? His forearms. A mans forearms is as sexy to us as our cleavage is to a man. It's actually been proven...by real life Scientist, Psychologists, and Anthropologists. Forearms show a man's strength. So, show off those forearms and if you want to really amp it up, get a sexy tattoo. Of course, that's dependent on whether you have nice arms. Flabby arms or super skinny arms are like mosquito bite tits

• Sorry, I can't come to the fish fry. I'm tied up tonight- I think this topic is the most misconstrued of them all. All women have a BDSM side. Most women won't admit because it is considered taboo due to their culture or religion. I promise you, it's there and if you're around long enough it will eventually come out in the relationship in one way or another. Every woman dreams of being able to take control in the bedroom or BE taken control of by a man. It's so damn sexy! This feeling actually goes back to the caveman days. Now, your lady friend may not be as over the top as others, but little actions will show that she deep down wants to be handcuffed to a post and pleasured until she has earth shattering orgasms...and yes, I pluralized orgasm. 

• Will you be my Barry White?- I once dated this guy who's voice was so low I felt like I was dating Rocky Balboa. It was so hot! I could listen to him talk all day long because it literally set my loins on fire. A deep voice is so carnal and delicious. If you have a high pitched voice you may want to look into getting a voice box or one of those Darth Vader helmets...because who doesn't want to go to bed with a James Earl Jones sound-alike? Next time you are trying to coerce your lady into having warm panty, chrome dildoing, role-playing, forearm lusting, rough sex, channel your inner Barry White and enjoy the ride.

     

The Faces Of Being Human

     

     How does one react in the face of pure hatred? If you are cornered by a person so full of malice they've become subhuman because of your beliefs, lifestyle, or any number of personal choices, how do you protect yourself? It is not simply shown through words or looks; sometimes the disdain is shown in physical violence. How do you fend for yourself when someone has been brought up believing that you are not even human, yourself?

      A prime example of this is hate crime. A young man, bleeding from being beaten within inches of his life, takes in the coolness of the asphalt as relief from the swollen bruises on his broken face and ribs and hopes the group doesn't come back for more. All he wanted was to enjoy an evening with his partner: a nice restaurant, movie, and maybe a kiss. If only he’d left a little bit earlier, he wouldn't have run into the group of guys waiting outside the club for an unsuspecting victim.

     In what world is it right to abuse someone for their personal behavior? An innocent person, while practicing taboo sexual practices, is not guilty of anything more than what he does in his own bedroom. Sure, he seems abnormal to the group of masculine, meat-heads that perpetrated the action of breaking his every bone. But he is no less human than the child whose disturbed father comes to him at night for pleasure. In fact, this may very well be the cause of such “sexual deviance” in many cases. However, regardless of his sexual preference, he is not some THING to be taught a lesson through thrown punches and fatal kicks. He is a human being, capable of love and compassion, unlike the perverted members of the group that caused him physical harm based on his personal choices.

     We believe with every fiber of my being that hate crime is wrong; hatred turns good people into beasts. When a person acts out because of some deep-seated hatred of a lifestyle choice, religion, culture, race, etc., that person instantly loses his/her human rights. The law should take less time worrying about why the victim was attacked, and more time hunting down the pack of low life crap that has the nerve to torture another human being. We have seen this sort of thing in Civil Rights movements and even in the Holocaust. Why don’t we do something to defend people? Do you know, in the Bible, God had to spread everyone out because we were working together TOO WELL? The reason we have different races and languages is because if we all spoke the same language, we would all be working together to obtain supreme power. Ha! So why not take some time to get to know your brothers and sisters in humanity, rather than hating them for something you don’t agree with. Christians are taught to “hate the sin, love the sinner.” Basically, from what we understand, this means that you don’t have to partake or even approve of the choices others make; instead, make an example of how you think he/she should live by showing that person love and compassion. It is much more complicated than that, we're sure, but for all intents and purposes, it sounds more manageable. So, maybe next time you see a behavior you don’t like, maybe a beggar on the street, don’t be hateful towards the person. Rather, figure out what would motivate this person to change: in the beggar’s case, you could offer him/her some PB and bread instead of money. 

     Well, that is all we have to say about that.

Happy pooping, friends. Hope you have a great day!