Thursday, September 6, 2012

The Closer Than Close Friendship

  You know that friend that you have done so much stupid stuff with, you just can't imagine not being friends with her/him? Well, we have a story that trumps all stupid stories, ever. I'm pretty sure this constitutes as a crime it was so stupid. The beginning of this post will be slightly scary, so bear with us. At the end, we will give you a shot of "feel good" juice.
   The first year that we met, we became very close friends; but not in the usual sense. We didn't bond over simple things like barbie dolls and cute shoes. NO, we were forced together through a series of events that took place over a single evening in our lives. So, New Year's Eve rolled around. This is a big holiday for college students. It gives them the necessary means to party, including friends with alcohol. There were two parties we were invited to, by two totally different types of people. We had no way of knowing what lay ahead.
   The first party was a typical family type party, where the strongest drink available was Pinot Grigio...which we were banned from touching due to events at a party a few months earlier that provided uncomfortable snuggle partners and the mocking of a porcelain Santa ornament as we passed out. Besides, we were planning on driving an hour to drop in at the second party, that would later bring us closer than ever imagined. The games at the first party were easy going, but the girls were in "bitch" mode (presumably because their boyfriends found us more interesting), so we ended up leaving earlier than planned. But not before we consumed some delicious chili and chicken sandwiches.
   On our way to the second party, we partook in some exciting road trip music and dancing. And of course, we made road trip videos to catalog our trip, after all this was a memorable night. Not before calling our mom, who told us "don't do anything stupid...like drinking and driving." Once more, we were on the road again! We saw several cop cars interspersed; we even passed through a road block. The cop did not seem too concerned as to why two college kids were driving an hour away from the address listed on my driver's license. Nothing suspicious about that at all.
   We arrived at the second party, unscathed, and beer-less. The host was very generous, though considering our lack of bearing any fun juice. As soon as we walked in, she asked if she could make us a mixed vodka drink. We were obliged to accept, since we were planning on staying overnight, as per Mom's instructions. Once we got the first drink in our systems, we braved the party-goers and the rest of the night came easily. An invitation was extended to us to participate in a friendly game of beer pong. I remember drinking most of the beers due to my other half beating the shit out of me, but I could be wrong. After the first round, I was in desperate need of a sit down, and so was my other half.
   I decided to step outside for some fresh air, and also down some cancer sticks with friends. We sat on the porch swing and watched more and more drunk people pour in...all of this as the beer pong went to our head. My other half clumsily joined us on the porch to express her love for anything that was in sight. There were words exchanged with several guys, and a second round of drinks were brought to us on the porch. Nothing was unusual. However, when we went back inside approximately an hour later, things were getting very hazy. The last thing I remember was watching an exciting game of waterfall, when suddenly, I was being lifted off the couch. I puked vodka and orange soda all down the front of the host's outfit. Needless, to say she was not happy. She left me in her cousin's care; he washed me up and got me in some extra clothes he had at the house, then laid me on a mattress in the guest bedroom. My other half soon followed with the assistance of a few men. We were both in and out of what we were later told was called alcohol black outs.
    The next morning, we were awakened by glaring sunlight coming from a window behind our heads. We looked at each other in horror over the host's cousin's head, who had apparently fallen asleep between us. You know how people joke about finding their child has pooped on the walls, and they are struck with terror as they look along every surface of the bathroom to find feces? Well, we had a similar reaction as we discovered there was chunks of chili colored throw up on the walls around the bed, as well as on the carpet. Imagine Linda Blair...times ten. Very disgusting I know. Also, turns out there was not just one guy in the bed, there were two! And not the attractive kind, but the kind you would rather chew your arm off rather than wake them. We had fit four people in a full size bed. Due to the crowded bed, my poor other half awoke to find her body pressed against this puke covered wall.
   We got up and put clothes on; then, we proceeded to the bathroom for a short clean up before making our exit. However, as we crossed the hallway to the bathroom, we realized it would be impossible to make our escape without the host knowing. We got cleaned up and went to the living room where the host was cleaning up other people's mess. She gave us a brief description of what happened during our blackout:
   Apparently, what happened was we were laid on the guest mattress and given a throw up can...but not before my other half fought the people dragging us to the bedroom, causing her to break a glass coffee table and rip a socket out of the wall with her leg (yes, the leg was cut up pretty badly). After we were put in cleanish clothes and laid in bed, our help left. When someone returned to check on us, we had thrown up all over the bed, and were basically rolling around in chili vomit. Remember, we are blacked out, so we have no idea what is going on. The next time the help returns, we have a male in the bed, passed out next to us, and I am using him as a body pillow. The guest mattress being the only other bed in a quiet room left, the help gets in the bed too. That night, we ended up ruining a living room area rug, a glass coffee table, a power outlet, a bathroom rug, and several pairs of clothes, plus the sheets we slept on. Needless to say, we tried to help out with some of the cleaning, but we were pretty much useless because we were feeling very drugged.
    I'd like to pose the question that we have had for some time about this party. Now, we didn't really drink that much compared to what we had drank before, so why did we feel so drunk so quickly? There were several party-goers there with drugs on them, though the host denies it. We have a strong feeling that we were drugged at some point during the night. But to make matters easier to live with, we will just say we got wasted. 
 

Why Do You Need These?


A list of products that don't make sense...
 

 I chose this image, especially, because it adequately summarizes the real purpose behind the shake weight. A man must have designed this for amusement purposes. Ok, so I understand wanting to tone up that excess arm flab. That's totally legit. However, why go spend $20 on a product that you can get for free? If you haven't picked up on my meaning, I'll lay it out there for you. The Shake Weight is probably the most R rated product I have ever seen. It looks like you are practicing for a career in hand jobs. Please, if you buy a Shake Weight, don't do what this poor woman has done; just stay behind closed doors, and save your pride, ladies and gentlemen.



This just seems desperate. Who on Earth is going to see you with this towel wrapped around your midsection? I suppose if you are at the gym showers, or prison. Somehow, I fail to see the likelihood of your gym pals thinking, "Gosh, that guy sure is hilarious!" More likely, they will think "that's probably the only action that guy is getting. PAHAHAHAHA!!"



Well, ladies, I just don't think this one deserves much of an explanation. Whoever came up with this is obviously not getting laid. Wearing a thong is supposed to be about sex appeal, so if you are wearing a diaper along with that sexy black lace piece of string, you should go ahead and forget about the date you have lined up for that night. As if pads weren't uncomfortable enough, this product makes them even more uncomfortable by placing them on the one piece of underwear that is known to cause massive wedgies, internationally....Take that Mother Nature. Seriously, just wear a damn tampon, and stop with the madness!


This woman is obviously practicing her camouflage skills. Perhaps for the Hunger Games? Zebra stripes do not make you look mysterious. Rather, you look like you are preparing for a jungle safari. No, but really. When did it ever become so difficult to put on eye shadow that women needed fake tattoos to feel beautiful? If you are going to choose to purchase these ungodly lazy products, please keep it in a natural hue. I'm willing to bet that getting those stickers on just perfectly takes a lot of trial and error...error that I, for one, am not willing to make.




Check out how EASILY this thing cracks that egg. As if it was so difficult to crack an egg. Please. If you don't know how to crack an egg without this device, you shouldn't be cooking. Think about all the time you would waste getting the egg into that...that...contraption! It looks like a torture device!


This is one of my favorite useless products. I saw them for the first time on Jack Nicholson in "The Bucket List." You can read while laying flat! Not like it was impossible to do that before these glasses were invented. Maybe these are for paralysis patients? Her posture looks very uncomfortable. I can't imagine reading laying down would be any more comfortable than propping yourself up on some fluffy pillows. You know, they invented a pillow just for that? The study buddy...truly an ingenious invention.



This looks very uncomfortable for the animal, does it not? Just imagine how you would feel if a plastic bag was tied to your anus. While it does seem infinitely better than having to pick up wet dog poop with a plastic bag and your hand, I can't see the appeal of having to walk my dog with a plastic bag tied to his butt. Must be humiliating for both parties. It sort of looks like an accident waiting to happen, anyways. I have to wonder if removing the bag after fill up is as easy as they make it sound. 

  
 I threw this in the mix just for shits and giggles. It must be the male version of the Shake Weight. Really...just look at the guy on the left's concentration! He is VERY motivated. ;)


This is for you big busted men and women. For a peaceful night's sleep, you just place this bad boy directly between your cleavage. Imagine, if you will, you are laying next to your loved one, preparing for a restful sleep with your titty buddy in place. What a lovely picture. If the shape wasn't bad enough, I'm sure the pinching from the plastic will surely get you down. As a well endowed woman, I can ensure you that sleeping on your side is not as painful as having a plastic cylindrical object between your boobs.

Baby Snuggie

 This one tops the cake, surely. That baby definitely DOES NOT look like he/she is suffocating. Mom's snuggie fits snugly around baby's head, providing both mother and child a warm surrounding. This is the perfect product for taking walks on crisp winter mornings, allowing Mom to take her baby with her everywhere: the park, the grocery store, the mall, the strip club, ice fishing, everywhere! Just look how happy your baby will be. :)

      
       Ok, that sums this blog up, for now. If you have seen interesting, unusual, lazy, ridiculous products, please share them with us! We'd love to give you some commentary. I do want to apologize if this blog offended any one. It was not intended to be offensive, only humorous. Please, keep an open mind when reading. Leave us some commentary, if you please! :) We appreciate our readers. Keep it real, and always happy pooping. 

Wednesday, September 5, 2012

Swallow This Diction

           Lilly is an eccentric word person. She enjoys the taste on her tongue when certain words are issued between open mouths by pressing the tongue to the roof of the mouth and expelled from moistened lips. Word choice is everything when writing. The way to create an interesting sentence is by choosing words that feel right. Using placeholder words too often can create a journalistic feel, but using unnecessarily loaded words creates an arrogant tone.Tonight we give you an alphabetical list of words that are not used frequently but sound absolutely delicious.
  1. Anomy- Alienation and purposelessness experienced by a person or a class as a result of a lack of standards, values, or ideals
  2. Ballyhoo- Sensational or clamorous advertising or publicity
  3. Creatress- She who creates
  4. Deosculate- To kiss affectionately or warmly
  5. Efflorescence- A bursting forth or flowering (but pathologically, a rash or eruption on the skin)
  6. Fatiloquence- Telling of the future; soothsaying
  7. Gyration- Circular or spiral motion
  8. Humdinger- One that is extraordinary or remarkable
  9. Iconodulist- A person who worships images
  10. Jingoism-  Extreme nationalism characterized especially by a belligerent foreign policy; chauvinistic patriotism
  11. Kenesis- Movement or activity of an organism in response to a stimulus such as light
  12. Lecherous- Given to excessive indulgence in sexual activity
  13. Moiety-  A share or portion
  14. Nascence- A coming into being; birth
  15. Opulence- Great abundance; wealth, affluence
  16. Primordial- Being or happening first in sequence of time; original
  17. Quirk- A peculiarity of behavior; an idiosyncrasy
  18. Rhapsodic-  Immoderately impassioned or enthusiastic; ecstatic
  19. Sapid- Pleasing to the mind; engaging
  20. Titillate- To stimulate by touching lightly; tickle
  21. Undulation- A regular rising and falling or movement to alternating sides; movement in waves
  22. Vulpine- Cunning; clever
  23. Wanderlust- A very strong or irresistible impulse to travel
  24. Xyster- A surgical instrument for scraping bones
  25. Yearn-  To have a strong, often melancholy desire
  26. Zeal-  The fervor or tireless devotion for a person, cause, or ideal and determination in its furtherance
And that concludes the sensuous list of words A through Z. Some were more difficult to find a climatic word, so please forgive the lack of drool stimulus. Hope you find a way to use these succulent words in every day happenings, just to feel them roll off your acquisitive tongues. Feel free to leave some of your own words as comments. :) Happy pooping, all. 

Monday, September 3, 2012

True Love...

It seems that every teenager around the world has the SAME idea of what true love is. I recently read a tweet regarding true love: "True love is when you shed a tear and still want him when that tear hits the ground" @damnitstrue. May I please just call bull shit on this one? I mean, seriously. Your love is based on the power of a single tear? Idiots. While I do agree that true love requires commitment, I fail to see the love in shedding a tear. Maybe if he is comforting you during a sad time...I don't know. I just fail to see the connection in true love and tears. Let's start off with my view of true love.
True love to me involves devotion to one another. It requires commitment in more meaningful ways than a single tear could account for. When one partner has lost sight of why he/she fell in love in the first place, the other must remind him/her by being supportive but firm. Ladies, if your man is saying you are fat and he wants a divorce...maybe you shed a tear, but you still want him. The sign of true love, though, is saying "well, you ain't exactly the icing on the cake, yourself. Maybe we can start working out together and see who is sexiest, then." It will give you something to bond over, and allow you to remember the team work involved in a functioning marriage. If your man says "I can't take this anymore," you ask "So you think you can take it with some other woman?" The goal is to make him realize he'll have to learn another woman's habits and live with her flaws just like he has with you. The best sign of true love, in my opinion, is just realizing that neither of you is perfect. Actually, it has been proven that everyone has his/her flaws. The goal in finding true love is to find someone who best compliments your own flaws. For instance, I found a guy who completes me by being understanding and patient...neither are qualities that I possess. Also, ladies, if you have low self esteem, don't go for the guys with the perfect bodies. Look for the nerdy guys who are desperate to find a great woman, not someone who looks like a super model and acts like the perfect house wife. Basically, don't set yourself up to fail. True love is about making sacrifices, also. Sometimes, your significant other may be the very person that provokes change in your lifestyle. Don't take this out of context. I am not saying in any way that you should search for someone that changes who you are. Rather, search for someone who makes you want to be a better person. It is one thing if he wants you to be a homemaker when you are obviously an independent, working woman; it is quite another if when you are with him, you feel like you need to quit smoking, or maybe be more understanding (as is my case). Sacrifice does not mean that you should give up your social life, but maybe change the amount of social life or type of social life. Don't put your guy in uncomfortable situations, but don't accept someone who doesn't fit your lifestyle at all. For example, if you are a very social person, and you enjoy going to big parties, don't settle for a guy who is overly shy or introverted. This seems like a great way to end your relationship quickly. True love is about being similar but completely different all at once. True love is about recognizing your differences and learning to cope with them appropriately. True love is about working things out when you know with others, you would just rather end things. But most importantly is recognizing the fact that you are a flawed human being, and knowing that your partner's flaws were something you decided you could live with.
Now, let's go back to the teenage fallacy of true love. True love is not about tears. True love is about sweat and perseverance. True love is not about who you want to have sex with...because for teens, that is just about everyone. Teenagers are scientifically proven to have a higher sex drive these days, so anything they write about true love should immediately be discounted to hormones and testosterone. Just use common sense when dealing with love. A tear drop is no way to measure love, in my opinion. Not everyone is the same, though, so it is important not to make generalizations. Therefore, do not take this blog as truth, just personal insight. However, I think it is safe to say that trusting teens' love quotes is a bad idea. haha! Anyways, that is all I have to say 'bout that.
Thank you for reading, and feel free to leave a comment.
Happy pooping! :)
Stay inappropriate.

Friday, August 31, 2012

Let's Talk Animals...

There is a plethora of funny animal pictures on the internet, these days. You know what my favorite activity is? When I get bored and no one wants to entertain me, I turn to Google. I search "funny animal pictures without captions" (and of course Google gives me pictures WITH captions, but that's a different topic altogether), and I sit for hours laughing at the hilarious narrations in my head. So today, I think I will give you a taste of what goes on in my head when I see these awesome pictures! 
http://thechive.files.wordpress.com/2009/03/a-cute-funny-animal-pictures-7.jpg
"You mean...I'm not a mermaid?? *sniffle* Take the cake away! I don't even want it."
"Oh mah gaaahd, Marty! I can't feel mah lips....where are they?!"
And here is an example of what Google gives me when I add "without captions." Silly Google :D
Now, let's discuss the different type of people in the world:
The Overachiever
"She said go get the ball...I found three others on the way."

The Underachiever:
We all know the type...the ones that sit on the computer all day and surf the web for funny animal pictures, but they can't even come up with an original caption! Case in point.
The Wealthy:
Takes everything in excess.
 "Oh, yes, this is very good water you have in your village....Oh, this is the supply you use for the starving children's soup kitchen? My bad."
The Romantic:
The one that makes everyone else want to upchuck.
"Barry, I can't hold on much longer." "*whispers* Quiet!...My love, you are the most beautiful girl...you are a girl, right? Yes, good. A hamster could ask for! I want to gaze into your beady black eyes for the rest of my life...until we procreate and I find a new hamster woman. I love you so much!" "Oh, Barry! That's the sweetest thing anyone's ever said to me."
The Overly Religious:
"Dear LORD, I pray for the world right now with all the sinners! I ask for your forgiveness. I splurged on a pair of $10 sunglasses yesterday, and we all know gluttony is a sin. Also, I looked upon half naked pictures of Jeff Gordon last night, and I desired...I lusted for his body. Please have mercy on my soul!"
The Insane:
"Can I touch your ear with my tongue so I can taste your deepest thoughts?"


Ok, back to funny narrations! (Sorry, I ran out of people ideas, but I'll take suggestions in the forms of comments.)
"Hey, buddy. This is a zoo, not a photo shoot. Five pictures is plenty for the family vacation album. Geez, some people."

 



"Sir, Sir? Excuse me, sir? Could you let go of my face...you're hurting my nose."

 
Well, that concludes the funny animal narrations blog, for now. There will be more, I'm sure. Any ideas are welcome. :) We appreciate you reading our blog. Feel free to show some love...anytime...
Happy pooping! And remember, animals will always be funny, if you make them say funny things.

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Blossoming Under Ice

Ladies, we know how evil other women can be; not you, of course. Why are women so mean to one another? Really, this is an age old question. And every time I read a post about this subject, the answer is always the same. Everyone says "she's just jealous," but why would you assume that she's being mean because she is jealous? Maybe all women just have a problem with other women. Maybe it is a biological phenomenon. What if there is a hormone excreted every time you are around another woman that sends a shot of "straight bitch" through her veins? We don't actually have proof of this, but let's ponder the subject here. Keep an open mind.
While it may not be an actual hormone reaction, it may very well be how we are raised. Every woman knows that our goal in life is to find the perfect mate. This holds for all sexual orientations, just the connotation will differ. So you have millions of women going for thousands of men, or fewer women going for an even smaller amount of eligible women, right? Maybe our brains are trained to fight for the best significant other possible. Perhaps the reason we put other women down...I mean, the reason other women put you down is the fact that they are trying to lift themselves up to get the best partner. In a sense, this is jealousy at its most fundamental state, but it is not what many people consider a jealous woman. For instance, many people will tell you that if a girl calls you ugly, it's because she wishes she looked like you. The hypothesis we are presenting here is that she just wants others (mainly her partner in the cross-hairs) to find her prettier than you.
It is highly plausible that this hypothesis is accurate. For ages women have been playing this cat and mouse game where they treat the competition like animals. The presented hypothesis is based on the fact that most women grow up wanting children (or something to take care of). It is a scientific fact that men (that are attracted to women) are attracted to certain shaped women because it is a sign of childbearing ability; similarly, women want the best partner for child rearing. Instead of a "pissing contest," this display of feminine culture is a "bitch" fest. Putting others down is a woman's way of raising herself up... Darwin's survival of the fittest by fluffing the feathers. It is in essence, a mating ritual, in our opinion.
Thank you for reading our blog and don't be afraid to comment or follow us...trust us, we're flattered by your stalker tendencies.
Happy pooping. :) 

Sunday, August 5, 2012

Why Wal Mart is A Successful Monopoly

Lately, many Americans have been feeling the pressure of rising costs on items such as gas, groceries, water, and decorative pillows. Items that one cannot do without have become increasingly unreachable as our economy goes along it's roller coaster path to depression. Now the question becomes, "where can we obtain these essentials for less?"
Wal mart's slogan has always been about saving us money, but how do they do it? Well if you consider other providers of items such as decorative pillows, you will notice that the items are less elaborate. What Wal Mart does is take out that middle step, completely. Even that extra two feet of thread increases the price of a decorative pillow a whopping five times! So for Anthropologie's $250 five palms pillow, Wal Mart has someone take out the silly tree design, and gives you a plain white pillow for under $20! Wow! And you know what is best about that plain, simple white pillow? You can afford to buy the materials to create your own design and paste it onto the pillow. Boom! That's what I call Saving money. Living happy.
Another popular commodity is the doormat. Now, for something that only serves to collect mud from the bottom of one's dirty sneakers, these little buggers cost quite a bit. At Bed, Bath, and Beyond, the $35 basket weave welcome mat may look super inviting. It may even trick you into buying it with it's promise of cleaner floors and shoes. But believe me when I say Wal Mart offers you the same rug for a full $5 less. Can't beat that price!
What about on the gasoline front? Well, Wal Mart offers their customers the 10 cents- a- gallon savings at participating gas stations. What a deal! That's like saving $2 dollars at the pump every time you fill up. And you know what you can spend that $2 on? A new decorative pillow! At Wal Mart.
Now consider your grocery bill. Say you are married with 2 kids. Well, at some grocery stores, even the store brand is more expensive than some of the name brand products. For those of you that shop at stores like this, you should definitely consider buying from Wal Mart. They claim to have locally grown fruit and veggies. Of course, by local, they probably mean within this great country. I know one thing for sure, the Great Value brand of Kool-Aid is about 12 cents cheaper. And Ramen noodles are even cheaper when bought from Wally World. Seriously, think of all the money you can save by shopping at Wal Mart.
Not to mention, there is one conveniently located in most cities. If there isn't one in your city, you should write the Wal Mart corporation, and see how fast they stick one of those Wal Mart Marketplaces in the middle of your peaceful suburban area. Watch the streets crowd with cars on Saturdays as people hurry in to catch some of those promised Low prices. Always. It's such a beautiful sight. And people wonder why Wal Mart is so successful. Well, not us! We shop strictly at our favorite local super center. This concludes our session on Wal Mart's monopoly on the finer items in life.
Happy pooping.