Sitting at lunch by yourself has always been a pastime of ours. When you're younger, this is perfectly acceptable. You know, there's no shame in it because at age 5, you're not supposed to have a bunch of friends, right? But as you get older, that solitude becomes ever more pressing, eating away at your very soul! It becomes something that you are increasingly ashamed of, because sitting alone at lunch just looks desperate.
In high school, it is a social status. "The loner" is one who associates with no one, reads a lot, is too quiet, and will probably come to the 10 year reunion as a research scientist, telling the world about the wonders of bacterial infections. Of course, who cares about that stuff in high school? No body. Except maybe the people who grow up to be psychologists. Anyways, as you grow even older, you begin to eat out more. Or take your lunch, and eat in the lounge. In these scenarios, having a lunch buddy is very important. You know what people think when they see grown ups eating alone in public? They think, "Boy, I feel sorry for that poor soul. I wonder if I should randomly go join him at his table, keep him company...Nah. Don't want to be a creep." That's what we think, anyways.
So the way to avoid the above scenarios is to search for jobs where people you would associate with would work. Never ask yourself, "What do I want to do with my life?" when searching for careers. Instead, try a different approach, and ask yourself "What kind of people would I like to eat lunch with, daily?" This is a sure way to end up with the perfect job! You'll never be lonely again. You will not only enjoy an hour full of entertainment from your fellow lunch mates, you will also partake in socialization- a common practice among many Western cultures. Another approach is to only apply for jobs with your favorite lunch friend. Like us, for instance. We are both going to apply for a job with the same company, that way, at lunch time, we will never be lonely! Unless, one of us gets sick, or has to go on an impromptu mental vacation. Then, we will have a backup lunch buddy, whom we will pick upon being hired. Now, this is rather tricky. You must find the perfect one as soon as possible after you're accepted into the group. You don't want to be bombarded with other lonely eaters in the cafeteria, so you have to choose wisely. She needs to be a compatible chewer. Otherwise, you have someone who is finished with lunch way before you, and then you have to listen to her chatter for much too long. Unacceptable! So make sure your lunch buddy stand-in has the same eating habits as yourself. Also, she needs to like the same foods as you. Nothing is worse than going out for lunch and having to waste 30 minutes deciding on a restaurant. Point being, choose quickly, but informatively.
Once you get to a certain age, though, lunch buddies become commodities. They come and they go. At early morning breakfast at Jack's is where you will find your long time lunch pals. The few who wake up before 5 a.m. in order to catch the news. Generally, you will not go out for lunch. You have made your big meal of the day as enjoyable as possible with good people, so there is no need to pay for a meal in the middle of the day. Eating lunch at home is more enjoyable because you won't have to listen to the new generation's complaints of how difficult life is; you know life was much more simple when you were younger, and those twerps have nothing to complain about. Who needs friends when you have online bingo, anyways?
As you can see, lunch buddies aren't for every age group; however, they are important. Make sure you have the right person beside you at lunch by taking these quick, simple trinkets of advice. Remember, NEVER lower your standards! If you have to sit next to someone even remotely irritating at lunch, it is your own damn fault! Kick her to the curb when she starts talking about the latest episode of Top Model, because you know that shit's going to get old; you know she's going to be the most judgmental bitch when she notices you packed two Snickers bars for lunch. Also, don't be open minded on this. It's not like picking a puppy. You can't train a good lunch buddy. Find your perfect match because when she pisses on the rug, you can't rub her nose in it. Make sure she isn't one of those girls that has allergies or gets sick a lot, otherwise, you'll miss too much work from being sick. Beware of napkin hogs: the ones that take all the napkins after you got a handful for yourself. And last, but certainly not least, NEVER ever allow your lunch buddy to eat off your plate. This is the biggest no no in the book of lunch buddies. If she even attempts, brand her her with your fork tongs. It will be a constant reminder, and will set you up as the dominant lunch pal. These words we give freely, so take them and use them well.
Good night, and happy eating!
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