Lessons On Birth

We're having a baby, today.
The mother is a dear friend of mine, who had a rough childhood, with a former prosititute for a mother and a pervert for a father. It was no surprise when we found out she got pregnant by hooking up with a high school interest---though, we thought she was gay, so a bit of a surprise there.
Since she is a good friend, I decided I'd volunteer to be her support person. I'd go to the hospital and sit with her while the induction medicine was kicking in, working magic, and making baby stuff happen. Well, the problem is, I've never been one for birth. I don't care for children or their general raising. I'd rather not even think about anyone giving birth, so this was new for me. The good thing is I was well equipped with a background in being awkwardly funny.
So from my understanding, what happens is, well...a man and a woman partake in sexual pleasure to the point of producing sperm that attaches itself to the egg...and so forth-you know this part; it's the fun part. Ok, now for the less fun part. There's the conception. Not so bad. That's fine. But after that, there is the growing. The baby grows into a bundle of pulpy goodness, that eventually becomes a human form with fingernails, skin, and bones. It eats your insides as it grows and grows, til it becomes big enough that your body is like "I need to expel this lifeform within me!!" So your cervix starts preparing itself or something. And there's some bones that move around...all on their on. IT's like being possessed, only cuter, and people say, "you have a glow about you," rather than, "you don't look quite like yourself today." Of course, with pregnancy, you have the very clear sign of a baby bump. Anyways, so when your body is taking too long, or the baby is moving around too much (the case for my friend), they induce labor.
Induction sounds fun, right? I mean, in mathematics, it's just proving that a statement holds for all natural numbers by proving that the first statement in the infinite sequence of statements is true, and then proving that if any one statement in the infinite sequence of statements is true, then so is the next one. It's actually pretty easy. In pregnancy, it's not so easy. Not at all. I happened to walk in right after they'd begun this interesting procedure on my friend. She told me when I closed the door that the nurse had just finished the unpleasant process of sticking a filled balloon into her vag. Yay. That sounds like loads of...no, no it doesn't. Don't even lie to yourself. So what this balloon does is cause her to dilate, from what I was told. I don't know any of this for fact. It prepares her to shove a blood and mucus covered baby from her body into the world, where it is cold and really, really bright.

They had her hooked up to all kinds of monitors. They finally gave her some pain and nausea medication, so a few hours after I left she slept. Then, in the morning, they woke her up and got her ready for more madness. Her water was broken...which just sounds so gross. Like I can just picture a waterfall gushing forth from between her legs now. Great. Anyways, then they told her that she should be ready to have this thing around 7 hours later. I'm not sure if that's an adequate amount of time to shove a human out; nevertheless, that didn't happen. This baby was stubborn. So now they are going to do a C-section.
Now this is really gross in itself. It's where they cut the woman open, lay her organs out on display, and take the baby out by physical force. I don't know about you, but this sounds dangerous, kind of like a war scene. I'm pretty sure I watched a documentary about cannibals that did something similar to this process. Then, they stitch you up, and you recover for the next 2 months. Like, you can't pick up anything heavier than...well, the baby. Hopefully, though-if all goes well, we will have a boucing baby boy around 5 pm. :) And I will be a Grandpa.
I'm not sure what else to educate you all on in regards to birth. This is as far as I've gotten. Oh, but I did learn that a lot of women that give birth all natural describe the moment that the baby drops into position like a ring of fire "down there."  Interesting stuff.
happy pooping.

Engaging Engagment Photos

 So I was looking at engagment photos on Google images, because that's what people do-look at happy pictures to make life seem less dull, and I came across this gem. I love it when people take engagement photos with their animals because animals become part of the family, too. Now, you can argue all you want that animals have no feelings, and all that jazz, but if you have ever had a pet, you know the pain felt when that pet is no longer living; animals are companions, so when you lose one, it hurts. Hence, this picture made me laugh because the dog's face says: "Oh! I'm just so happy! I can't believe I'll be calling you Mom, soon...Mom! haha! I said it, and it felt so good. I love you both!"
 If I could explain why this one made me happy, it might offend some people. I've always found the renaissance-inclined people very fascinating...in an eccentric way. I just love the horribly overdone backdrop, the most. But hey, to each his/her own. I wonder how hard it was for the photographer not to burst into fits of laughter.
 Now, this is how you say "classy." I'm not sure if this is an engagement photo, but if I were getting pictures with my fiance, and he/she decided to take a piss outside, while the camera was rolling, I don't think I'd be as supportive of this.
 Not going to lie, these kind of pictures always freak me out. That grass looks super itchy, for one. Secondly, I don't trust bugs. These must be for super outdoorsy people. Which, obviously, my other half and I are not.
 The best part about this photo is that it was deemed "creative." Yes, chopping people's shoulders off is very creative. I hope it was just the sizing on the thumbnail was off; however, when I clicked on the image, it enlarged to the same-having no heads. I don't understand engagment photos with no faces. Is it supposed to be a mystery? Do they put these pics in their houses? Or maybe make blown up copies of the picture and let people stick their faces where faces are missing as part of a photo booth thing. That's becoming popular, now, to my understanding.
 As a nerd, I like nerdy things. This, however, is going a little too far. I think it's cute, but do they not realize that Darth Maul and Luke Skywalker would never engage in anything more than battle?? Not to mention, they forgot the double weilding light saber. Gah! There are just so many things wrong with this. It's a creative idea, but just plain inaccurate.
This one is cute and super sweet. I can't say I don't love a man in uniform, but I really love her dress...and the bench, and the tree, and everything. This picture just screams "I'm so excited we're getting married!!!"
Ok, that ends my pointless picture blog for the day. I love these. :)
Maybe it will give you some ideas of what to do or what not to do as far as engagement photos go.
Hope you enjoyed reading. Happy pooping.

Geriatric Girls Gone Wild

Readers, we have come to the age of incontinence, disorientation, and early bed times. That’s right, we are becoming elderly.  The other day, we were having one of our world-renown slumber parties, and we were having a blast. When 9:30 p.m. rolled around, though, we were quick to put on our pajamas and jump in bed. What’s worse is we barely talked-we just went to sleep! Now, there are plenty of reasons why this could have happened. I mean, we are working and waking up earlier. So why, then, did my significant other, and I pee our pants because we were laughing too hard the next day? Incontinence is no laughing matter.  Here is a surprising statistic, ladies:” Between the ages of 18 and 44, approximately 24% of women experience incontinence.” That is approximately a quarter of the population of women. One woman bravely gives her testimony on the matter, stating “At first I only noticed that I leaked urine when I was lifting something very heavy or when I coughed or sneezed. Over time, it got worse.” We have a lot to look forward to, ladies. 

Of course, we also have the disorientation. It is somewhat normal for someone to go into a room and completely forget why they were going there; however, it is less understandable when this type of thing happens multiple times, daily. For instance, at our slumber parties, my significant other will become suddenly wide-eyed and start asking what we were talking about. I forget where I am, sometimes. Often, we will find ourselves walking along busy highways, not sure how we got there.

These aren’t the only signs of our growing age. We have also become bad drivers that yell at other bad drivers for not driving properly. You know the ones? The ones that blindly pull into a lane, causing the car next to them to either slow down or move over to avoid being hit, yet they yell at the driver in the adjacent lane for not moving over sooner. “I had my blinker on!” Yeah, that’s us, now. Oh, and how about the fact that we don’t like driving at night. Not only is that past our bed time, it is also way too bright for our feeble eyes with all these new-fangled LED lights that Acura and a few other companies have begun using.

Another issue that is huge for us, is that music seems to be too loud at times. The other night, while getting ready to go to an early enough viewing of a movie so we would be in bed at a decent time, we were playing music when we decided that it was too loud and we continued to turn it down considerably. For everyone reading this, this is not OK! We are in our prime and music should be too loud. 


To give you a little history on us, so you can see how much our funness has declined, I will share what our weekends use to be like.

• Friday- Meet up around 6 and head to my other half's apartment, of course not before purchasing an unreasonable amount of alcohol. Once there, we would invite some guys over or go to a bar. Once we were in the company of the other sex we would play beer pong, or cards, or even dance. Once we were a few drinks in, we would invite our male friends to join us in some good ole' fun time...if you know what I mean. Once we had discarded the other gender we stay up until the wee hours of the morning drinking and making an obscene amount of noise.
• Saturday- We would sleep until about 1 pm and then grab some lunch. On some occasions we would go to the nearest wal-mart or grocery store to buy ingredients for our own culinary endeavors. Once we reached late afternoon we would basically repeat the previous night, but it would be 10 times crazier.

As you can see, we have declined greatly and have fell into a rut. Some people may say this is all apart of growing up, but to those individuals I would like to say "Screw YOU!!". You probably haven't sharted in your pants in the last week because of a sneeze.

Homemade Whirlpool Cuddling...

     As you all know, my other half and I went on an epic road trip this past weekend. Sounds innocent, right?  Absolutely not!  If you have been reading our blogs you know by now that when we are involved, nothing is innocent. It all started Friday night when the work week had ceased and we were free to the open road. We blared our fun playlists made for this special occasion and ate our Taco Bell with ease knowing that in just a short period of time we would be far away from any judgmental stares caused by our wailing, siren like voices and bean-induced flatulence.

     We arrived at our destination, and upon checking-in, we realized that the gentleman at the front desk was giving us weird looks. We concluded that he must have thought we were lovers due to our giggly, excited attitudes towards one another. In all honesty, we were excited because we never do anything exciting and this trip was so spontaneous for us, even though it took two months for us to plan it. The attendant handed us our keys to our bedroom on the third floor. We hoisted our bags onto our shoulders and headed for the elevators. These elevators were probably the slowest, creakiest hotel elevators either of us had ever been on. It took a whole ten minutes just to get to our room. Upon entering, we kicked off our shoes and released our baggage before collapsing onto our king sized bed-which resembled a size between a king and queen, if you ask me.

       Lying in bed, side by side, we suddenly noticed that there was a multitude of bugs in one corner. We discovered upon closer inspection that  our room was the lady bug  honey moon suite. There was a large cluster of the beautiful beetles in one corner of the closed window. Not sure how they got in, but they weren't unwelcome guests considering what else could have been in the room. We decided to investigate the whole room, just in case. The bathroom was spotless, other than some standing water in the tub. Everything looked great. We got our box of nerds, and we settled in for the night, flipping on some HGTV, and slept like the dead.

       Our plan for the next day consisted of going to a cave and possibly some other odd and end activities. However, after our adventure through the cave, all thoughts of activities went out the window and we returned to our room for a siesta. When we awoke from our nap it was time for our romantic reserved dinner. I mean, what's a best friend honeymoon without a romantic dinner? We arrived slightly early, due mostly to excitement. The meal was bland, but the entertainment was pretty good. After becoming exasperated with our waitress, we left the restaurant and began our search for the nearest packaging store because we had clear intentions of getting drunk off our asses. After all, when life has you down the best way to get back up is having a night of complete oblivion. Here I have to give some back story. We were both having some difficult times. Family members were sick, significant others were being douche bags, and work was becoming exhaustingly slow. That's why we needed a break; however, the drama followed us to the mountains, so we decided to numb the stress through consumption.

     Once we had our happy juice in hand, we were on our way to party it up at the hotel. We got to our room and because my other half was having relationship problems, we made an "angry break-up" playlist on the good ole' iPod. Because at this point we had already downed one or two glasses of a delicious tequila mixture, our playlist was somewhat irrelevant to our desired goal. I mean, since when is "Rape Me" from Nirvana relevant to a shitty move from your boy/girlfriend? (Other half here: it's related because s/he took everything from me! S/He raped me of my emotions!!! The real question is, when was that song by The Talking Heads added? That one still eludes my understanding.)

      After our playlist was done, we danced and we danced hard. We also procured scratches and bruises from our "hard" dancing due to our alcohol intake. Not to mention the falling into walls and off the bed- it was like a dirty dance video gone awry. After our impromptu dance party, we decided it was time for some drunk dialing. After all, there is nothing more flattering than getting a drunk call from someone. We called one of our dear friends, but unfortunately not much was remembered from that conversation. Afterwards, we started texting the evil girl/boyfriend who drove my other half to ingesting the devil's water.

     Within an hour and a half, our bottle of tequila was gone and we were jonesing for some water fun. We headed downstairs and tried our luck at getting into the hotel whirlpool. When we got down there, the whirlpool was closed; we then asked the front desk if the pool was open. Though it was about 45 degrees outside, we were determined to have some fun. Somehow, our deadened brain cells knew that the alcohol would keep us warm. Our joy was crushed when we found out the pool was closed as well. When we get back to the room I have a stroke of genius. We made our own whirlpool in the bathroom tub. By this time you have to understand that the whole bottle of tequila was now residing in our tummies, and our heads were in a complete fog. The fact that the bathtub was only as big as an ordinary house tub was irrelevant at the time. We stripped down (completely) and got in our homemade whirlpool. We splashed and laughed, but something was looming. My other half broke down in tears so I embraced her, not caring that we were both naked. That's what best friends are for, after all.

     Once we were out of the tub and had gotten half of our clothes back on, I heard a loud thud. Near the door, lying face down, was my poor friend. She had given in to our wild and crazy night as well as letting go of her dinner from earlier. As I traveled across the room I began to notice the floor was becoming closer to my face than it should. I then realized I was immobile on the floor before making it to the rescue of my friend. I continued to lay there for an unknown amount of time when I finally found the energy to move my legs. I got to my friend and urged her to the bed only for her to throw up again on the sheets. The next thing that is remembered is lying in a dark room and emptying my stomach on my side of the bed.

     The next morning, around 6:30, we both woke up to the unknown condition of our room and no memory of the previous night. When my other half began the search for her phone we felt as though we were in our own "Hangover" movie. We were very hesitant to go into the bathroom for fear there would be a tiger waiting for us. Once we were fully awake, I went to the refrigerator to grab a water and lo and behold, there her phone sat in the refrigerator next to her leftover salmon. She had two voice mails and a few texts from her boyfriend worried for our safety. We wondered how and why he knew we had been drinking. With further investigation we realized she had sent him texts claiming he was a "stupid haaaass" and that we were friends "forevah!".

      Around 7:30 am we decided to indulge in the free breakfast that was provided by the hotel, even though we still had a good amount of alcohol in our systems and we felt very rough. After a waffle, one serving of eggs, and about 5-10 pieces of sausage each, we decided to retreat to our room to put some of the pieces together. The room embodied the scent of tequila, puke, and shame. Our environment had yet to stop spinning and we were in no shape to drive home so we opted for a late check-out. Come noon, we could no longer tolerate the smell and packed our stuff. We left a nice tip for the housekeepers along with a note apologizing for the puke stains, the clogged tub, and horrible smell.

      There is the majority of our vacation for your eyes, only. Hope you enjoy our adventures...we sure didn't. Ok, that's a lie. We had a blast. We just can't remember most of it, and it cost us more than just our dignity. Hopefully you will learn a lesson from this story. Don't eat salad or salmon or ribeye if you plan on drinking a quart of tequilla afterwards. It'd probably be best to eat a lot of bread, instead. Anyways, maybe you just shouldn't drink to get wasted? That's what we learned. Next time, once again, we'll be going for slightly tipsy. HAHAHA!
Happy pooping, y'all! Come back, ya hear?
We're too gangsta to be hipsta. Love us.  :)

   

Bearing All

We begin our journey with a single, awesome plan: road trip! Lucky for us, our grandmother has share in a condo in the mountains, and her share was coming up. We promptly claimed the weekend trip with much excitement, so we began honing the plan to every little perfect detail. Our weekend trip to the mountains was going to be superb! Little did we know, some stingy cousins had already put their name on the list. 

When we found out our original plan had been demolished, our hearts sunk in our chests like the Titanic. Our iceberg had been a two hour drive away, and there was no way we could ever have guessed it'd sink our sailing ship. Good news was we were only out a free place to stay. Our next step was finding a hotel (we weren't about to kill off our plans just because we lost our place to stay). This was not an easy feat considering we were only a month from our desired date of arrival.
Seeing that our hotels were limited, our plans began to transform. We were quite lucky, then, to stumble upon a Groupon for a resort that was half priced for a weekend! But there is always a catch, ins't there?   Looking at the availability dates, we quickly realized that our weekend stay would only be half priced for a day. Thus, we began looking into other options. An idea occurred that we could stay one night at the resort and one night in another city of interest. Again, we began looking for hotels; and again, we were limited because of our time frame. At one time, we even discussed sleeping in a tree house with no water or electricity because it was $13 per night. Then, we discussed sleeping in the car, but the necessity of safety was too prominent in our minds.
Our plan became this: buy the Groupon and pay for a cheap motel in the other city, drive up on Friday night, and enjoy all the many attractions of the mountains. But of course this plan also changed when both of us began to worry about money. Money changes everything. From this, our plan morphed into a weekend stay in the mountains in the city we planned to get the cheap motel; however, we decided since we would save on gas here, we would splurge on a very nice hotel for two nights (no bed bugs or mole mentioned in the reviews). While our hotel was considerably more expensive than our original plan, it worked out that we'd actually save money! Now our plan was truly perfect (minus the free lodging...so, technically not perfect, but fabulous).
As you can see, when you plan for a road trip, you need to keep an open mind. Things will constantly change because that is just how life works. But often, it works out for the best. Now we have a wonderful plan to spend our best friend honeymoon in the mountains, looking at waterfalls, nature, and other shit that makes you feel cozy. We might even go see some animals trapped in cages because we like zoos. It's all part of keeping our minds opened. Just remember, your original plan is not going to be the plan you end up with. Hope our experience is helpful in alleviating those pre-travel anxieties. As always, happy pooping! :)

To Become Undesirable

Today is a good day to talk about ways to be awkward. Since we are the queens of awkward, we are your perfect professors for this topic. Not only do we have 20+ years of being awkward under our belt, our greatest strength is in the art of deterring people. So for this post, we will discuss how to make people avoid you.

Step 1: Start spouting off random facts about yourself. No one loves listening to someone talk about him/herself more than is asked for. It will leave them no room to make a conversation, causing them to quickly abort the mission of talking to you.

Step 2: To be even more awkward, give them a half scared half ecstatic face. It will make you seem maniacal and desperate to the other person- like you have been waiting too long to talk to someone, and will probably  invade his/her personal space. That’s a big no-no. People that like small talk want to know that their conversations are going nowhere, especially physically.

Step 3: Just don’t reply. Once you have been handed the ball in the conversation, keep it.  Hold it like a precious stone, and pass it with excruciating pain like a gall stone. The other person will be forced to act on your silence by either passing up the conversation for other interesting people or come up with new material. Just maintain your silence, no matter what.

Step 4: Start ranting about something you aren’t really passionate about…that no one is really passionate about. Like why grass is considered green when there are most obviously other colors of grass, not to mention different shades of green that should be recognized. Or why dust mites are called dust mites when they aren’t even made of dust.

Step 5: Pretend you are an exotic animal, recreating noises and faces to match your persona. If you are an albino crocodile, latch onto your speaker’s finger when he is making hand motions to go along with his words.  His screams of pain will confirm that you have done well of making things awkward.

Step 6: Turn in circles. When you get sufficiently dizzy, don’t hesitate to throw up or lay down on the floor at the speaker’s feet. Likely, while you are spinning, the speaker will swiftly end all communication with you…for long term, reaching the desired effect.

Step 7: Don’t stop moving your eyes and blink rapidly. The speaker will probably be distracted by your behavior, rendering him/her speechless. You will look like you are in deep thought about something unrelated, which will deter further conversation.

Step 8: Cough or sneeze every two or three words your speaker says. It’s almost as annoying as being talked over. Seriously, try it. If you don’t want him/her to talk to you long, just interrupt every few words of his/her speech and he/she will eventually just stop talking altogether.

Step 9: Move your mouth as if you are a cow chewing cud when you are not talking. If you want to make it really awkward, do it when you ARE talking. Then when the companion asks you to repeat your statement, just mumble gibberish or splice words together so that it is completely incomprehensible. Eventually, he/she will give up and walk away exasperated.

Step 10: Wave your arms wildly and raise your voice at odd intervals when you are speaking. Your companion will be so afraid of being hit by your flailing arms (you might even consider smacking him/her a time or two) and disturbed by your tone, that he/she will get away from conversing with you as quickly as possible.

That concludes our steps on how to make people avoid you. If you have had any experiences that you would like to share, or maybe you try some of these ideas, please let us know through comments or messages. We appreciate all the views and love! You guys are great viewers. Hope you enjoy this post.

Til next time,

Happy pooping!

We just really liked this picture.

What Turns Women On - Rated X

     As I was discussing orgasms with my other half today, I realized that it may be helpful to men,and maybe some women, to know what REALLY turns a woman on. My list will almost guarantee that she will explOde (you notice what I did there? I emphasized the "O". Hehe) around you. As a disclaimer, I am no sex expert, but as a woman I know what it takes to turn a us into a puddle of sexy soup.

• Bringing the heat- As history has shown through movies and advice from other columns, it's supposedly super romantic to fill the room with candles while you woo your woman to her brink.  In all honestly though, that is really dangerous and all a woman will think about is whether or not a candle with light her $200 curtains on fire. Instead of putting both of your lives at risk, try this little move. About five minutes before go time, toss her undies into the dryer until they are really warm. This will give her the heat she's looking for and it's also incredibly arousing to a woman to have that warmth near her lady cave.

• Diamonds are a girl's best friend- Sometimes all a girl wants is a pretty, shiny object given to her by her man. Contrary to popular beliefs, diamonds aren't always what she vying for. Alternatively, she may want a chrome dildo. You heard me right. Nothing is more exciting than a little friend who is cold, hard, and shiny. Just the words "chrome dildo" is enough to throw her over the edge. This gift would also be paired wonderfully with warm panties.

• Whoa! Take it easy, tiger...Or maybe harder- Some men think that all a woman wants is a romantic evening of sweet and sensual love making. This is not always the case. Actually, I do believe that most women would contest that this is not the case most of the time. Sometimes we just want a good, rough fuck! We want to be thrown against a wall (bed, table, counter, shower, car, elevator...hell, as long as we won't fall to our death any place will do) and pleasured in ways that would make E.L. James blush. 

• Oh, what beautiful eyes you have- If you haven't noticed, men love our candy mountains of pleasure. I know, that's news to me too. But what is the sexiest part of a man? His forearms. A mans forearms is as sexy to us as our cleavage is to a man. It's actually been proven...by real life Scientist, Psychologists, and Anthropologists. Forearms show a man's strength. So, show off those forearms and if you want to really amp it up, get a sexy tattoo. Of course, that's dependent on whether you have nice arms. Flabby arms or super skinny arms are like mosquito bite tits

• Sorry, I can't come to the fish fry. I'm tied up tonight- I think this topic is the most misconstrued of them all. All women have a BDSM side. Most women won't admit because it is considered taboo due to their culture or religion. I promise you, it's there and if you're around long enough it will eventually come out in the relationship in one way or another. Every woman dreams of being able to take control in the bedroom or BE taken control of by a man. It's so damn sexy! This feeling actually goes back to the caveman days. Now, your lady friend may not be as over the top as others, but little actions will show that she deep down wants to be handcuffed to a post and pleasured until she has earth shattering orgasms...and yes, I pluralized orgasm. 

• Will you be my Barry White?- I once dated this guy who's voice was so low I felt like I was dating Rocky Balboa. It was so hot! I could listen to him talk all day long because it literally set my loins on fire. A deep voice is so carnal and delicious. If you have a high pitched voice you may want to look into getting a voice box or one of those Darth Vader helmets...because who doesn't want to go to bed with a James Earl Jones sound-alike? Next time you are trying to coerce your lady into having warm panty, chrome dildoing, role-playing, forearm lusting, rough sex, channel your inner Barry White and enjoy the ride.