The Faces Of Being Human

     

     How does one react in the face of pure hatred? If you are cornered by a person so full of malice they've become subhuman because of your beliefs, lifestyle, or any number of personal choices, how do you protect yourself? It is not simply shown through words or looks; sometimes the disdain is shown in physical violence. How do you fend for yourself when someone has been brought up believing that you are not even human, yourself?

      A prime example of this is hate crime. A young man, bleeding from being beaten within inches of his life, takes in the coolness of the asphalt as relief from the swollen bruises on his broken face and ribs and hopes the group doesn't come back for more. All he wanted was to enjoy an evening with his partner: a nice restaurant, movie, and maybe a kiss. If only he’d left a little bit earlier, he wouldn't have run into the group of guys waiting outside the club for an unsuspecting victim.

     In what world is it right to abuse someone for their personal behavior? An innocent person, while practicing taboo sexual practices, is not guilty of anything more than what he does in his own bedroom. Sure, he seems abnormal to the group of masculine, meat-heads that perpetrated the action of breaking his every bone. But he is no less human than the child whose disturbed father comes to him at night for pleasure. In fact, this may very well be the cause of such “sexual deviance” in many cases. However, regardless of his sexual preference, he is not some THING to be taught a lesson through thrown punches and fatal kicks. He is a human being, capable of love and compassion, unlike the perverted members of the group that caused him physical harm based on his personal choices.

     We believe with every fiber of my being that hate crime is wrong; hatred turns good people into beasts. When a person acts out because of some deep-seated hatred of a lifestyle choice, religion, culture, race, etc., that person instantly loses his/her human rights. The law should take less time worrying about why the victim was attacked, and more time hunting down the pack of low life crap that has the nerve to torture another human being. We have seen this sort of thing in Civil Rights movements and even in the Holocaust. Why don’t we do something to defend people? Do you know, in the Bible, God had to spread everyone out because we were working together TOO WELL? The reason we have different races and languages is because if we all spoke the same language, we would all be working together to obtain supreme power. Ha! So why not take some time to get to know your brothers and sisters in humanity, rather than hating them for something you don’t agree with. Christians are taught to “hate the sin, love the sinner.” Basically, from what we understand, this means that you don’t have to partake or even approve of the choices others make; instead, make an example of how you think he/she should live by showing that person love and compassion. It is much more complicated than that, we're sure, but for all intents and purposes, it sounds more manageable. So, maybe next time you see a behavior you don’t like, maybe a beggar on the street, don’t be hateful towards the person. Rather, figure out what would motivate this person to change: in the beggar’s case, you could offer him/her some PB and bread instead of money. 

     Well, that is all we have to say about that.

Happy pooping, friends. Hope you have a great day!

The Cave of VaChina and The One-Eyed Dragon Series (Part I)

     Once upon a time, there was a cave nestled at the bottom of the valley of VaChina, enclosed by two voluptuous hills, full of mystical wonders. Inside the cave, lived a miserly old witch that the villagers had unceremoniously named Ursula. In the cave, Ursula hid her wealth of jewels and riches from the distant village dwellers. When it rained one of the seven days out of a month known for showers, there would be a flood through the cave, often picking up rubies and depositing them on the shores of other lands. The witch was very cranky during these monsoons, casting evil curses on anyone daring to come close enough to tempt her anger.
     In the village lived a handsome, dark stranger named Claudius who worked in the mines, bringing great wealth to his people. All the ladies adored him, but there was a sense of danger engulfing his character. Inside his cottage, he kept many dark secrets, letting very little of his true power be known. His strong personality and mysterious behavior left every woman he came in contact with longing to know more. But he was never interested in the glances from the females; he was more concerned in the science and philosophical aspects of life. Little did his people know, he owned a wandering one-eyed dragon, which he had named Zeus. Zeus was his pet by many terms of the definition, but you could not tame something as wild as a fire-breathing beast. Often, he would stroke it, longing for a woman who could appreciate the pet's beauty and mystic powers.
     It was no wonder, then, that the young Claudius happened to stumble upon the cave of VaChina during one of the seasonal rainy days. Having been searching for the origin of the famed blood red rubies, he followed the advice of the village Elder. He traveled the swollen hills of VaChina, crossing into the fertile valley, til he came upon the witch, Urusla, along the river outlining the cave's entrance, catching her off guard. Her blue eyes, reflecting the river's rage from several day's worth of rain, captivated him. As she turned to flee, he called to her, "Ma'am! Where are you going? Don't be startled."
     She turned, glancing at his dirty hands and rugged jaw. "You ought not be here. This is my territory. Go home! Danger awaits you if you remain."
"I seek the cave of VaChina, where I have heard many treasures are hidden. Might you direct me to the cave before you run off," he replied, ignoring her warning.
"No! Go away! The cave which you seek is my own. If you do not leave at once, I shall be forced to cast a heinous curse upon you and your family." Ursula, unusually perturbed by this young man, turned once more to hide away.
"Alright. Then, I shall return tomorrow. Hopefully, your demeanor will be much improved with a change in weather." With that, he strode off back home. But he only made it as far as the hills before he had to make camp with nightfall.

Call Me Big Poppa

     Since Halloween is only a month away (yes, we're excited), we decided to visit our local haunted house. This was a special occasion since my other half has never experienced the thrill of people getting their jollies off by scaring people with trash cans and sticks. After much coaxing on my other half's behalf I finally convinced her to go. To accomplish this I had to make many promises that people would not touch us, nor would we encounter any free range rodents.

     Our journey begins after we ventured into Petco to buy an overpriced Elizabethan inspired cone so our dog would leave his ass alone. We left after our nutritious dinner consisting of water and chocolate cupcakes (gotta keep up our figures) and arrived around 7:15 pm to our final destination... muahaha!!! After buying our half priced tickets we proceed into the holding area where we were forced to watch "Army of Darkness". We attempted to procure some chairs, but every time a pair became available our indecisiveness allowed people to get them before we could. Finally, our letter was called and we descended into darkness until we were asked to stop by a white disposal can (maybe that's where they throw away the dead bodies). We were then given the ground rules and told to follow the paved road, somewhat resembling a gruesome version the yellow brick road.

       Since we were first in line, we lead a group of 50+ people into a smokey trail of doom. Also, as the leaders we were the first to encounter the trash can beater, in which he successfully received a yelp from me and my other half. Then we entered into a maze of hanging dead bodies and maniacs with a desire for blood...our blood. The problem was you can't scare someone who has a big goofy smile on their face. Because of our maniacal smiles they were more scared of us than we were of them, so they passed us by for easier prey. We made it through the maze quite easily by holding hands; until a horrific incident happened involving my other half's ear being accidentally raped by an actors tongue causing her to have a semi-orgasm.

         Now came the walk through the woods, in which we had to ask several employee's how to get there. When we finally made it to the entrance gate as we were being given our next set of directions, one of the mentally unstable actors crossed the boundaries of personal space for an extended amount of time...and just all around being creepy. Then off we led our new set of troops into the woods of the unknown. Mostly it was just dark and hard to see when someone would jump out at us. But that didn't stop our troop from screaming when the guy crawled out from under the bus, causing us to almost kick him. Next we came upon a hanging where we were asked if we would like to volunteer to be next "little girls" and I replied "only if I can call you big poppa" and i'm still not sure if he heard it, but it made us giggle causing our group to respond by saying "why aren't they screaming?" The woods were pretty clear after that, until we got to what appeared to be a random corner of a wall, where a man jumped out and ended up coincidentally sticking his groin right in my perfectly cupped hand. After apologizing profusely for sexually assaulting him, we proceed blindly onto a bridge to a house where they had apparently not paid the utilities. Not only was it smelly, it was very dark and damp. Not to mention, the painters were obviously geographically challenged. The arrows pointing us where we needed to go were backwards, so my other half called out "Which way do we go?" to which a ghoul replied "the opposite way of the arrows." Little did he know the last arrow led to a wall. However, a man in a white coat was quick to show us the correct way, while maintaining his terrifying facade. Upon exiting, we found ourselves faced with a guy who gave us a half-hearted growl (which we scolded him for), and we entered the carnival of birthing. We were ushered into dark, plastic wrapped slide, where we had no idea what we were supposed to do and I got stuck because my burlap sack came out from under me. To reposition myself, I had to situate myself in the birthing position, like I was being examined by the damned vaginacologist! What the hell? So, here I am, squatted on the slide while people are walking up the stairs next to the slide and my other half is flying past me, probably wondering why I'm just sitting in the middle of the slide. And you know what made it worse? After my semi- exam, we were directed into a big top maze where I was assaulted by clowns! My biggest fear, imagine that! Luckily, it didn't take long before me and my fellow leader found our way out. Of course, we were directly pushed through what can only be described as a white, blood stained, birthing canal, full of air and lots of people. It was quite awkward, to say the least.

         Overall, the experience was unforgettable, and we have determined that going again this year is a priority. We may take more people, though. The best part was the factory simply because the layout was better. The actors were much more convincing, other than a few who made unnatural noises that were not so much scary as sexual. One thing I would suggest all haunted houses take into consideration is that your guests probably don't know which way to go. The directions should be pretty clear, or you should have a guide to direct them. Also, having a portion outside, you should consider your guest's safety. There are a lot of tripping hazards in the dark, so make sure you clear it out very well.  We had such a great time, though! It wore us out, so now it is bed time, because we are getting to be old grandmas. The smallest amount of excitement kills our stamina like Raid kills roaches.
                                 

 Happy pooping, all. And to all a good night. 

Happy haunting. MUAHAHAHA!

Warning: This May Contain Offensive Material

If you are a homosexual sociopath, don't read this. My intention is not to offend.

                Let me begin by stating that I hate no one, and this is not a reflection on my other half (just me). This blog post is not to discuss my political views on either the subject of sociopaths or homosexuals; although, I fear, at some points it may be necessary. Maybe I should just start off by assuring you that I once had a homosexual affair? Ok, so now that the cat's out of the bag, so to speak, let's begin this post.
               My S.O. has told me he wants kids. Normally, women our age are jumping at the chance to pop one of those cute little bundles of shit out. Not me! Do you want to know my biggest fear as far as babies go? I'll tell you. It isn't that he/she may come out mentally handicapped, or even physically handicapped. I think I could handle either of those scenarios; perhaps not with ease, but with help, surely. No. My biggest fear is that my baby will exit the womb a homosexual sociopath. It doesn't help that his/her mother has a deep set attraction to the female body. Nor does it help that his/her mother enjoys some incidents of pain. Maybe I'm being melodramatic, right? I mean, everyone enjoys a little pain, correct? It's what lets us know we are living. But still. The thought lingers in my skull like a fly hovers over a roadkill carcass.
                 So the implications of this fear suggest a sort of homophobism. This is not true, at all, though. I am not afraid my child will be homosexual. I am afraid of the conflict that comes with the child being homosexual, knowing that both my S.O.'s and my own family might not accept that in their own grandchild. I don't even know that I would accept it. More likely, I would just ignore it. I don't like sticky situations, so it might come to my child and I never discussing it, making things worse. But, over all, I think I could handle the homosexual possibility. The added sociopath part is where my deepest concern lies. What does a homosexual sociopath entail? I mean, what is the worst that could happen? Well, my own mental depiction goes something like this:
              It is a dark and foggy night in London. The streets are empty save for the yellow streaks of moonlight and deep shadows looming in the alleyways. A man (or woman) leans against the corner of an abandoned brick loft, just out of the pool of light cast by a lone street lamp. Then you hear the click, click of someone's shoes approaching. From the sound of their footfalls, it can be assumed that the person is in a hurry. The streetlight catches the man/woman's figure. He/she is not a particularly handsome person, but he/she will do for the night. He/she carries a leather briefcase, wears a finely pressed pantsuit, hugging his/her figure to perfection.

              The man (or woman) hiding in the shadows takes this person's inattentive behavior as a moment of truth. "This is the one." He/she follows the unsuspecting victim for a block. The mist is rising off the street, as the asphalt warms the cool night air. Vic (the abbreviated form of victim, given to the man or woman soon to be overtaken) stops to light up a cigarette.  "Wonderful timing!" He/she slips his/her arm around Vic's neck and places a hand over his/her mouth,then drags Vic into the alleyway. Taking the cigarette, he/she takes pleasure in placing the cherry against Vic's polished skin. Vic yelps, giving my son/daughter a tingly warm feeling in his/her loins, causing him/her to do the Hannibal Lector "sipping sound."

(Courtesy of watching too many movies.)

              Ok, so you get the picture. It doesn't end well. :( See why it is so difficult for me to want to have children?? Is this a totally insane thought; have I just read too many Mary Higgins Clark and James Patterson novels? Or is this a legit fear? I mean, it'd be one thing if it were one or the other. Of course, the sociopath part in itself is just plain scary! So why does my mind put the two together? I honestly hope this doesn't offend anyone. I am not making this fear up, and I am certainly not lying that I have no fear of my child being simply homosexual. But the two together just seems terrifying. Maybe I am the one that needs help.
           Another example of Google's ineptitude: I Googled homosexual sociopath, and this image was among the top ten.

Scary, right?

I Have An Ice Cream In My Pocket...

                             

In life, it is important to set goals for yourself so as not to become bored with life or acquire a melancholy disposition. In setting these goals you should remember to keep them flexible, but you should also make them to your own standards. It is never good to have goals set too low for your own life because then you aren't really achieving anything; however, setting the goals too high can lead to disappointment and pain. Here, I have compiled a list of my other half and my common goals. Hopefully, you will find it not only enlightening, but useful for setting your own goals.

Goal 1: Get a fabulous job.  While professional blogging seems to be a natural choice for us, because we’re so damned good at it, other career paths seem more lucrative considering our master skills. I’m sure we can continue the blog even after we find jobs that cater to our abilities more thoroughly, since you guys just love our blog so much. I mean, we are already at a whopping THREE followers! That is just INCREDIBLE! Keep up the good feedback, friends.  Really, you guys are our life. However, healthcare seems to be more of a common theme in our friendship. Both of us enjoy helping people, and making money. Maybe we will own an institute for psychiatric patients, one day. We can trick it out at Halloween and invite all of the high schools in our area to come tour it…in the dark!

Goal 2: Marry men…separate men. Yes, I do realize that we come off a little strong with our “other half” stuff. And while most men can’t handle women that know exactly what they want in life, we’ve had some luck with the dating scene. There was that one guy that honked his horn at us while we were crossing the street, on a “do not cross” signal. That’s always a good sign, right? We definitely want the men to be separate, unless they are conjoined twins. That would be really interesting. Then my other half would have to take my advice and move in with me and my husband as our “later-to-be nanny”! How exciting! Of course, I did offer her and her S.O. a suite of their own, and that’d be rather difficult to do with a conjoined husband twin. Well, needless to say, we’re still looking. And that brings us to the next goal.

Goal 3: Move out of Mom’s basement. The rent is fantastic here, but we sure would like some privacy. Mom likes to barge in on blogging time with milk and cookies. NOT ACCEPTABLE! A sense of privacy is conducive for an uprising blog (seriously, nearly 400 views in 3 months). Also, we will have the utmost comfort at our new place(s) because we can sit around in our “slumber party attire.” Who wouldn’t want that?

Goal 4: Learn a new language. This is my favorite because, well, I chose it. Learning new phrases in other languages is very important.  One very common phrase I have picked up over the years is “Me tango un gelado en mi bosillo” which, translated, becomes “I have an ice cream in my pocket.” You never know when you might need that one on hand when visiting Mexico. Also, I’d like to learn “where is the lion going” in Hungarian. All kinds of common phrases you might need in other countries would be useful. So maybe this goal is changing as we speak. This goal has now become Learn new phrases in another language. There are plenty of uses for that. Next thing you know, we may find our next career path is interpreting for royal ambassadors visiting the U.S.A. Never know!

Goal 5:  Own a helicopter. If we owned a heli, do you know how easy it would be to get to our goal jobs every day? Well, let me assure you it would be easy; especially if it’s with a hospital. Then we could land on the roof and take the elevator/ hovercraft to our desired floor! Not to mention the travel potential. You know what? Scratch this goal. We want a JET!

Goal 6: Travel to majestic places in our Jet...like New Jersey! No, just kidding. We have a desire deep in our loins to travel this beautiful world. I think the correct term is wanderlust. Like a colon impacted with poop, we are stuffed full of wanderlust. Our dream is to pack up a 60's VW van and travel until our little our hearts are content. Or at least, our bellies are full of new foods.

Goal 7: Have kids. Well, my other half wants to have kids. Not me. Well, I take that back. I will take kids, but for the simple fact that I want to own the world one day and “tengo en mi bosillo.” What better way to achieve this goal of world domination than to have little mini me’s running around? Of course, they’d probably gain my S.O.’s unfaltering good nature. Damn! Ok, so the best reason for each of us to have 10 children, other than having things to do our laundry and cooking FOR us, is that we can have them hang out and become close friends like we are. THEN WE TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!

So as you can see, goals can change in an instant. Goals are tangible, and are only meant to reflect your personal self, not what others expect of you. Of course, you may disagree. That’s the whole point of this blog, though: to show that everyone has a different opinion. This post shows that everyone has different goals. You probably won’t have similar goals to us, like Owning a Jet. What would YOU need a jet for? You’re not going to rule the world, so a simple hatchback will suffice for you.

To Be A Winner

For those of you graduating soon, this is a little advice from experience

      With the economy being a Debbie Downer, it is important to keep your head held high and your goals set lower. Students graduating college seem to think that with a bachelor's degree comes a 5 or even 6 figure salary. Reality check says...ERH! No. There are way too few jobs out there for you to come out smelling like roses. If you don't want to put a little hard work in the mix, you probably won't get very far, unless you are just that smart. Even if you do make it by being smart, typically, lazy people don't last long. The way to get to the salary you want, with a degree, is to follow this simple process.
       First, you must stay positive about yourself. With an influx of negative emails regarding your recent applications, you may start to feel like you are not as good as what you originally thought. Of course, you'd be right if you thought you were just going to step off the train and land on the tracks. No, what do you do first when you get off a train? You step onto the loading platform, right? Same thing with finding a job. You are still just as smart and good at what you do, you're just applying to the wrong places or for the wrong type of job.
        Secondly, you have to lower your expectations. If you go in thinking you are a big shot, they are going to turn you down as soon as they see that you have no professional work experience. If somehow you do have professional work experience, then you are doing better than most; this paragraph does not necessarily apply to you. For the majority of us spoiled college kids, that never even got an internship because we just wanted to get through school, well, you can't expect to get the mid-level position...or hardly even the entry-level position.
         This brings me to the next thing, if you can find one that caters to graduates as well as undergrads, try for an internship, not necessarily within your field. Just apply for some that apply to you. That will give you some viable work experience as well as allowing you to form a connection. Job shadowing, volunteer work, fellowships, etc. are all good ways of gaining experience as well. However, I am going to tell you the best way to get in without all of that. Some of us just don't make it in time for these type things. While I do suggest going for the volunteer work no matter what you do (any long gaps in unemployment tend to look bad on yourself), I definitely think you should just work your way up. Aside from getting a higher degree (costing you way more money), this seems to be the best option. Don't go into an application thinking you will get the high paid job. Just go for the desk job that requires you to be around the people you want to work for. There will be plenty of opportunity for you to advance within the company. If there isn't, then you probably don't want to work for them, anyways.

Don't Be Discouraged

Forty-year-old virgins, this post is for you! 

    We were watching Taboo last night, and the featured man was a forty-year-old virgin. From what he said, it all began when he was young. He was a virtuous believer in Jesus Christ, and followed his church's desire to be abstinent until marriage. It was even said that he and his friends were proud of their virginity and often bragged about it. As he got older, he dumped the church, but he wasn't able to recover his sexuality. To conquer his fear of sexual beings, he went to a strip club. It caused him such great discomfort that he fled from the dark, dank space, and had to seek counseling. This man's predicament got me thinking. If you want to conquer your fear of a woman's body, you should not go out in public to do so. The strip club is not the best place to find a woman who will help you. Well, she may help you, but it may be more traumatic than helpful. I decided that the best way for a terrified virgin to get his/her cherry popped is to find someone willing to assist with that, patiently.
     In life, it is important to find a sex partner who is patient and eager to please. It is especially important when you are a virgin. The thing is, sex is just being constantly tossed in our faces by media. It's no wonder virgins feel afraid to try it for the first time. There is constantly some new sex tip being advertised. What if you aren't good in bed?? Don't worry about that! Just find someone who is willing to work with you on finding what you're good at in bed. Someone that is willing to do what ever it takes to get you out of your shell and into the sheets. Once you find someone that you can trust, that appreciates you for more than your body and sex appeal, you will be more open to learning the tricks of the trade.

 

    Make sex a fun adventure. It's not a walk in a dark, scary wood. I mean...not from personal experience. Don't be afraid of the monsters in the bed, because once you find that special someone, your tugbug or rubtub is in for a real treat! Sex can be such a wonderful experience your first time, if you take it slow. If your partner is trying to rush you into having sex and you aren't ready, it's going to be less than fun.
    Another thing I noticed from Taboo, the guy went on a speed date, and he asked every girl if she would have sex with him if she knew he was a virgin. Ok, the error was mentioning sex on the first date. I assure you that as soon as the word "sex" was mentioned, the girl tuned everything else out. Then, she started over analyzing why he asked about "sex." "What would we do on the second date?" "He must not be interested in my personality." It is a sure way to get turned down, guys. Now, as for women, you don't have to worry about that. If you mention that you are a virgin, I guarantee that the likelihood of your speed date thinking, "Yes, I can fix that for you ;)" is very high. It's not true for all guys, but don't hold your breath for the one that thinks, "She's not interested in my personality. I'm out of here." However, it's best to avoid this predicament because you may get someone who expects sex from you. If you are a terrified virgin, you don't want this situation; it will mean he may lose interest when you explain that you said, "I need someone patient because I am afraid to have sex." See the dilemma?

    You also don't want to find a partner that wants to experiment, so purchasing services from an unknown source is not a good idea. I know, I know. It sounds like a good idea. If you are interested in doing it anon. you probably should try phone sex, first. If you get an actual person to come to your house, it's probably going to end up kinky. Too kinky when you don't know what you're doing. It's safe to say it's better to steer away from services you have to pay for. However, if you are determined, there are sites out there for people with special needs in the bedroom. Just try Google; I'm not going to bother searching them for you. My vote is consistently with finding someone who loves you enough to take good care of your body. ;)
    This may not be this best advice blog you have read. It wasn't supposed to be. Just know that you are not alone. If you need someone, you can always use yahoo chat. There are tons of inexperienced sex perverts on there that would love to give you a slow strip tease. And another plus is if you can't stand it, you can just exit out of the window!! But anyways, just try to stay positive. When it is time for you to relinquish your body to a lover, you will know. It will hit you like it hit Steve Carell in that movie "40- year-old Virgin," which is where I got most of my information for this blog...aside from last night's episode of Taboo. Hope you have gained some insight from us, as well. At least, I hope you enjoyed reading. Happy Pooping, you guys!