What Really Hurts

For the past year, I've been dating someone whom I new deep down I did not fully love and accept. Sure, we talked about the usual things that lovers talk about: where we want to retire, how to raise our kids (that I did not want), and the things we loved about one another. There was always a sort of shallowness to my answers, while my partner was very oblivious to the fact that my love was waning. My love gave his all to the relationship, while I could muster about 80% at best.
The cold, hard truth is that I was rejecting our relationship, slowly. As my mind had time to comprehend what our differences and likenesses were, my gut began sensing that something wasn't right. To keep the relationship going, I would pick fights with my lover, and I would force my opinions on him, threatening to break it off, hoping with a small ounce of myself that he would refuse. But my lover was young, so he failed to see this destructive behavior as anything but normal and healthy. That is why I am writing this entry today. I want our readers to understand that this behavior is and should be considered unacceptable. I want our readers to know the signs that I saw in an unhealthy relationship.

My Top 5 Signs You Are in a Relationship Going Nowhere:

1. The saying goes that you should always listen to your gut. I completely agree with this. Sometimes, though, I find it very difficult to determine whether my gut is doing the talking or if it's my own insecurities. Well, let me lay these thoughts to rest. While it is true that your gut is usually right, your insecurities can be a sign as well. If your insecurities are causing you angst and restless thoughts in any relationship, you need to separate yourself from what is causing your doubts and focus on unraveling them, perhaps with the help of a professional; this will, in turn, allow you to overcome your fears and insecurities, and you can move on with a healthy relationship. That's not saying the partner you're with is the one causing your insecurities to be heightened.

2. One thing that was prevalent in my relationship was that my lover was overly willing to change himself for me. Any time your partner is eager to change long held beliefs or desires to ensure you stay together, chances are higher that you are not in a healthy relationship. The relationship may seem happy at first, but how long do you think it will take before those things he/she changed rear their ugly heads again? It's not good practice to change yourself in the name of love, unless you choose to make a healthier change or consciously consent to accept that what you previously held true is no longer applicable. 

3. If you feel that your core values and beliefs do not work well with your partner's core values, the relationship will be much more difficult to sustain than if you find someone who already holds similar values. This isn't to say that it's necessarily unhealthy, but if you feel a heaviness in the air when you discuss these values with your partner and avoid talking about it, this is what I consider unhealthy behavior. I also feel that it is unwise to submit yourself to a waiting game to determine if these beliefs will change. This places an unfair expectation on you and your partner, and it also draws out something on the premise that it WILL happen.

4. You should never feel threatened by your partner. A healthy relationship should be built on mutual respect. If you are feeling superior or inferior to your partner, this can result in a power struggle. Do you ever feel jealous or even afraid of your partner? If you aren't sure if your relationship is based on fear or resentment, relationship counseling may be a good option for you. I feel that a relationship should stand firm in encouragement and positivity for one another.

5. Have you ever had a friend who you grew apart from because you were just in different places in life? This can happen in relationship, as well. If you aren't feeling completely committed to the person you are with, and you notice that your maturity levels don't coincide, it might be easier to move on at that point. I found in my own relationship that it was much more difficult to face a problem with my partner when he'd yet to experience anything similar. While he found it awkward to relate to, I had trouble accepting his reaction as a mature one. This caused us both to feel misunderstood. It's simpler, but not necessarily healthier, to date someone who has similar life experiences.

This is a list based on my own experience in dating. This is not a researched subject, other than what I found during my own struggle with an unhealthy relationship. I strongly suggest seeking counsel with someone who is unbiased and trained in counseling if you continue to struggle with a relationship that you don't want to break off.

Awkward Places/Times to Have a Bowel Movement

AWKWARD!

No matter how comfortable you are with your bodily functions, there are some places that just make it so awkward to have a really relaxed bowel movement. Sometimes it's the place; other times, it's the people. No matter what it is, it can be awkward for you, and for anyone else involved. In this post, we will be discussing the most awkward times and places to relieve yourself so you don't have people look at you like this:

Number 1: The Hotel Room Bathroom
Whoever you are with at the hotel will appreciate this listing. It is the most awkard place to take your morning poo because it's a bathroom within a bedroom. These bathrooms aren't known for their awesome ventillation, either, so you may want to squirt shampoo on the walls...or something, afterwards. Usually, even the most comfortable of partners don't appreciate the smell of your rosey dung. Besides, when there is only one bathroom in a room, you don't want to have a line form behind you while you enjoy your newspaper on the porcelain throne. A helpful tip for this occassion, try going to the bathroom in the lobby if at all possible.

Number 2: When you have someone in stalls on either side of you
We all know the sound. The little plop,plop. You know exactly what's coming. It's awkward for everyone. It's easy to recognize: the sudden silence after the sound- the perpetrator has come down with a case of anxiety. You can imagine what's running through his/her mind:
"Did they hear that?" "Maybe if I just hold it in, they'll leave." So how does this situation get even more awkward? Simple. By adding the fact that you have a person on either side of you. It is sure to clamp up that rectum like a frightened oyster. Why would anyone want to crowd around someone in this position? So before you choose the stall you wish to  make your move in, be sure to consider the possibilities. Ask yourself, "is this going to be too close to someone if they have to go?" "Am I going to be blocked in by two unsuspecting victims if I choose this stall?" Or if you are the one that blocks someone in, ask yourself, "if I choose this stall, am I going to make someone uncomfortable?" For those of you who choose the stall on the otherside of 2 locked doors, you're just setting yourself up for a world of "stank." You should've thought about that when there were 15 other stalls avaiable at the movie theatre or the public rest stop. Helpful advice, don't even think about using that empty stall next to someone when there are others available.

 Number 3: On the bus
It's true, we've  all (or most of us have)  done it. Sometimes, you just can't hold it. Even if you haven't done it as an adult, you probably did on a field trip when you were in third grade. No one holds it against you...except for the cool kids who sat in the back of the bus, so they could pick on the people in the restroom. Seriously, though: why did they sit there??? This one makes the top of the list for obvious reasons. I mean, you're stuck on a dingy old bus, you're having to balance yourself while you give back to the earth, and there are people right outside the door. Let's not forget the weird sloshy sound inside the toilet as the bus hits bump after ever-loving bump! It's just awful. So to avoid this mistake, do what your mother told you 20 odd years ago-go before you leave. If you can't do that, then you better just clamp that puppy shut and hope you don't get hemmorhoids.

Number 4: The Surprise Attack
Usually surprises are fun and exciting, if not a little annoying for some people. In this case, it's only the latter. Annoying, and even slightly awkward. When you're trying to do something, and the urge hits you like a ton of bricks, what  can you do? You just run to the bathroom and hope it doesn't break loose. This writer's advice? Never find yourself far from a clean bathroom, or at least know where the bathroom is in each place you frequent.



Number Five: After Eating Spicy Food
 Oh, yeah. You know what we're referring to. That itchy, burning feeling that comes from your anus as hot lava pours from your bum-that's not from the fiber bar you had for breakfast, son. Anything spicy can trigger it: Thai, Mexican, Cayenne Pepper, Tobasco Sauce, Jalepenos, etc. on your favorite dish. You can't help it that you love those things, but don't be surprised when the liquid fire burns a  whole through your digestive tract. You'll be asking yourself, "was that extra helping of Wasabi really worth it?" There is only one option to prevent this from happening. Don't eat spicy food, obviously.

Number 6: Beer Shits
When you drink too much, you can't help but get this bad case of the runs. It's not only the worst feeling hangover, ever; that sucker has to be accompanied by the most magnificently awful feeling upset stomach imaginable. You won't want to be away from the toilet very long with this one, guys. This poo is particularly awkward because you never know when it might start to hit. It could hit during the party, when you are discussing what you perceive to be high-esteemed politics with the stoned-out-of-her-ever-loving-mind, hot chick sitting beside you. You just never know. The best way to avoid this awkward scenario is to eat a lot of bread and drink a lot of water before you adventure into the world that is alcohol gluttony.

Number Seven: When Your Pet is Watching
This one is lower on the list because they're just animals...right?  It's not like that big brown-eyed mutt is judging the size of your...thighs, or anything. Nor could the beloved cat be sneezing at you because of your awful stench. No way, man. Just keep telling yourself that. It's still awkward. Best way to avoid this one is close the damn door.

The Shortest Post Ever

Why would you call vegetable soup "vegetable soup" if you put beef in it? That defeats the whole purpose. While the majority of the soup is, in fact, vegetables, it is misleading to state that this soup is full of vegetables. It'd be like calling tomato soup with noodles "tomato soup."
Just like chili with beans is NOT technically chili.

Lessons On Birth

We're having a baby, today.
The mother is a dear friend of mine, who had a rough childhood, with a former prosititute for a mother and a pervert for a father. It was no surprise when we found out she got pregnant by hooking up with a high school interest---though, we thought she was gay, so a bit of a surprise there.
Since she is a good friend, I decided I'd volunteer to be her support person. I'd go to the hospital and sit with her while the induction medicine was kicking in, working magic, and making baby stuff happen. Well, the problem is, I've never been one for birth. I don't care for children or their general raising. I'd rather not even think about anyone giving birth, so this was new for me. The good thing is I was well equipped with a background in being awkwardly funny.
So from my understanding, what happens is, well...a man and a woman partake in sexual pleasure to the point of producing sperm that attaches itself to the egg...and so forth-you know this part; it's the fun part. Ok, now for the less fun part. There's the conception. Not so bad. That's fine. But after that, there is the growing. The baby grows into a bundle of pulpy goodness, that eventually becomes a human form with fingernails, skin, and bones. It eats your insides as it grows and grows, til it becomes big enough that your body is like "I need to expel this lifeform within me!!" So your cervix starts preparing itself or something. And there's some bones that move around...all on their on. IT's like being possessed, only cuter, and people say, "you have a glow about you," rather than, "you don't look quite like yourself today." Of course, with pregnancy, you have the very clear sign of a baby bump. Anyways, so when your body is taking too long, or the baby is moving around too much (the case for my friend), they induce labor.
Induction sounds fun, right? I mean, in mathematics, it's just proving that a statement holds for all natural numbers by proving that the first statement in the infinite sequence of statements is true, and then proving that if any one statement in the infinite sequence of statements is true, then so is the next one. It's actually pretty easy. In pregnancy, it's not so easy. Not at all. I happened to walk in right after they'd begun this interesting procedure on my friend. She told me when I closed the door that the nurse had just finished the unpleasant process of sticking a filled balloon into her vag. Yay. That sounds like loads of...no, no it doesn't. Don't even lie to yourself. So what this balloon does is cause her to dilate, from what I was told. I don't know any of this for fact. It prepares her to shove a blood and mucus covered baby from her body into the world, where it is cold and really, really bright.

They had her hooked up to all kinds of monitors. They finally gave her some pain and nausea medication, so a few hours after I left she slept. Then, in the morning, they woke her up and got her ready for more madness. Her water was broken...which just sounds so gross. Like I can just picture a waterfall gushing forth from between her legs now. Great. Anyways, then they told her that she should be ready to have this thing around 7 hours later. I'm not sure if that's an adequate amount of time to shove a human out; nevertheless, that didn't happen. This baby was stubborn. So now they are going to do a C-section.
Now this is really gross in itself. It's where they cut the woman open, lay her organs out on display, and take the baby out by physical force. I don't know about you, but this sounds dangerous, kind of like a war scene. I'm pretty sure I watched a documentary about cannibals that did something similar to this process. Then, they stitch you up, and you recover for the next 2 months. Like, you can't pick up anything heavier than...well, the baby. Hopefully, though-if all goes well, we will have a boucing baby boy around 5 pm. :) And I will be a Grandpa.
I'm not sure what else to educate you all on in regards to birth. This is as far as I've gotten. Oh, but I did learn that a lot of women that give birth all natural describe the moment that the baby drops into position like a ring of fire "down there."  Interesting stuff.
happy pooping.

Engaging Engagment Photos

 So I was looking at engagment photos on Google images, because that's what people do-look at happy pictures to make life seem less dull, and I came across this gem. I love it when people take engagement photos with their animals because animals become part of the family, too. Now, you can argue all you want that animals have no feelings, and all that jazz, but if you have ever had a pet, you know the pain felt when that pet is no longer living; animals are companions, so when you lose one, it hurts. Hence, this picture made me laugh because the dog's face says: "Oh! I'm just so happy! I can't believe I'll be calling you Mom, soon...Mom! haha! I said it, and it felt so good. I love you both!"
 If I could explain why this one made me happy, it might offend some people. I've always found the renaissance-inclined people very fascinating...in an eccentric way. I just love the horribly overdone backdrop, the most. But hey, to each his/her own. I wonder how hard it was for the photographer not to burst into fits of laughter.
 Now, this is how you say "classy." I'm not sure if this is an engagement photo, but if I were getting pictures with my fiance, and he/she decided to take a piss outside, while the camera was rolling, I don't think I'd be as supportive of this.
 Not going to lie, these kind of pictures always freak me out. That grass looks super itchy, for one. Secondly, I don't trust bugs. These must be for super outdoorsy people. Which, obviously, my other half and I are not.
 The best part about this photo is that it was deemed "creative." Yes, chopping people's shoulders off is very creative. I hope it was just the sizing on the thumbnail was off; however, when I clicked on the image, it enlarged to the same-having no heads. I don't understand engagment photos with no faces. Is it supposed to be a mystery? Do they put these pics in their houses? Or maybe make blown up copies of the picture and let people stick their faces where faces are missing as part of a photo booth thing. That's becoming popular, now, to my understanding.
 As a nerd, I like nerdy things. This, however, is going a little too far. I think it's cute, but do they not realize that Darth Maul and Luke Skywalker would never engage in anything more than battle?? Not to mention, they forgot the double weilding light saber. Gah! There are just so many things wrong with this. It's a creative idea, but just plain inaccurate.
This one is cute and super sweet. I can't say I don't love a man in uniform, but I really love her dress...and the bench, and the tree, and everything. This picture just screams "I'm so excited we're getting married!!!"
Ok, that ends my pointless picture blog for the day. I love these. :)
Maybe it will give you some ideas of what to do or what not to do as far as engagement photos go.
Hope you enjoyed reading. Happy pooping.

Geriatric Girls Gone Wild

Readers, we have come to the age of incontinence, disorientation, and early bed times. That’s right, we are becoming elderly.  The other day, we were having one of our world-renown slumber parties, and we were having a blast. When 9:30 p.m. rolled around, though, we were quick to put on our pajamas and jump in bed. What’s worse is we barely talked-we just went to sleep! Now, there are plenty of reasons why this could have happened. I mean, we are working and waking up earlier. So why, then, did my significant other, and I pee our pants because we were laughing too hard the next day? Incontinence is no laughing matter.  Here is a surprising statistic, ladies:” Between the ages of 18 and 44, approximately 24% of women experience incontinence.” That is approximately a quarter of the population of women. One woman bravely gives her testimony on the matter, stating “At first I only noticed that I leaked urine when I was lifting something very heavy or when I coughed or sneezed. Over time, it got worse.” We have a lot to look forward to, ladies. 

Of course, we also have the disorientation. It is somewhat normal for someone to go into a room and completely forget why they were going there; however, it is less understandable when this type of thing happens multiple times, daily. For instance, at our slumber parties, my significant other will become suddenly wide-eyed and start asking what we were talking about. I forget where I am, sometimes. Often, we will find ourselves walking along busy highways, not sure how we got there.

These aren’t the only signs of our growing age. We have also become bad drivers that yell at other bad drivers for not driving properly. You know the ones? The ones that blindly pull into a lane, causing the car next to them to either slow down or move over to avoid being hit, yet they yell at the driver in the adjacent lane for not moving over sooner. “I had my blinker on!” Yeah, that’s us, now. Oh, and how about the fact that we don’t like driving at night. Not only is that past our bed time, it is also way too bright for our feeble eyes with all these new-fangled LED lights that Acura and a few other companies have begun using.

Another issue that is huge for us, is that music seems to be too loud at times. The other night, while getting ready to go to an early enough viewing of a movie so we would be in bed at a decent time, we were playing music when we decided that it was too loud and we continued to turn it down considerably. For everyone reading this, this is not OK! We are in our prime and music should be too loud. 


To give you a little history on us, so you can see how much our funness has declined, I will share what our weekends use to be like.

• Friday- Meet up around 6 and head to my other half's apartment, of course not before purchasing an unreasonable amount of alcohol. Once there, we would invite some guys over or go to a bar. Once we were in the company of the other sex we would play beer pong, or cards, or even dance. Once we were a few drinks in, we would invite our male friends to join us in some good ole' fun time...if you know what I mean. Once we had discarded the other gender we stay up until the wee hours of the morning drinking and making an obscene amount of noise.
• Saturday- We would sleep until about 1 pm and then grab some lunch. On some occasions we would go to the nearest wal-mart or grocery store to buy ingredients for our own culinary endeavors. Once we reached late afternoon we would basically repeat the previous night, but it would be 10 times crazier.

As you can see, we have declined greatly and have fell into a rut. Some people may say this is all apart of growing up, but to those individuals I would like to say "Screw YOU!!". You probably haven't sharted in your pants in the last week because of a sneeze.

Homemade Whirlpool Cuddling...

     As you all know, my other half and I went on an epic road trip this past weekend. Sounds innocent, right?  Absolutely not!  If you have been reading our blogs you know by now that when we are involved, nothing is innocent. It all started Friday night when the work week had ceased and we were free to the open road. We blared our fun playlists made for this special occasion and ate our Taco Bell with ease knowing that in just a short period of time we would be far away from any judgmental stares caused by our wailing, siren like voices and bean-induced flatulence.

     We arrived at our destination, and upon checking-in, we realized that the gentleman at the front desk was giving us weird looks. We concluded that he must have thought we were lovers due to our giggly, excited attitudes towards one another. In all honesty, we were excited because we never do anything exciting and this trip was so spontaneous for us, even though it took two months for us to plan it. The attendant handed us our keys to our bedroom on the third floor. We hoisted our bags onto our shoulders and headed for the elevators. These elevators were probably the slowest, creakiest hotel elevators either of us had ever been on. It took a whole ten minutes just to get to our room. Upon entering, we kicked off our shoes and released our baggage before collapsing onto our king sized bed-which resembled a size between a king and queen, if you ask me.

       Lying in bed, side by side, we suddenly noticed that there was a multitude of bugs in one corner. We discovered upon closer inspection that  our room was the lady bug  honey moon suite. There was a large cluster of the beautiful beetles in one corner of the closed window. Not sure how they got in, but they weren't unwelcome guests considering what else could have been in the room. We decided to investigate the whole room, just in case. The bathroom was spotless, other than some standing water in the tub. Everything looked great. We got our box of nerds, and we settled in for the night, flipping on some HGTV, and slept like the dead.

       Our plan for the next day consisted of going to a cave and possibly some other odd and end activities. However, after our adventure through the cave, all thoughts of activities went out the window and we returned to our room for a siesta. When we awoke from our nap it was time for our romantic reserved dinner. I mean, what's a best friend honeymoon without a romantic dinner? We arrived slightly early, due mostly to excitement. The meal was bland, but the entertainment was pretty good. After becoming exasperated with our waitress, we left the restaurant and began our search for the nearest packaging store because we had clear intentions of getting drunk off our asses. After all, when life has you down the best way to get back up is having a night of complete oblivion. Here I have to give some back story. We were both having some difficult times. Family members were sick, significant others were being douche bags, and work was becoming exhaustingly slow. That's why we needed a break; however, the drama followed us to the mountains, so we decided to numb the stress through consumption.

     Once we had our happy juice in hand, we were on our way to party it up at the hotel. We got to our room and because my other half was having relationship problems, we made an "angry break-up" playlist on the good ole' iPod. Because at this point we had already downed one or two glasses of a delicious tequila mixture, our playlist was somewhat irrelevant to our desired goal. I mean, since when is "Rape Me" from Nirvana relevant to a shitty move from your boy/girlfriend? (Other half here: it's related because s/he took everything from me! S/He raped me of my emotions!!! The real question is, when was that song by The Talking Heads added? That one still eludes my understanding.)

      After our playlist was done, we danced and we danced hard. We also procured scratches and bruises from our "hard" dancing due to our alcohol intake. Not to mention the falling into walls and off the bed- it was like a dirty dance video gone awry. After our impromptu dance party, we decided it was time for some drunk dialing. After all, there is nothing more flattering than getting a drunk call from someone. We called one of our dear friends, but unfortunately not much was remembered from that conversation. Afterwards, we started texting the evil girl/boyfriend who drove my other half to ingesting the devil's water.

     Within an hour and a half, our bottle of tequila was gone and we were jonesing for some water fun. We headed downstairs and tried our luck at getting into the hotel whirlpool. When we got down there, the whirlpool was closed; we then asked the front desk if the pool was open. Though it was about 45 degrees outside, we were determined to have some fun. Somehow, our deadened brain cells knew that the alcohol would keep us warm. Our joy was crushed when we found out the pool was closed as well. When we get back to the room I have a stroke of genius. We made our own whirlpool in the bathroom tub. By this time you have to understand that the whole bottle of tequila was now residing in our tummies, and our heads were in a complete fog. The fact that the bathtub was only as big as an ordinary house tub was irrelevant at the time. We stripped down (completely) and got in our homemade whirlpool. We splashed and laughed, but something was looming. My other half broke down in tears so I embraced her, not caring that we were both naked. That's what best friends are for, after all.

     Once we were out of the tub and had gotten half of our clothes back on, I heard a loud thud. Near the door, lying face down, was my poor friend. She had given in to our wild and crazy night as well as letting go of her dinner from earlier. As I traveled across the room I began to notice the floor was becoming closer to my face than it should. I then realized I was immobile on the floor before making it to the rescue of my friend. I continued to lay there for an unknown amount of time when I finally found the energy to move my legs. I got to my friend and urged her to the bed only for her to throw up again on the sheets. The next thing that is remembered is lying in a dark room and emptying my stomach on my side of the bed.

     The next morning, around 6:30, we both woke up to the unknown condition of our room and no memory of the previous night. When my other half began the search for her phone we felt as though we were in our own "Hangover" movie. We were very hesitant to go into the bathroom for fear there would be a tiger waiting for us. Once we were fully awake, I went to the refrigerator to grab a water and lo and behold, there her phone sat in the refrigerator next to her leftover salmon. She had two voice mails and a few texts from her boyfriend worried for our safety. We wondered how and why he knew we had been drinking. With further investigation we realized she had sent him texts claiming he was a "stupid haaaass" and that we were friends "forevah!".

      Around 7:30 am we decided to indulge in the free breakfast that was provided by the hotel, even though we still had a good amount of alcohol in our systems and we felt very rough. After a waffle, one serving of eggs, and about 5-10 pieces of sausage each, we decided to retreat to our room to put some of the pieces together. The room embodied the scent of tequila, puke, and shame. Our environment had yet to stop spinning and we were in no shape to drive home so we opted for a late check-out. Come noon, we could no longer tolerate the smell and packed our stuff. We left a nice tip for the housekeepers along with a note apologizing for the puke stains, the clogged tub, and horrible smell.

      There is the majority of our vacation for your eyes, only. Hope you enjoy our adventures...we sure didn't. Ok, that's a lie. We had a blast. We just can't remember most of it, and it cost us more than just our dignity. Hopefully you will learn a lesson from this story. Don't eat salad or salmon or ribeye if you plan on drinking a quart of tequilla afterwards. It'd probably be best to eat a lot of bread, instead. Anyways, maybe you just shouldn't drink to get wasted? That's what we learned. Next time, once again, we'll be going for slightly tipsy. HAHAHA!
Happy pooping, y'all! Come back, ya hear?
We're too gangsta to be hipsta. Love us.  :)