The Cave of VaChina and The One-Eyed Dragon Series (Part I)

     Once upon a time, there was a cave nestled at the bottom of the valley of VaChina, enclosed by two voluptuous hills, full of mystical wonders. Inside the cave, lived a miserly old witch that the villagers had unceremoniously named Ursula. In the cave, Ursula hid her wealth of jewels and riches from the distant village dwellers. When it rained one of the seven days out of a month known for showers, there would be a flood through the cave, often picking up rubies and depositing them on the shores of other lands. The witch was very cranky during these monsoons, casting evil curses on anyone daring to come close enough to tempt her anger.
     In the village lived a handsome, dark stranger named Claudius who worked in the mines, bringing great wealth to his people. All the ladies adored him, but there was a sense of danger engulfing his character. Inside his cottage, he kept many dark secrets, letting very little of his true power be known. His strong personality and mysterious behavior left every woman he came in contact with longing to know more. But he was never interested in the glances from the females; he was more concerned in the science and philosophical aspects of life. Little did his people know, he owned a wandering one-eyed dragon, which he had named Zeus. Zeus was his pet by many terms of the definition, but you could not tame something as wild as a fire-breathing beast. Often, he would stroke it, longing for a woman who could appreciate the pet's beauty and mystic powers.
     It was no wonder, then, that the young Claudius happened to stumble upon the cave of VaChina during one of the seasonal rainy days. Having been searching for the origin of the famed blood red rubies, he followed the advice of the village Elder. He traveled the swollen hills of VaChina, crossing into the fertile valley, til he came upon the witch, Urusla, along the river outlining the cave's entrance, catching her off guard. Her blue eyes, reflecting the river's rage from several day's worth of rain, captivated him. As she turned to flee, he called to her, "Ma'am! Where are you going? Don't be startled."
     She turned, glancing at his dirty hands and rugged jaw. "You ought not be here. This is my territory. Go home! Danger awaits you if you remain."
"I seek the cave of VaChina, where I have heard many treasures are hidden. Might you direct me to the cave before you run off," he replied, ignoring her warning.
"No! Go away! The cave which you seek is my own. If you do not leave at once, I shall be forced to cast a heinous curse upon you and your family." Ursula, unusually perturbed by this young man, turned once more to hide away.
"Alright. Then, I shall return tomorrow. Hopefully, your demeanor will be much improved with a change in weather." With that, he strode off back home. But he only made it as far as the hills before he had to make camp with nightfall.

Call Me Big Poppa

     Since Halloween is only a month away (yes, we're excited), we decided to visit our local haunted house. This was a special occasion since my other half has never experienced the thrill of people getting their jollies off by scaring people with trash cans and sticks. After much coaxing on my other half's behalf I finally convinced her to go. To accomplish this I had to make many promises that people would not touch us, nor would we encounter any free range rodents.

     Our journey begins after we ventured into Petco to buy an overpriced Elizabethan inspired cone so our dog would leave his ass alone. We left after our nutritious dinner consisting of water and chocolate cupcakes (gotta keep up our figures) and arrived around 7:15 pm to our final destination... muahaha!!! After buying our half priced tickets we proceed into the holding area where we were forced to watch "Army of Darkness". We attempted to procure some chairs, but every time a pair became available our indecisiveness allowed people to get them before we could. Finally, our letter was called and we descended into darkness until we were asked to stop by a white disposal can (maybe that's where they throw away the dead bodies). We were then given the ground rules and told to follow the paved road, somewhat resembling a gruesome version the yellow brick road.

       Since we were first in line, we lead a group of 50+ people into a smokey trail of doom. Also, as the leaders we were the first to encounter the trash can beater, in which he successfully received a yelp from me and my other half. Then we entered into a maze of hanging dead bodies and maniacs with a desire for blood...our blood. The problem was you can't scare someone who has a big goofy smile on their face. Because of our maniacal smiles they were more scared of us than we were of them, so they passed us by for easier prey. We made it through the maze quite easily by holding hands; until a horrific incident happened involving my other half's ear being accidentally raped by an actors tongue causing her to have a semi-orgasm.

         Now came the walk through the woods, in which we had to ask several employee's how to get there. When we finally made it to the entrance gate as we were being given our next set of directions, one of the mentally unstable actors crossed the boundaries of personal space for an extended amount of time...and just all around being creepy. Then off we led our new set of troops into the woods of the unknown. Mostly it was just dark and hard to see when someone would jump out at us. But that didn't stop our troop from screaming when the guy crawled out from under the bus, causing us to almost kick him. Next we came upon a hanging where we were asked if we would like to volunteer to be next "little girls" and I replied "only if I can call you big poppa" and i'm still not sure if he heard it, but it made us giggle causing our group to respond by saying "why aren't they screaming?" The woods were pretty clear after that, until we got to what appeared to be a random corner of a wall, where a man jumped out and ended up coincidentally sticking his groin right in my perfectly cupped hand. After apologizing profusely for sexually assaulting him, we proceed blindly onto a bridge to a house where they had apparently not paid the utilities. Not only was it smelly, it was very dark and damp. Not to mention, the painters were obviously geographically challenged. The arrows pointing us where we needed to go were backwards, so my other half called out "Which way do we go?" to which a ghoul replied "the opposite way of the arrows." Little did he know the last arrow led to a wall. However, a man in a white coat was quick to show us the correct way, while maintaining his terrifying facade. Upon exiting, we found ourselves faced with a guy who gave us a half-hearted growl (which we scolded him for), and we entered the carnival of birthing. We were ushered into dark, plastic wrapped slide, where we had no idea what we were supposed to do and I got stuck because my burlap sack came out from under me. To reposition myself, I had to situate myself in the birthing position, like I was being examined by the damned vaginacologist! What the hell? So, here I am, squatted on the slide while people are walking up the stairs next to the slide and my other half is flying past me, probably wondering why I'm just sitting in the middle of the slide. And you know what made it worse? After my semi- exam, we were directed into a big top maze where I was assaulted by clowns! My biggest fear, imagine that! Luckily, it didn't take long before me and my fellow leader found our way out. Of course, we were directly pushed through what can only be described as a white, blood stained, birthing canal, full of air and lots of people. It was quite awkward, to say the least.

         Overall, the experience was unforgettable, and we have determined that going again this year is a priority. We may take more people, though. The best part was the factory simply because the layout was better. The actors were much more convincing, other than a few who made unnatural noises that were not so much scary as sexual. One thing I would suggest all haunted houses take into consideration is that your guests probably don't know which way to go. The directions should be pretty clear, or you should have a guide to direct them. Also, having a portion outside, you should consider your guest's safety. There are a lot of tripping hazards in the dark, so make sure you clear it out very well.  We had such a great time, though! It wore us out, so now it is bed time, because we are getting to be old grandmas. The smallest amount of excitement kills our stamina like Raid kills roaches.
                                 

 Happy pooping, all. And to all a good night. 

Happy haunting. MUAHAHAHA!

Warning: This May Contain Offensive Material

If you are a homosexual sociopath, don't read this. My intention is not to offend.

                Let me begin by stating that I hate no one, and this is not a reflection on my other half (just me). This blog post is not to discuss my political views on either the subject of sociopaths or homosexuals; although, I fear, at some points it may be necessary. Maybe I should just start off by assuring you that I once had a homosexual affair? Ok, so now that the cat's out of the bag, so to speak, let's begin this post.
               My S.O. has told me he wants kids. Normally, women our age are jumping at the chance to pop one of those cute little bundles of shit out. Not me! Do you want to know my biggest fear as far as babies go? I'll tell you. It isn't that he/she may come out mentally handicapped, or even physically handicapped. I think I could handle either of those scenarios; perhaps not with ease, but with help, surely. No. My biggest fear is that my baby will exit the womb a homosexual sociopath. It doesn't help that his/her mother has a deep set attraction to the female body. Nor does it help that his/her mother enjoys some incidents of pain. Maybe I'm being melodramatic, right? I mean, everyone enjoys a little pain, correct? It's what lets us know we are living. But still. The thought lingers in my skull like a fly hovers over a roadkill carcass.
                 So the implications of this fear suggest a sort of homophobism. This is not true, at all, though. I am not afraid my child will be homosexual. I am afraid of the conflict that comes with the child being homosexual, knowing that both my S.O.'s and my own family might not accept that in their own grandchild. I don't even know that I would accept it. More likely, I would just ignore it. I don't like sticky situations, so it might come to my child and I never discussing it, making things worse. But, over all, I think I could handle the homosexual possibility. The added sociopath part is where my deepest concern lies. What does a homosexual sociopath entail? I mean, what is the worst that could happen? Well, my own mental depiction goes something like this:
              It is a dark and foggy night in London. The streets are empty save for the yellow streaks of moonlight and deep shadows looming in the alleyways. A man (or woman) leans against the corner of an abandoned brick loft, just out of the pool of light cast by a lone street lamp. Then you hear the click, click of someone's shoes approaching. From the sound of their footfalls, it can be assumed that the person is in a hurry. The streetlight catches the man/woman's figure. He/she is not a particularly handsome person, but he/she will do for the night. He/she carries a leather briefcase, wears a finely pressed pantsuit, hugging his/her figure to perfection.

              The man (or woman) hiding in the shadows takes this person's inattentive behavior as a moment of truth. "This is the one." He/she follows the unsuspecting victim for a block. The mist is rising off the street, as the asphalt warms the cool night air. Vic (the abbreviated form of victim, given to the man or woman soon to be overtaken) stops to light up a cigarette.  "Wonderful timing!" He/she slips his/her arm around Vic's neck and places a hand over his/her mouth,then drags Vic into the alleyway. Taking the cigarette, he/she takes pleasure in placing the cherry against Vic's polished skin. Vic yelps, giving my son/daughter a tingly warm feeling in his/her loins, causing him/her to do the Hannibal Lector "sipping sound."

(Courtesy of watching too many movies.)

              Ok, so you get the picture. It doesn't end well. :( See why it is so difficult for me to want to have children?? Is this a totally insane thought; have I just read too many Mary Higgins Clark and James Patterson novels? Or is this a legit fear? I mean, it'd be one thing if it were one or the other. Of course, the sociopath part in itself is just plain scary! So why does my mind put the two together? I honestly hope this doesn't offend anyone. I am not making this fear up, and I am certainly not lying that I have no fear of my child being simply homosexual. But the two together just seems terrifying. Maybe I am the one that needs help.
           Another example of Google's ineptitude: I Googled homosexual sociopath, and this image was among the top ten.

Scary, right?

I Have An Ice Cream In My Pocket...

                             

In life, it is important to set goals for yourself so as not to become bored with life or acquire a melancholy disposition. In setting these goals you should remember to keep them flexible, but you should also make them to your own standards. It is never good to have goals set too low for your own life because then you aren't really achieving anything; however, setting the goals too high can lead to disappointment and pain. Here, I have compiled a list of my other half and my common goals. Hopefully, you will find it not only enlightening, but useful for setting your own goals.

Goal 1: Get a fabulous job.  While professional blogging seems to be a natural choice for us, because we’re so damned good at it, other career paths seem more lucrative considering our master skills. I’m sure we can continue the blog even after we find jobs that cater to our abilities more thoroughly, since you guys just love our blog so much. I mean, we are already at a whopping THREE followers! That is just INCREDIBLE! Keep up the good feedback, friends.  Really, you guys are our life. However, healthcare seems to be more of a common theme in our friendship. Both of us enjoy helping people, and making money. Maybe we will own an institute for psychiatric patients, one day. We can trick it out at Halloween and invite all of the high schools in our area to come tour it…in the dark!

Goal 2: Marry men…separate men. Yes, I do realize that we come off a little strong with our “other half” stuff. And while most men can’t handle women that know exactly what they want in life, we’ve had some luck with the dating scene. There was that one guy that honked his horn at us while we were crossing the street, on a “do not cross” signal. That’s always a good sign, right? We definitely want the men to be separate, unless they are conjoined twins. That would be really interesting. Then my other half would have to take my advice and move in with me and my husband as our “later-to-be nanny”! How exciting! Of course, I did offer her and her S.O. a suite of their own, and that’d be rather difficult to do with a conjoined husband twin. Well, needless to say, we’re still looking. And that brings us to the next goal.

Goal 3: Move out of Mom’s basement. The rent is fantastic here, but we sure would like some privacy. Mom likes to barge in on blogging time with milk and cookies. NOT ACCEPTABLE! A sense of privacy is conducive for an uprising blog (seriously, nearly 400 views in 3 months). Also, we will have the utmost comfort at our new place(s) because we can sit around in our “slumber party attire.” Who wouldn’t want that?

Goal 4: Learn a new language. This is my favorite because, well, I chose it. Learning new phrases in other languages is very important.  One very common phrase I have picked up over the years is “Me tango un gelado en mi bosillo” which, translated, becomes “I have an ice cream in my pocket.” You never know when you might need that one on hand when visiting Mexico. Also, I’d like to learn “where is the lion going” in Hungarian. All kinds of common phrases you might need in other countries would be useful. So maybe this goal is changing as we speak. This goal has now become Learn new phrases in another language. There are plenty of uses for that. Next thing you know, we may find our next career path is interpreting for royal ambassadors visiting the U.S.A. Never know!

Goal 5:  Own a helicopter. If we owned a heli, do you know how easy it would be to get to our goal jobs every day? Well, let me assure you it would be easy; especially if it’s with a hospital. Then we could land on the roof and take the elevator/ hovercraft to our desired floor! Not to mention the travel potential. You know what? Scratch this goal. We want a JET!

Goal 6: Travel to majestic places in our Jet...like New Jersey! No, just kidding. We have a desire deep in our loins to travel this beautiful world. I think the correct term is wanderlust. Like a colon impacted with poop, we are stuffed full of wanderlust. Our dream is to pack up a 60's VW van and travel until our little our hearts are content. Or at least, our bellies are full of new foods.

Goal 7: Have kids. Well, my other half wants to have kids. Not me. Well, I take that back. I will take kids, but for the simple fact that I want to own the world one day and “tengo en mi bosillo.” What better way to achieve this goal of world domination than to have little mini me’s running around? Of course, they’d probably gain my S.O.’s unfaltering good nature. Damn! Ok, so the best reason for each of us to have 10 children, other than having things to do our laundry and cooking FOR us, is that we can have them hang out and become close friends like we are. THEN WE TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!

So as you can see, goals can change in an instant. Goals are tangible, and are only meant to reflect your personal self, not what others expect of you. Of course, you may disagree. That’s the whole point of this blog, though: to show that everyone has a different opinion. This post shows that everyone has different goals. You probably won’t have similar goals to us, like Owning a Jet. What would YOU need a jet for? You’re not going to rule the world, so a simple hatchback will suffice for you.

To Be A Winner

For those of you graduating soon, this is a little advice from experience

      With the economy being a Debbie Downer, it is important to keep your head held high and your goals set lower. Students graduating college seem to think that with a bachelor's degree comes a 5 or even 6 figure salary. Reality check says...ERH! No. There are way too few jobs out there for you to come out smelling like roses. If you don't want to put a little hard work in the mix, you probably won't get very far, unless you are just that smart. Even if you do make it by being smart, typically, lazy people don't last long. The way to get to the salary you want, with a degree, is to follow this simple process.
       First, you must stay positive about yourself. With an influx of negative emails regarding your recent applications, you may start to feel like you are not as good as what you originally thought. Of course, you'd be right if you thought you were just going to step off the train and land on the tracks. No, what do you do first when you get off a train? You step onto the loading platform, right? Same thing with finding a job. You are still just as smart and good at what you do, you're just applying to the wrong places or for the wrong type of job.
        Secondly, you have to lower your expectations. If you go in thinking you are a big shot, they are going to turn you down as soon as they see that you have no professional work experience. If somehow you do have professional work experience, then you are doing better than most; this paragraph does not necessarily apply to you. For the majority of us spoiled college kids, that never even got an internship because we just wanted to get through school, well, you can't expect to get the mid-level position...or hardly even the entry-level position.
         This brings me to the next thing, if you can find one that caters to graduates as well as undergrads, try for an internship, not necessarily within your field. Just apply for some that apply to you. That will give you some viable work experience as well as allowing you to form a connection. Job shadowing, volunteer work, fellowships, etc. are all good ways of gaining experience as well. However, I am going to tell you the best way to get in without all of that. Some of us just don't make it in time for these type things. While I do suggest going for the volunteer work no matter what you do (any long gaps in unemployment tend to look bad on yourself), I definitely think you should just work your way up. Aside from getting a higher degree (costing you way more money), this seems to be the best option. Don't go into an application thinking you will get the high paid job. Just go for the desk job that requires you to be around the people you want to work for. There will be plenty of opportunity for you to advance within the company. If there isn't, then you probably don't want to work for them, anyways.

Don't Be Discouraged

Forty-year-old virgins, this post is for you! 

    We were watching Taboo last night, and the featured man was a forty-year-old virgin. From what he said, it all began when he was young. He was a virtuous believer in Jesus Christ, and followed his church's desire to be abstinent until marriage. It was even said that he and his friends were proud of their virginity and often bragged about it. As he got older, he dumped the church, but he wasn't able to recover his sexuality. To conquer his fear of sexual beings, he went to a strip club. It caused him such great discomfort that he fled from the dark, dank space, and had to seek counseling. This man's predicament got me thinking. If you want to conquer your fear of a woman's body, you should not go out in public to do so. The strip club is not the best place to find a woman who will help you. Well, she may help you, but it may be more traumatic than helpful. I decided that the best way for a terrified virgin to get his/her cherry popped is to find someone willing to assist with that, patiently.
     In life, it is important to find a sex partner who is patient and eager to please. It is especially important when you are a virgin. The thing is, sex is just being constantly tossed in our faces by media. It's no wonder virgins feel afraid to try it for the first time. There is constantly some new sex tip being advertised. What if you aren't good in bed?? Don't worry about that! Just find someone who is willing to work with you on finding what you're good at in bed. Someone that is willing to do what ever it takes to get you out of your shell and into the sheets. Once you find someone that you can trust, that appreciates you for more than your body and sex appeal, you will be more open to learning the tricks of the trade.

 

    Make sex a fun adventure. It's not a walk in a dark, scary wood. I mean...not from personal experience. Don't be afraid of the monsters in the bed, because once you find that special someone, your tugbug or rubtub is in for a real treat! Sex can be such a wonderful experience your first time, if you take it slow. If your partner is trying to rush you into having sex and you aren't ready, it's going to be less than fun.
    Another thing I noticed from Taboo, the guy went on a speed date, and he asked every girl if she would have sex with him if she knew he was a virgin. Ok, the error was mentioning sex on the first date. I assure you that as soon as the word "sex" was mentioned, the girl tuned everything else out. Then, she started over analyzing why he asked about "sex." "What would we do on the second date?" "He must not be interested in my personality." It is a sure way to get turned down, guys. Now, as for women, you don't have to worry about that. If you mention that you are a virgin, I guarantee that the likelihood of your speed date thinking, "Yes, I can fix that for you ;)" is very high. It's not true for all guys, but don't hold your breath for the one that thinks, "She's not interested in my personality. I'm out of here." However, it's best to avoid this predicament because you may get someone who expects sex from you. If you are a terrified virgin, you don't want this situation; it will mean he may lose interest when you explain that you said, "I need someone patient because I am afraid to have sex." See the dilemma?

    You also don't want to find a partner that wants to experiment, so purchasing services from an unknown source is not a good idea. I know, I know. It sounds like a good idea. If you are interested in doing it anon. you probably should try phone sex, first. If you get an actual person to come to your house, it's probably going to end up kinky. Too kinky when you don't know what you're doing. It's safe to say it's better to steer away from services you have to pay for. However, if you are determined, there are sites out there for people with special needs in the bedroom. Just try Google; I'm not going to bother searching them for you. My vote is consistently with finding someone who loves you enough to take good care of your body. ;)
    This may not be this best advice blog you have read. It wasn't supposed to be. Just know that you are not alone. If you need someone, you can always use yahoo chat. There are tons of inexperienced sex perverts on there that would love to give you a slow strip tease. And another plus is if you can't stand it, you can just exit out of the window!! But anyways, just try to stay positive. When it is time for you to relinquish your body to a lover, you will know. It will hit you like it hit Steve Carell in that movie "40- year-old Virgin," which is where I got most of my information for this blog...aside from last night's episode of Taboo. Hope you have gained some insight from us, as well. At least, I hope you enjoyed reading. Happy Pooping, you guys!

   

The Closer Than Close Friendship

  You know that friend that you have done so much stupid stuff with, you just can't imagine not being friends with her/him? Well, we have a story that trumps all stupid stories, ever. I'm pretty sure this constitutes as a crime it was so stupid. The beginning of this post will be slightly scary, so bear with us. At the end, we will give you a shot of "feel good" juice.
   The first year that we met, we became very close friends; but not in the usual sense. We didn't bond over simple things like barbie dolls and cute shoes. NO, we were forced together through a series of events that took place over a single evening in our lives. So, New Year's Eve rolled around. This is a big holiday for college students. It gives them the necessary means to party, including friends with alcohol. There were two parties we were invited to, by two totally different types of people. We had no way of knowing what lay ahead.
   The first party was a typical family type party, where the strongest drink available was Pinot Grigio...which we were banned from touching due to events at a party a few months earlier that provided uncomfortable snuggle partners and the mocking of a porcelain Santa ornament as we passed out. Besides, we were planning on driving an hour to drop in at the second party, that would later bring us closer than ever imagined. The games at the first party were easy going, but the girls were in "bitch" mode (presumably because their boyfriends found us more interesting), so we ended up leaving earlier than planned. But not before we consumed some delicious chili and chicken sandwiches.
   On our way to the second party, we partook in some exciting road trip music and dancing. And of course, we made road trip videos to catalog our trip, after all this was a memorable night. Not before calling our mom, who told us "don't do anything stupid...like drinking and driving." Once more, we were on the road again! We saw several cop cars interspersed; we even passed through a road block. The cop did not seem too concerned as to why two college kids were driving an hour away from the address listed on my driver's license. Nothing suspicious about that at all.
   We arrived at the second party, unscathed, and beer-less. The host was very generous, though considering our lack of bearing any fun juice. As soon as we walked in, she asked if she could make us a mixed vodka drink. We were obliged to accept, since we were planning on staying overnight, as per Mom's instructions. Once we got the first drink in our systems, we braved the party-goers and the rest of the night came easily. An invitation was extended to us to participate in a friendly game of beer pong. I remember drinking most of the beers due to my other half beating the shit out of me, but I could be wrong. After the first round, I was in desperate need of a sit down, and so was my other half.
   I decided to step outside for some fresh air, and also down some cancer sticks with friends. We sat on the porch swing and watched more and more drunk people pour in...all of this as the beer pong went to our head. My other half clumsily joined us on the porch to express her love for anything that was in sight. There were words exchanged with several guys, and a second round of drinks were brought to us on the porch. Nothing was unusual. However, when we went back inside approximately an hour later, things were getting very hazy. The last thing I remember was watching an exciting game of waterfall, when suddenly, I was being lifted off the couch. I puked vodka and orange soda all down the front of the host's outfit. Needless, to say she was not happy. She left me in her cousin's care; he washed me up and got me in some extra clothes he had at the house, then laid me on a mattress in the guest bedroom. My other half soon followed with the assistance of a few men. We were both in and out of what we were later told was called alcohol black outs.
    The next morning, we were awakened by glaring sunlight coming from a window behind our heads. We looked at each other in horror over the host's cousin's head, who had apparently fallen asleep between us. You know how people joke about finding their child has pooped on the walls, and they are struck with terror as they look along every surface of the bathroom to find feces? Well, we had a similar reaction as we discovered there was chunks of chili colored throw up on the walls around the bed, as well as on the carpet. Imagine Linda Blair...times ten. Very disgusting I know. Also, turns out there was not just one guy in the bed, there were two! And not the attractive kind, but the kind you would rather chew your arm off rather than wake them. We had fit four people in a full size bed. Due to the crowded bed, my poor other half awoke to find her body pressed against this puke covered wall.
   We got up and put clothes on; then, we proceeded to the bathroom for a short clean up before making our exit. However, as we crossed the hallway to the bathroom, we realized it would be impossible to make our escape without the host knowing. We got cleaned up and went to the living room where the host was cleaning up other people's mess. She gave us a brief description of what happened during our blackout:
   Apparently, what happened was we were laid on the guest mattress and given a throw up can...but not before my other half fought the people dragging us to the bedroom, causing her to break a glass coffee table and rip a socket out of the wall with her leg (yes, the leg was cut up pretty badly). After we were put in cleanish clothes and laid in bed, our help left. When someone returned to check on us, we had thrown up all over the bed, and were basically rolling around in chili vomit. Remember, we are blacked out, so we have no idea what is going on. The next time the help returns, we have a male in the bed, passed out next to us, and I am using him as a body pillow. The guest mattress being the only other bed in a quiet room left, the help gets in the bed too. That night, we ended up ruining a living room area rug, a glass coffee table, a power outlet, a bathroom rug, and several pairs of clothes, plus the sheets we slept on. Needless to say, we tried to help out with some of the cleaning, but we were pretty much useless because we were feeling very drugged.
    I'd like to pose the question that we have had for some time about this party. Now, we didn't really drink that much compared to what we had drank before, so why did we feel so drunk so quickly? There were several party-goers there with drugs on them, though the host denies it. We have a strong feeling that we were drugged at some point during the night. But to make matters easier to live with, we will just say we got wasted. 
 

Why Do You Need These?

A list of products that don't make sense...
 

 I chose this image, especially, because it adequately summarizes the real purpose behind the shake weight. A man must have designed this for amusement purposes. Ok, so I understand wanting to tone up that excess arm flab. That's totally legit. However, why go spend $20 on a product that you can get for free? If you haven't picked up on my meaning, I'll lay it out there for you. The Shake Weight is probably the most R rated product I have ever seen. It looks like you are practicing for a career in hand jobs. Please, if you buy a Shake Weight, don't do what this poor woman has done; just stay behind closed doors, and save your pride, ladies and gentlemen.

This just seems desperate. Who on Earth is going to see you with this towel wrapped around your midsection? I suppose if you are at the gym showers, or prison. Somehow, I fail to see the likelihood of your gym pals thinking, "Gosh, that guy sure is hilarious!" More likely, they will think "that's probably the only action that guy is getting. PAHAHAHAHA!!"

Well, ladies, I just don't think this one deserves much of an explanation. Whoever came up with this is obviously not getting laid. Wearing a thong is supposed to be about sex appeal, so if you are wearing a diaper along with that sexy black lace piece of string, you should go ahead and forget about the date you have lined up for that night. As if pads weren't uncomfortable enough, this product makes them even more uncomfortable by placing them on the one piece of underwear that is known to cause massive wedgies, internationally....Take that Mother Nature. Seriously, just wear a damn tampon, and stop with the madness!

This woman is obviously practicing her camouflage skills. Perhaps for the Hunger Games? Zebra stripes do not make you look mysterious. Rather, you look like you are preparing for a jungle safari. No, but really. When did it ever become so difficult to put on eye shadow that women needed fake tattoos to feel beautiful? If you are going to choose to purchase these ungodly lazy products, please keep it in a natural hue. I'm willing to bet that getting those stickers on just perfectly takes a lot of trial and error...error that I, for one, am not willing to make.

Check out how EASILY this thing cracks that egg. As if it was so difficult to crack an egg. Please. If you don't know how to crack an egg without this device, you shouldn't be cooking. Think about all the time you would waste getting the egg into that...that...contraption! It looks like a torture device!

This is one of my favorite useless products. I saw them for the first time on Jack Nicholson in "The Bucket List." You can read while laying flat! Not like it was impossible to do that before these glasses were invented. Maybe these are for paralysis patients? Her posture looks very uncomfortable. I can't imagine reading laying down would be any more comfortable than propping yourself up on some fluffy pillows. You know, they invented a pillow just for that? The study buddy...truly an ingenious invention.

This looks very uncomfortable for the animal, does it not? Just imagine how you would feel if a plastic bag was tied to your anus. While it does seem infinitely better than having to pick up wet dog poop with a plastic bag and your hand, I can't see the appeal of having to walk my dog with a plastic bag tied to his butt. Must be humiliating for both parties. It sort of looks like an accident waiting to happen, anyways. I have to wonder if removing the bag after fill up is as easy as they make it sound. 

  

 I threw this in the mix just for shits and giggles. It must be the male version of the Shake Weight. Really...just look at the guy on the left's concentration! He is VERY motivated. ;)

This is for you big busted men and women. For a peaceful night's sleep, you just place this bad boy directly between your cleavage. Imagine, if you will, you are laying next to your loved one, preparing for a restful sleep with your titty buddy in place. What a lovely picture. If the shape wasn't bad enough, I'm sure the pinching from the plastic will surely get you down. As a well endowed woman, I can ensure you that sleeping on your side is not as painful as having a plastic cylindrical object between your boobs.

 This one tops the cake, surely. That baby definitely DOES NOT look like he/she is suffocating. Mom's snuggie fits snugly around baby's head, providing both mother and child a warm surrounding. This is the perfect product for taking walks on crisp winter mornings, allowing Mom to take her baby with her everywhere: the park, the grocery store, the mall, the strip club, ice fishing, everywhere! Just look how happy your baby will be. :)

      
       Ok, that sums this blog up, for now. If you have seen interesting, unusual, lazy, ridiculous products, please share them with us! We'd love to give you some commentary. I do want to apologize if this blog offended any one. It was not intended to be offensive, only humorous. Please, keep an open mind when reading. Leave us some commentary, if you please! :) We appreciate our readers. Keep it real, and always happy pooping. 

Swallow This Diction

           Lilly is an eccentric word person. She enjoys the taste on her tongue when certain words are issued between open mouths by pressing the tongue to the roof of the mouth and expelled from moistened lips. Word choice is everything when writing. The way to create an interesting sentence is by choosing words that feel right. Using placeholder words too often can create a journalistic feel, but using unnecessarily loaded words creates an arrogant tone.Tonight we give you an alphabetical list of words that are not used frequently but sound absolutely delicious.

1. Anomy- Alienation and purposelessness experienced by a person or a class as a result of a lack of standards, values, or ideals
2. Ballyhoo- Sensational or clamorous advertising or publicity
3. Creatress- She who creates
4. Deosculate- To kiss affectionately or warmly
5. Efflorescence- A bursting forth or flowering (but pathologically, a rash or eruption on the skin)
6. Fatiloquence- Telling of the future; soothsaying
7. Gyration- Circular or spiral motion
8. Humdinger- One that is extraordinary or remarkable
9. Iconodulist- A person who worships images
10. Jingoism-  Extreme nationalism characterized especially by a belligerent foreign policy; chauvinistic patriotism
11. Kenesis- Movement or activity of an organism in response to a stimulus such as light
12. Lecherous- Given to excessive indulgence in sexual activity
13. Moiety-  A share or portion
14. Nascence- A coming into being; birth
15. Opulence- Great abundance; wealth, affluence
16. Primordial- Being or happening first in sequence of time; original
17. Quirk- A peculiarity of behavior; an idiosyncrasy
18. Rhapsodic-  Immoderately impassioned or enthusiastic; ecstatic
19. Sapid- Pleasing to the mind; engaging
20. Titillate- To stimulate by touching lightly; tickle
21. Undulation- A regular rising and falling or movement to alternating sides; movement in waves
22. Vulpine- Cunning; clever
23. Wanderlust- A very strong or irresistible impulse to travel
24. Xyster- A surgical instrument for scraping bones
25. Yearn-  To have a strong, often melancholy desire
26. Zeal-  The fervor or tireless devotion for a person, cause, or ideal and determination in its furtherance

And that concludes the sensuous list of words A through Z. Some were more difficult to find a climatic word, so please forgive the lack of drool stimulus. Hope you find a way to use these succulent words in every day happenings, just to feel them roll off your acquisitive tongues. Feel free to leave some of your own words as comments. :) Happy pooping, all. 

True Love...

It seems that every teenager around the world has the SAME idea of what true love is. I recently read a tweet regarding true love: "True love is when you shed a tear and still want him when that tear hits the ground" @damnitstrue. May I please just call bull shit on this one? I mean, seriously. Your love is based on the power of a single tear? Idiots. While I do agree that true love requires commitment, I fail to see the love in shedding a tear. Maybe if he is comforting you during a sad time...I don't know. I just fail to see the connection in true love and tears. Let's start off with my view of true love.
True love to me involves devotion to one another. It requires commitment in more meaningful ways than a single tear could account for. When one partner has lost sight of why he/she fell in love in the first place, the other must remind him/her by being supportive but firm. Ladies, if your man is saying you are fat and he wants a divorce...maybe you shed a tear, but you still want him. The sign of true love, though, is saying "well, you ain't exactly the icing on the cake, yourself. Maybe we can start working out together and see who is sexiest, then." It will give you something to bond over, and allow you to remember the team work involved in a functioning marriage. If your man says "I can't take this anymore," you ask "So you think you can take it with some other woman?" The goal is to make him realize he'll have to learn another woman's habits and live with her flaws just like he has with you. The best sign of true love, in my opinion, is just realizing that neither of you is perfect. Actually, it has been proven that everyone has his/her flaws. The goal in finding true love is to find someone who best compliments your own flaws. For instance, I found a guy who completes me by being understanding and patient...neither are qualities that I possess. Also, ladies, if you have low self esteem, don't go for the guys with the perfect bodies. Look for the nerdy guys who are desperate to find a great woman, not someone who looks like a super model and acts like the perfect house wife. Basically, don't set yourself up to fail. True love is about making sacrifices, also. Sometimes, your significant other may be the very person that provokes change in your lifestyle. Don't take this out of context. I am not saying in any way that you should search for someone that changes who you are. Rather, search for someone who makes you want to be a better person. It is one thing if he wants you to be a homemaker when you are obviously an independent, working woman; it is quite another if when you are with him, you feel like you need to quit smoking, or maybe be more understanding (as is my case). Sacrifice does not mean that you should give up your social life, but maybe change the amount of social life or type of social life. Don't put your guy in uncomfortable situations, but don't accept someone who doesn't fit your lifestyle at all. For example, if you are a very social person, and you enjoy going to big parties, don't settle for a guy who is overly shy or introverted. This seems like a great way to end your relationship quickly. True love is about being similar but completely different all at once. True love is about recognizing your differences and learning to cope with them appropriately. True love is about working things out when you know with others, you would just rather end things. But most importantly is recognizing the fact that you are a flawed human being, and knowing that your partner's flaws were something you decided you could live with.
Now, let's go back to the teenage fallacy of true love. True love is not about tears. True love is about sweat and perseverance. True love is not about who you want to have sex with...because for teens, that is just about everyone. Teenagers are scientifically proven to have a higher sex drive these days, so anything they write about true love should immediately be discounted to hormones and testosterone. Just use common sense when dealing with love. A tear drop is no way to measure love, in my opinion. Not everyone is the same, though, so it is important not to make generalizations. Therefore, do not take this blog as truth, just personal insight. However, I think it is safe to say that trusting teens' love quotes is a bad idea. haha! Anyways, that is all I have to say 'bout that.
Thank you for reading, and feel free to leave a comment.
Happy pooping! :)
Stay inappropriate.