Our journey begins after we ventured into Petco to buy an overpriced Elizabethan inspired cone so our dog would leave his ass alone. We left after our nutritious dinner consisting of water and chocolate cupcakes (gotta keep up our figures) and arrived around 7:15 pm to our final destination... muahaha!!! After buying our half priced tickets we proceed into the holding area where we were forced to watch "Army of Darkness". We attempted to procure some chairs, but every time a pair became available our indecisiveness allowed people to get them before we could. Finally, our letter was called and we descended into darkness until we were asked to stop by a white disposal can (maybe that's where they throw away the dead bodies). We were then given the ground rules and told to follow the paved road, somewhat resembling a gruesome version the yellow brick road.
Since we were first in line, we lead a group of 50+ people into a smokey trail of doom. Also, as the leaders we were the first to encounter the trash can beater, in which he successfully received a yelp from me and my other half. Then we entered into a maze of hanging dead bodies and maniacs with a desire for blood...our blood. The problem was you can't scare someone who has a big goofy smile on their face. Because of our maniacal smiles they were more scared of us than we were of them, so they passed us by for easier prey. We made it through the maze quite easily by holding hands; until a horrific incident happened involving my other half's ear being accidentally raped by an actors tongue causing her to have a semi-orgasm.
Now came the walk through the woods, in which we had to ask several employee's how to get there. When we finally made it to the entrance gate as we were being given our next set of directions, one of the mentally unstable actors crossed the boundaries of personal space for an extended amount of time...and just all around being creepy. Then off we led our new set of troops into the woods of the unknown. Mostly it was just dark and hard to see when someone would jump out at us. But that didn't stop our troop from screaming when the guy crawled out from under the bus, causing us to almost kick him. Next we came upon a hanging where we were asked if we would like to volunteer to be next "little girls" and I replied "only if I can call you big poppa" and i'm still not sure if he heard it, but it made us giggle causing our group to respond by saying "why aren't they screaming?" The woods were pretty clear after that, until we got to what appeared to be a random corner of a wall, where a man jumped out and ended up coincidentally sticking his groin right in my perfectly cupped hand. After apologizing profusely for sexually assaulting him, we proceed blindly onto a bridge to a house where they had apparently not paid the utilities. Not only was it smelly, it was very dark and damp. Not to mention, the painters were obviously geographically challenged. The arrows pointing us where we needed to go were backwards, so my other half called out "Which way do we go?" to which a ghoul replied "the opposite way of the arrows." Little did he know the last arrow led to a wall. However, a man in a white coat was quick to show us the correct way, while maintaining his terrifying facade. Upon exiting, we found ourselves faced with a guy who gave us a half-hearted growl (which we scolded him for), and we entered the carnival of birthing. We were ushered into dark, plastic wrapped slide, where we had no idea what we were supposed to do and I got stuck because my burlap sack came out from under me. To reposition myself, I had to situate myself in the birthing position, like I was being examined by the damned vaginacologist! What the hell? So, here I am, squatted on the slide while people are walking up the stairs next to the slide and my other half is flying past me, probably wondering why I'm just sitting in the middle of the slide. And you know what made it worse? After my semi- exam, we were directed into a big top maze where I was assaulted by clowns! My biggest fear, imagine that! Luckily, it didn't take long before me and my fellow leader found our way out. Of course, we were directly pushed through what can only be described as a white, blood stained, birthing canal, full of air and lots of people. It was quite awkward, to say the least.
Overall, the experience was unforgettable, and we have determined that going again this year is a priority. We may take more people, though. The best part was the factory simply because the layout was better. The actors were much more convincing, other than a few who made unnatural noises that were not so much scary as sexual. One thing I would suggest all haunted houses take into consideration is that your guests probably don't know which way to go. The directions should be pretty clear, or you should have a guide to direct them. Also, having a portion outside, you should consider your guest's safety. There are a lot of tripping hazards in the dark, so make sure you clear it out very well. We had such a great time, though! It wore us out, so now it is bed time, because we are getting to be old grandmas. The smallest amount of excitement kills our stamina like Raid kills roaches.
Happy pooping, all. And to all a good night.
Happy haunting. MUAHAHAHA!
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